New Olympic Event: Training for the Potty!!!!

For those of us who live in The Land of Jordan (me, Christina & Jo-Jo), potty training has not been top priority for us. In fact I've been known to say that Jordan can stay in diapers until she's 7 years old b/c I despise public restrooms and the thought of having my child's tush anywhere near those toilets wigs me out beyond words.

Many of you are aware that Jordan really has had zero interest in doing the whole peeing on the potty thing, unless of course she's at school. At school she's all about making a good impression on her teachers by dropping her pants/diaper and attempting to 'go' on the potty. At home it's a whole different story. At home she tells us, "But I don't want to sit on the potty at home, I only sit on the potty at school."

And then The Land of Jordan flew to Mexico for a vacation. And on that vacation something amazing happened: Jordan ONLY wanted to pee on the potty! HUH???? Yep, we felt the same way! She was quite clear how she would not be peeing in her diapers any longer and that she needed to pee on the potty "just like Addy" (her little buddy) and how she had to go back to school b/c she had to tell Gail (her teacher) that she's peeing on the potty. This conversation happened 5-6 times per day. Of course after each successful potty pee we did a crazy, silly, YIPEE-YOU-DID-THE-PEE dance. And Mommy could be found muttering on about how she was so happy J0-Jo decided to have this break-thru pee experience in Mexico b/c she was sure she had not packed enough diapers!

And then The Land of Jordan flew back to NJ. Where automatic flushing toilets exist. Where said toilets decide to airplane-vacuum-suck anything in the stall at random times which nearly included sucking my child's tush off. After peeling a 1/2 naked still had not peed Jo-Jo from my arms b/c she was so freaked out by the random flushing toilet she informs me: "Mommy, I only want to pee on the potty at school and in Mexico."

Somehow we manage to overcome our "only at school and in Mexico" demand and we now have Jordan peeing on the potty full time at home, and at school. (oh yeah, and in Mexico too)

And then I take her to FAO Schwarz today w/her buddy Chase. What could possibly ruin an amazing day in one of the largest toy stores in the world???? The pee break.

The pee break nearly sent me over the edge into an institution. Sympathetic grins and smiles from various women in the bathroom while the pee break took place did not make me feel any better.

Here's how it all played out: Took Jordan into the public bathroom, she's already freaked out b/c she thinks it's one of those automatic possessed flushing toilets. Luckily this time it is not an automatic one. So I have to show her how Mommy is not afraid and how Mommy can pee and it's all good. (let go of the visual please)......Now it's Jo-Jo's turn. Pants down, pull-up down, 14 of those stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers in place, Jordan safely planted on stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers, and no pee along w/meltdown #1 happens. Off comes Jordan along w/9 of the stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers. The other 5 fell into the toilet! Reasoning thru meltdown #1 not going over so well. Attempt #2: back on the toilet except now Jordan has decided that if stays stiff and not bendable then she won't have to take this pee break. Now it's Mommy's turn for a bit of a meltdown. More reasoning and another plant the child to pee attempt. No luck again. No more reasoning, now it's just plain pissed off Mommy insisting she pee. (in case you've lost count or track.....Jordan is winning) I even tried to hold her up thinking she could pee like that, and at the same time thinking about how if she actually did pee like that she would surely pee directly onto me! Trying now to calm down. No more pissed off Mommy, now it's semi-defeated Mommy begging Jordan to pee.

OH MY GOD, losing my mind!!!!! So, the pull up comes up, I tell her to pee in that, she does and that's that. HA! You think that's that. Oh but wait, there's so much more. Since we are now wearing pull-ups we have to remove our pants to replace the pull-up, not like diapers where you could leave the pants on and replace the diaper w/a new one while the child is still standing. So, off come the boots (which are a pain in the ass to begin with), off comes the old pull-up, on goes the one and only back-up pull-up in Mommy's bag. And in the process I am quite sure Mommy was not being super soft and delicate while putting the new pull-up on b/c SHE RIPPED THE FRIGGIN PULL-UP APART and now it's unwearable. I say again: OH MY GOD, losing my mind!!!

Now Jordan is crying b/c the pull-up is 'broken', I'm having a rambling conversation w/her about peeing and how there's nothing to be afraid of, her boots are off, her pants are off, 2 pull-ups are on the floor, numerous stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers are on the floor, I'm sweating, women outside our stall are giggling.....I'm beginning to think peeing only in Mexico and only in school is not such a bad idea.

Luckily I still had diapers in my bag.

So if over the next few years you're wondering why you haven't seen Jordan (or her Mommy & Mima for that matter)......we have moved to Mexico until Jordan turns 7 and is no longer afraid of public possessed toilets.

And that is all from The Land of Jordan!

Life According To A 3 Year Old......

The Land of Jordan celebrated turning 3 recently! In fact, we are still celebrating. For all of you out there who share a December birthday.....holy month of presents! And look out if you come from a family who shares Hannukah & Xmas! Present overload!!!! And as if that's not enough, Jordan can't seem to wrap her head around why folks have taken down their Xmas lights when there's still snow on the ground: "but Mom, it's still Xmas cause that's why there's snow on the ground"....

We had our first (and hopefully last) visit to the ER in the month of December. To make a long story somewhat short, Jordan had a high fever and Mommy freaked cause Jordan was shaking uncontrollably and Mima was 2 hours away, so a 911 call took place and many uniformed individuals showed up at our house. We were driven to the hospital in an ambulance and the uniformed guy riding in the back w/us told the driver there was no need for the sirens/lights...that is until I insisted there was a major need for sirens/lights cause how often do I get to ride in an ambulance and blow past traffic? I mean come on, really? Give up a chance for sirens/lights? So we got the full on ambulance experience! (had Jordan not been lying on top of me during the ride I might have asked if I could drive the ambulance!!)

I am beginning to realize that Jordan is paying close attention to what is being said even when I think she's not paying attention. Case and point: Jo-Jo and I went to order Chinese food. We always share sweet & sour chicken together. I take one of those menus w/9,012 different Chinese items to choose from, grab a golf pencil being held in place by a plastic container filled w/rice, circle my sweet & sour chicken and we patiently wait for our food. Woman calls out my order when it's ready, "SWEET & SOUR PORK!" I go up to the counter (Jordan is off to the side playing w/something) and I explain quietly there's no way I ordered pork, I don't even really like pork. And then she shows me my menu where I circled sweet & sour pork.........UGH! So rather than wait for the correct food item to be prepared I decide I can pull this one off on Jordan. I pay for my pork (yuck) and we leave. As we're heading for the car little miss big ears says, "Mom, is that pork?" And in my head I'm going, "Are you kidding me? She heard all that? What the heck?" So I tell her it's chicken and it's gonna be so good when we get home. Well little miss big ears proceeds to GRILL ME the ENTIRE way home about what's in the bag!! "Mom, is it really chicken? I don't like pork. Is it pork? Did that lady say pork? Mom, is it really chicken? What's that smell Mom? It smells different." Now I'm freaking out internally cause she's just about past the hunger feed time window and I'm reaching my hunger feed time window and if this pork can't pass as chicken I'm screwed! So we get home, I talk up the 'chicken' and how it's gonna be so good and so much fun eating it together (mind you it smells TOTALLY different than when we get the chicken) and I plate the whole thing w/rice and she skeptically takes a fork full....sweat is dripping down my face......my mind is racing as to what the heck I'm gonna make for her if this doesn't go over well.....and then she says, "Yummy Mommy!! This is the best chicken I ever ate!!!" SCORE!!!!!!!!

Took Jordan (and her 2 cousins) ice skating a few weeks ago. I was so excited to do this w/her!! What a lame brain idea that was. Sounds great in theory...that is if you're child actually doesn't mind wearing 17 layers of clothing and being placed in a shoe w/a razor blade on the bottom. But I managed to get her out on the ice and of course she loved that part of it b/c what could be so bad about being held up by your arms by your Mom while she pushes you around and you're just hanging out as if you're in a parade and everyone is there to watch you? Twice around and I honestly thought I would never stand up straight again, my back was killing me!!!! Of course twice around was enough for Jo-Jo who then wanted off the ice immediately and out of the razor blade shoes only to venture out in search of "schnacks"....(snacks). The folks who built the ice rink: brilliant, gifted people. Why you ask? Because who else thinks to put an arcade/ski ball/air hockey room in an ice rink facility? Genius! So after paying nearly $60 to get us all in, spending MAYBE 30 minutes on the ice, paying another $25 for lunch.....I then find myself buying friggin tokens for the kids to play ski ball! Jordan will not be ice skating any time in the near future!

A few funny moments in The Land of Jordan:

- We had the baby sitter here Saturday for Jo-Jo b/c we were going out. Jordan asked, "Where are you going Mommy?" so I told her we're going to cousin Nancy's house and Jordan then asked, "Are you going to have a play date there?"

- Had the TV on the other day, women's basketball game was on, Jordan and I are working on a puzzle and a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial comes on which IMMEDIATELY catches Jordan's attention. The commercial ends w/a picture of a Reece's PB cup and Jordan says, "WOW WOW WOW WOW Mommy, that looks totally yummy!"

- Jordan informed me the other day that when she gets bigger and goes to the bigger kids school that I can go there too b/c I'll be bigger too, but, there won't be any treadmills there. (basically this means Jordan thinks all stay-at-home moms spend all their time on treadmills while the kids are in school)

- We seem to have a bit of curiousness about Heaven. It first started w/me talking about my cat Marco who died way before Jordan was born. She likes to hear all about Marco and wants to know "why Marco died out". And now we're discussing Heaven b/c my Dad died. So Jordan says, "Mom, Poppi and Marco are in the clouds?" and I tell her they are up there in the clouds in Heaven and she says, "Are they on an airplane?"

A few Mommy observations:

- You know you're spending too much time at one particular place when you're child yells out from the back seat of the car: "There's Target!"

- You know you're so super screwed when the usual bribe of "there will be no Olivia (her favorite show) if you don't....." is met w/your 3 year old not being phased in the least by the bribe! This has happened at least 4 times so far and each time I'm stumped, freaked, clueless and dumbfounded! She outsmarted me! She doesn't care if she misses Olivia!

- You know your child has a future w/the transportation authority when you are asked every single day in the car, "How you get down there Mommy?" and Mommy goes into the "you have to take the exit ramp" discussion.

- You know you're a total geek and total Mom when you realize you're rockin out in the car w/your child to Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies" performed by Alvin & The Chipmunks!

That would be all for now from The Land of Jordan. Stay tuned for Jordan's next update when she returns from her trip to Mexico! (Jordan decided she did not have to clear it w/her 2 mommies before inviting her teacher Linda to Mexico w/us. Oh and that same teacher got an invite via Jo-Jo to come over and play Disney Bingo at our house!)

Stay warm....stay safe!