Jo-Jo Goes to Big Girl School!!

The Land of Jordan has entered a new land, a new territory, a new beginning.......BIG GIRL SCHOOL!

Jordan is now a full time student at Apple Montessori.  And each time we see an apple or talk about apples she says, "just like my big girl school."

This is week 3 of the new school and so far she seems to be doing quite well.  It was a rough go for the first 2 weeks, mostly for Mommy who seems to be suffering from separation anxiety, but we are making some progress b/c now when the school says to me, "Umm, Jordan's Mommy?  You need to leave now b/c you are not a student here" I find myself listening and leaving.  (kidding, I'm now the: kiss my kid goodbye, tell her I love her, watch her go into her classroom and I walk out of the buidling, sneak around back, hide in the bushes and observe to make sure Jo-Jo is okay)....(kidding again).

It seems that Jordan has taken on a new hobby in her life:  torture Mommy emotionally and keep her up all night w/worry.  Case and point:  When I pick Jordan up from school she is RAVENOUS!  It's as if she hasn't eaten a thing all day and for those of you who know Jo-Jo, she is never actually ravenous.  So I ask Jordan if she is aware of the 'snack' (crackers) area in her classroom, to which she says no, and then I ask her if she eats any snacks or is given any snacks by the teachers b/een lunch and when I pick her up, and she says no.  So I spend an entire afternoon and evening worried out of my mind that my child is spending hours w/out something to eat.  I don't sleep that night and I can't wait to get to school to ask her teacher about this and to find out why my child is not aware of the 'snack' area.  So I start to explain to the teacher how maybe Jordan needs to be shown the 'snack' area b/c she is so hungry when I pick her up.  And this is exactly what the teacher said to me AFTER she stopped laughing:  "I have never in my entire life seen any other child eat as many crackers as your child does.  So yes, she is very aware of the snack area."  Mommy has been played.  SUCKER!

Another torture Mommy situation was when I asked her what she talks about @ lunch w/her new friends and Jordan proceeds to go into this long explanation of how they are not allowed to talk during lunch b/c those are the rules.  WHAT?  And once again I spent an entire afternoon & evening worried, concerned and lost another night's sleep anticipating my talk w/Jordan's teacher.  Get to school, start to explain the story and after Jordan's teacher is done giggling she says, "The kids can absolutely talk.  We try to keep their conversations at a calm level during lunch so they actually eat their lunches but when it's time for their dessert they can be as silly and wound up as they'd like."  Mommy has been played yet again.  SUKCER!

Jordan has had some concerns and requests about her new big girl school.  She is somewhat aware of the much longer days that she is spending there and has said to me, "Mom, school is too many hours, I think you should tell my teacher it should only be 5 weeks."  (5 weeks seems to be Jordan's new 'time')  She has also said to me, "Mom, can you ask my teacher if she can cancel school for tomorrow b/c I just don't want to go outside."  (Jordan is having a little issue w/the first of two outside play ground times.  She claims there are too many kids out there, but when I asked her teacher about this I was told Jordan runs around like crazy outside and seems to be having a blast.......Mommy being played again?)  Jordan wanted to know why her new big girl school is called Apple Montessori and not Banana Montessori......?  Good friggin question right?

There are 3 teachers in Jordan's classroom.  The 'main' teacher, the one she is VERY attached to, her name is Miss Ruchalski but if you ask Jo-Jo her teacher's name you will hear:  "Miss MAHchalski".  The other 2 are teachers aides.  One is a tall 'older' woman w/super gray hair, her name is Mrs. Evans.  The other one is a young woman who is Miss Sheppard and next to Mrs. Evans appears to be quite shorter.  Jordan is having a hard time remembering their names so she refers to them as, "The one w/the white hair who is really tall" and "the short little one".

We are finally learning some of the kids names in Jo-Jo's class.  She seems to be very found of the younger kids in her class, there are 3 younger ones and Miss Ruchalkski tells me that Jordan likes to take care of them.  There is one boy in her class who is the same age as Jordan and his name is Elijah.  Elijah is a very cute kid who happens to have long hair.  So when I talk to Jordan about Elijah I of course refer to Elijah as, "You know who I'm taking about, that boy Elijah?  The one w/the long hair?" and Jordan IMMEDIATELY stops me and says, "Mom.  Elijah is a GIRL.  She is not a boy, she is a GIRL.  Stop saying she is a boy b/c she is not a boy, she is a GIRL b/c when she laughs she has a really pretty GIRL face. Next time you come to my class you have to see her laugh, okay Mom?"  OMG - Elijah is NOT a girl, Elijah is a boy but Jordan will not listen to reason and insists Elijah is a girl.  So now we refer to Elijah as 'the girl who has the pretty face when she laughs."

Enough about school.....let's talk about how I think Jordan is so super funny and silly and how I had no clue she was going to start talking like me!

The other day we were trying to get ready to leave the house and I was in super hyper get-out-of-the-house mode.  Jordan says, "Mom.  Here's the deal:  first I will brush my teeth and then I will brush my hair.  Ok?  That's the deal Mom."  (love that!)

Mima wanted me to do something, totally forget what it was, and Jordan turns around and says, "Mima.  That is not Mommy's thing so stop asking her to do that."  (love that too!)

Jordan missed her 2nd ballet/tap class b/c we were away in Maine so I was explaining to her how we are going to take a make-up class b/c we missed our regular class.  And this is what I hear from the back seat of the car....."YIPEE!!!!  Oh Mommy!  I get to put on make up at my make-up class????  Oh yay Mommy!"  (so funny!)

Sometimes it takes Jo-Jo a little while to finish telling me a story and sometimes I interrupt her attempting to help her along w/her story.  This never fully works the way I intend it to b/c it always ends with:  "Mommy!  You messed up my talking!  And I wasn't done w/my words!"

One day we were hanging w/Chase & his brother Myles (who is 1).  Myles spit up so Jordan comes running to me to let me know that "something came out of Myles's mouth" so I say, "Oh, did Myles spit up Jo-Jo?" and she says, "No Mom.  Myles just spit down" b/c it was on the floor and floors are not up........clever right?

Jordan hasn't quite grasped the concept of not interrupting when I'm talking.  So I continuously attempt to explain to her the "excuse me Mom" thing but it never really gets into her brain b/c by the time I'm doing the explanation of this she is so upset w/me and says, "You are not listening to my words Mom.  Listen to my words."  (oh boy)

Her new favorite thing (which I now realize I say all the time) is the "or what?"  Like the other day we were slow in getting her out of the car and she says, "Are we getting out of the car or what?"  (trouble for sure)

There seems to be a large interest in Heaven and how to get there.  Jordan is convinced you have to take an airplane to get to Heaven.  And she wanted to know if the people in Heaven were eating Chinese food at the same time that we were eating Chinese food.

She wanted to know if Aunt Christy and Uncle Jeff were going to have honey on their honeymoon.  And is the moon sticky if there is honey on the honeymoon?

We had a few weeks of reading "The Giving Tree" over and over again.  Everyone know about this book?  Tree gives this boy everything to make the boy happy:  apples to sell to make money, branches to build a house, etc.  So, the dry cleaner we used went out of business and Jordan wanted to know why.  I explained how they were not making any money and they needed to close their store b/c of that.  So Jordan says:  "Mom!!!!  I've got a great idea!  Next time we see the dry cleaning people we can tell them to climb a tree, get all the apples and sell them and then they can make money and open the store up!  Is that a good idea Mom?????"  (best idea ever Jo-Jo!)

Jordan wants in on the Volkswagon game.  The one everyone in country plays, you know, when you say:  "RED ONE" if you see a red VW.......so we now play this game in the car but she seems to think every single car we pass is a VW:  "Black one!'  "Green one!"  "White one!"  "Mom, is that a VW?"  "Blue one!"  (trying to teach her the 'punch buggy' VW game, not going over so big)

This morning when Jordan woke up she had a little scratchy 'morning voice' so she says to me, "Mom, I think I'm getting a new mouth b/c my voice is a little different so that means I'm getting a new mouth."  (okey dokey)

And for now, that is all I have from The Land of Jordan.  More to come for sure as Jo-Jo gets even more settled into her new school!

The Land of No Naps

I realize it has been a really, really long time since I've had you all over to The Land of Jordan, forgive me, we've been quite busy.

So many things to fill you all in on.  Let's start w/the most recent shall we?

Jo-Jo had her first visit to the dentist.  Not just your normal every day dentist.  Nope.  At this particular office it seems if you work there it is a requirement that you be 'on' laughing gas.  Honestly the folks there could not have been nicer/sweeter/more giving/more caring.  Not only did they ask me 9 times if I wanted something to drink, they even offered to let me have the remote for the TV in the waiting room so I could watch something I was interested in.  They have this cool separate play/waiting room for the kids filled w/all kinds of toys, video games, climbing things.  When they took us back to the actual 'room' for Jordan's cleaning I was handed 2 free movie tickets:  "because you waited longer than 5 minutes for us to call you back here and we do not like to keep our patients waiting longer than 5 minutes."  WHAT?  Where am I?  And can I have some of that laughing gas too?  Next they hand me a 'party bag', you know the kind, the ones you get at kids birthday parties......and this was filled w/numerous stickers for Jordan, a tooth brush for Jordan, my movie tix, oh and the very cool new mini-messenger bag I got for being a new patient AND a Dunkin Donuts gift card for $15!!!!!!!!  But wait, it gets even better.........b/c my friend Lucy referred me (I put her name down on all that silly paperwork), she (Lucy) got a brand spankin new 10MP DIGITAL CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean, come on, for real?

So anyway, back to why this trip to the dentist is so important.  On this trip Jordan was told by Mr. Dentist that she has to give up her paci b/c it's affecting her bite.  At this point I feel the walls beginning to close in on me slowly.  Is this guy for real?  Does he not understand the value of the paci?  The naps?  The naps @ the town pool b/c of the paci?  The naps on the beach b/c of the paci?  You can have your free movie tix, just don't make me take away the paci!

Now we're in the car on the way home from the dentist and my child who I was convinced had not been paying any attention to my conversation w/Mr. Dentist says to me, "Mom, why did that man say I bite the paci b/c I don't Mom, I only just suck on it."  I begin to explain how it's not about her biting the paci but how the paci is affecting her bite which leads us into stories of when Mommy was little and used to suck her thumb which leads to how I had braces and then I realized I was just getting way too ahead of myself and somehow was able to divert her attention to something else.

Anyway, I'm all over the place w/this story.  So basically we have the conversation w/Jordan about how it's time to give her paci's away b/c there is a baby out there who totally needs a paci or two.  We decide last Sunday was going to be "P-day".........so Mommy and Jordan head to the balloon store b/c we are going to buy two balloons (2 pacis to give away) and do just what her buddy Jake did:  send the pacis off into the sky and let the paci fairy (lame, I know) take them to a baby who needs them.  As we arrive home and Mima sees the two Princess & the Frog balloons I have purchased she lets out a major laugh and proceeds to tell me I bought the wrong kind of balloons and I "should have bought the OTHER kind."  What other kind?  I'm thinking she's just being very bossy about the whole balloon thing and the two balloons are gonna be fine.  We help Jo-Jo tie the pacis to the balloons, we then tie the two balloons together so they can go up at the same time and go to the same place.  Jordan decides she wants to send them off from the driveway.  So we do this whole ceremonious thing and Mima let's the balloons go......and the 3 of us watch as the two balloons come immediately crashing down onto the driveway, pacis first, b/c apparently I bought the wrong kind of balloons!!!  Who the frig knew?  So, we remove one paci and it's quickly placed into my pocket w/out Jordan seeing this, and then we decide to try once more w/just the one paci attached.  And this time it works!  And it's going, it's up, it's headed right to the sky.................that is until it got tangled in our incredibly LARGE trees on the side of our house!!!  OMG, what the &*%@??????  So now we have to delve even further into the 'little white lie bank' and tell Jordan how it's all good, no worries b/c that paci fairy is going to come and untangle the balloons when we are not looking and deliver those pacis (one still in my pocket which eventually made it to the garbage) to a baby who needs them.

Turns out the paci fairy comes to our house in the form of our nephew Andrew who will be here tomorrow carrying a BB gun b/c those 2 balloons & paci are STILL hanging in that tree.  Luckily Jordan has not spotted them.

So last Sunday we said goodbye to our pacis............but I must not have read the small fine print in the paci contract b/c I was COMPLETELY unaware that when the paci is gone, so are the naps.  UGH!  It has been 6 days of no napping and tonight it all caught up to Jo-Jo.  She was sound asleep by 6:30pm!!!!

Here are a few funny things Jordan has said to me over the past few weeks:

 - "Mom, when I get older can I wear 'eye tacts' (contacts) just like Mima?"

 - Listening to the radio w/Jordan in the car, I say to her:  "Jordan this band is called Green Day" and she says to me:  "but Mom, I don't like Green Day, I only like Greenberrys."  (a coffee/tea place here in Wayne)

 - Upon hearing me become frustrated w/something Jordan always says:  "What Mom?  Don't worry Mom.  It will be okay Mom."

 - Jordan knows about my unbelievable fear of spiders so if we are reading one of her books and there's a picture of a spider she says:  "You can touch it Mom b/c it's only a pretend spider so go ahead and touch it Mom."  And she won't let me turn the page until I have touched the pretend spider.

 - "Mom?  Why don't you wear dresses?"  "I just don't like them Jo-Jo, but I love them on you."  "I know Mom, but WHY don't you like them?  And why don't you like 'clicky shoes' (dress up shoes) either Mom?"

 - "Mom, you like a lot of boy things."

 - While at a NY Liberty game Jordan is fascinated by the announcers voice and says, "Where is the narrator man?"

 - Jordan and I got into an argument about that silly young singer dude named Justin Bieber......while listening to 'him' on the radio Jordan proceeds to tell me it's a girl singing.  So I tell her it's not a girl it's a boy.  We begin to go back and forth about this and I realize two things:  1: this is silly to be arguing w/a 3 year old b/c I'm clearly not going to win and 2:  he does sound kinda girly.

 - Ever since I stopped breast feeding Jordan she has had constipation issues.  Long story short, a few months ago we had a situation which required us using a suppository on poor little Jo-Jo.  So she says to us, "Can we give the 'appositories' away to another kid who needs them b/c I just don't like the 'appositories'.

 - "It's your turn Mom to tell me a story about when you were little b/c I just told you a story about when I was little."  So I proceed to tell her a random story about when I was little and when she has had enough she says, "Okay Mom, that's good.  Now it's my turn again."

 - We had been discussing kittens and the possibility of one day getting one, but not until Nina (the 15 year old cat we have) dies.  So I explain to Jordan how we have to wait until Nina dies and goes to heaven, then we can get a kitten.  The very next morning Jordan wakes up and says, "Did Nina die yet? Can we get a kitten?"

 - And continuing w/the kitten theme...we went to a farmers market a few weeks ago on a Saturday.  Someone there was doing kitten/cat adoptions so we went over to watch these 2 adorable kittens get adopted.  They were placed in this cardboard carrying box and off they went w/their new owners.  So of course Jordan wants to discuss the kitten thing for the rest of the day and wants to know what 'adopted' means.  I explain it all to her and then realize, duh, I'm adopted, I can TOTALLY explain this even further, even better!  So I proceed to tell Jordan about how when I was a baby I was adopted by Bubby & Pop-Pop.  Jordan stops.  She's processing the whole thing.  And then she says, "But Mom, when you were a baby and you were adopted, did Bubby put you in a cardboard box too?"  And that literally made me laugh out loud!  What an awesome thing to say!!!!

 - And continuing even further w/the kitten theme.....the very next day after that farmers market we went to a strawberry festival out in Chester.  Had a great time, ate good, picked great strawberries, was having the best time when all of sudden we noticed they were giving away, for free, kittens.  Now I know you guys don't live w/us so you have no clue if Nina has died or not.......well I'm here to tell you Nina is fully alive and healthy.  Deal was no kitten until Nina wasn't around.  And then Mima comes over holding this teeny, tiny, little soft, fuzzy kitten who had what we thought was a cleft palate, she's showing the kitten to Jordan who is just over the moon in love and is screaming "I GOT A KITTEN" as I'm standing behind her shaking my head NO and mouthing to Mima that we are in NO WAY getting a kitten today......... and the girl on the farm comes over and says, "Nobody will take this kitten b/c of her cleft palate, she's the unwanted kitten."  I immediately take the kitten from Mima and exclaim loudly and proudly:  "We are taking this kitten!  You can not leave a kitten behind!  The unwanted ones are the best ones!"  And we now have Nina and the kitten w/not a cleft palate but a cleft lip who we allowed Jordan to name...........and she named her "George."  (thought George was a boy at first, but we love the name so much we didn't want to change it when we found out George is a girl)

I believe, for now, that is all from The Land of Jordan.

I shall attempt to be like my friend Gina and update you all much more often but now that naps have disappeared...........who has time?

The Mind of a 3 Year Old

I realize it's been a long time since my last Land of Jordan post but really who has time to post a blog when your 3 year old talks 24/7?

Jordan's vocabulary is expanding and exploding! I also now know what I sound like b/c so many of these new words in her vocabulary are words I apparently overuse!!

For example: "actually" is now used many times throughout the day. "Actually Mom, that not a Scarlet Macaw, that a pigeon." "Actually Mom, I don't need to go w/you to the store, I going to stay here and play." "Actually Mom, I not yet a big girl so I don't have to poop on the potty, only pee."

Then there was this one: "Mom!! A bug just FREAKED me out!"

Or this one: "That so totally awesome Mom!"

And I like how she flips the rules around and uses them on me. How many times a day do I repeat: "say thank you", "say please", "good manners Jo-Jo"....? The other day Jordan handed me something and I said, "thank you" not expecting any kind of response from her but sure enough she had something to add: "good manners Mommy!" How friggin funny is that?

I am constantly saying, "You can play for a little bit and then we have to......." so the other day Jordan goes into her playroom, turns around and says, "Mom? Can I play for a BIG bit?"

We are heading to NC soon, staying at Bubby & Pop-Pop's. So Jordan says, "Mom? I want to sleep there a lot of nights, not a little nights, but a lot of nights."

We've noticed lately that we have a very bossy little girl on our hands. When playing w/her she tells you exactly where you need to be, what you need to do & how you need to do it and don't even think about adding your little spin to it b/c I'm telling you, she is bossy! In fact I say it to her often, "You are bossy Jo-Jo!" So one day she was being incredibly bossy and I said to her, "Jordan, you are very demanding." She stops what she's doing, looks right at me and says, "No I not Mommy, I bossy!!" How do you keep a straight face w/that?

Jordan and I were heading to meet up w/her friends and their families one day. I was telling her who was going to be there. When I said the name Jack, she asked who he was so I explained that Jack is Drew's (her buddy) older brother. She's quiet for a minute and says, "Who's my brother?" so I explain how she doesn't have one. She's quiet for a few more minutes and then says, "Can we go and buy a brother?"

For some reason Jordan and her friends seem to be crazed about playing "Mommy & Daddy". This happens more often than not. One day Jordan and I are in the car heading who knows where and she says, "You the Mommy & I the Daddy". So I go along w/it and I ask her what we should do next as Mommy & Daddy and she says, "You make dinner and I sit." Where the heck did that come from????? She lives w/2 mommies and the one mommy she is w/majority of the time does NOT cook and also never sits still........how did she get that scenario in her head????

We spend a great deal of time dancing in our kitchen to some seriously cool hip hop tunes. Currently on the top of Jo-Jo's playlist is "Imma Be" by The Black Eyed Peas....so she comes up to me the other day and says, "Let's rock it out Mom!" I swear, I love when stuff like that comes out of her!!! So funny!

Jordan is now anti-plastic utensils. "No Mom, I want the GLASS spoon." Glass? She thinks our silverware is glass!

Can't be sure how or when she discovered antennas, but she seems to have a bit of an obsession w/antennas on cars and is so concerned that our car does not have an antenna that she can see.

When she's playing dress-up and holds a wand, don't think about calling it a wand b/c clearly it's not a wand. Nope, it's a "magic spelling"!!

If you hand her a food item which has a bite taken out of it she will demand, "I want a REAL one", which means she wants a new one that does not have any bites or pieces missing.

There was an addition to Jordan's class, her name is Rebecca. Rebecca came to Jordan's class late in the 'semester' and she happened to arrive while Jordan's buddy Luke (also in the class) was away on vacation in Florida. Luke arrives home, everyone goes to school. So I ask Jordan later that day, "How's the new girl Rebecca? Are you being nice to her? Are you asking her to play w/you?" and Jordan responds, "Mom, she gonna go home now cause Luke is back." HA! She thought Rebecca was the replacement kid while Luke was away!!! Holy mind of a 3 year old!!!!!

We are now into rhyming.....so as a family we are required to come up w/good rhymes, like: "Look at that cat, he's wearing a hat" and then as a family we all cheer and give a loud yell of "thumbs up, thumbs up, good one, good one!" Most of Jordan's rhyming is questionable, but every once in awhile she gets it right and she gets the family cheer of "thumbs up!" Then it's Mima's turn.......is it b/c she grew up in a house where English and Spanish were so mixed together ALL words are questionable? Well Mima's rhymes are not quite rhymes....she starts off strong: "Look at that cat............. he's driving a truck"........WHAT??? Mima's rhymes are met w/a loud "thumbs down, thumbs down" and Jordan's face is all scrunched up as if there's a terrible stink in the room while she's doing "thumbs down, thumbs down!"

Speaking of stink.....oh my God, if there is even the slightest yucky smell in the air, Jordan is so freaked out! "What's that yucky smell?" as she's holding her nose and nearly having a melt down! And look out if you take her into a public bathroom (yes, she is now peeing in public bathrooms) and someone has stunk up the place......Jordan will VERY LOUDLY point out the obvious not only to me but to everyone else in the bathroom, "What's that yucky smell? Mommy, it too yucky, it too yucky! Mommy! No Mommy, it too yucky!!!" And I can forget about getting her to pee b/c she's bolting for the door to escape the 'it too yucky' smell!!!

Oh, and God forbid she spills something on her shirt or pants! There is no turning back from a spill! Even if it's the tiniest littlest drop of water, "I WET, I WET, I WET!!!"

But she has no problem shoving her finger way up her nose to dig out the boogy that's taken up residence in a nostril. Most times I don't even realize she's doing this b/c we're in the car, then from the back seat I get the: "Here Mom" and lame stupid Mommy just sticks her hand back w/out looking, assuming she's going to be handed an unidentifiable-been sittin in her car seat for 9 weeks-snack that never made it into Jo-Jo's mouth. Not so lucky.....my hand makes contact w/the boogy which used to reside in my daughter's nostril! Not just any boogy......the slimiest, grossest, drippiest, blech-yuck-barf-green boogy! And THIS doesn't freak her out?

That folks is all I've got right now from The Land of Jordan. Spring has arrived which means we are back to every night is bath night due to large amounts of sun tan lotion being applied to little people's bodies! Enjoy the weather!!!

New Olympic Event: Training for the Potty!!!!

For those of us who live in The Land of Jordan (me, Christina & Jo-Jo), potty training has not been top priority for us. In fact I've been known to say that Jordan can stay in diapers until she's 7 years old b/c I despise public restrooms and the thought of having my child's tush anywhere near those toilets wigs me out beyond words.

Many of you are aware that Jordan really has had zero interest in doing the whole peeing on the potty thing, unless of course she's at school. At school she's all about making a good impression on her teachers by dropping her pants/diaper and attempting to 'go' on the potty. At home it's a whole different story. At home she tells us, "But I don't want to sit on the potty at home, I only sit on the potty at school."

And then The Land of Jordan flew to Mexico for a vacation. And on that vacation something amazing happened: Jordan ONLY wanted to pee on the potty! HUH???? Yep, we felt the same way! She was quite clear how she would not be peeing in her diapers any longer and that she needed to pee on the potty "just like Addy" (her little buddy) and how she had to go back to school b/c she had to tell Gail (her teacher) that she's peeing on the potty. This conversation happened 5-6 times per day. Of course after each successful potty pee we did a crazy, silly, YIPEE-YOU-DID-THE-PEE dance. And Mommy could be found muttering on about how she was so happy J0-Jo decided to have this break-thru pee experience in Mexico b/c she was sure she had not packed enough diapers!

And then The Land of Jordan flew back to NJ. Where automatic flushing toilets exist. Where said toilets decide to airplane-vacuum-suck anything in the stall at random times which nearly included sucking my child's tush off. After peeling a 1/2 naked still had not peed Jo-Jo from my arms b/c she was so freaked out by the random flushing toilet she informs me: "Mommy, I only want to pee on the potty at school and in Mexico."

Somehow we manage to overcome our "only at school and in Mexico" demand and we now have Jordan peeing on the potty full time at home, and at school. (oh yeah, and in Mexico too)

And then I take her to FAO Schwarz today w/her buddy Chase. What could possibly ruin an amazing day in one of the largest toy stores in the world???? The pee break.

The pee break nearly sent me over the edge into an institution. Sympathetic grins and smiles from various women in the bathroom while the pee break took place did not make me feel any better.

Here's how it all played out: Took Jordan into the public bathroom, she's already freaked out b/c she thinks it's one of those automatic possessed flushing toilets. Luckily this time it is not an automatic one. So I have to show her how Mommy is not afraid and how Mommy can pee and it's all good. (let go of the visual please)......Now it's Jo-Jo's turn. Pants down, pull-up down, 14 of those stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers in place, Jordan safely planted on stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers, and no pee along w/meltdown #1 happens. Off comes Jordan along w/9 of the stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers. The other 5 fell into the toilet! Reasoning thru meltdown #1 not going over so well. Attempt #2: back on the toilet except now Jordan has decided that if stays stiff and not bendable then she won't have to take this pee break. Now it's Mommy's turn for a bit of a meltdown. More reasoning and another plant the child to pee attempt. No luck again. No more reasoning, now it's just plain pissed off Mommy insisting she pee. (in case you've lost count or track.....Jordan is winning) I even tried to hold her up thinking she could pee like that, and at the same time thinking about how if she actually did pee like that she would surely pee directly onto me! Trying now to calm down. No more pissed off Mommy, now it's semi-defeated Mommy begging Jordan to pee.

OH MY GOD, losing my mind!!!!! So, the pull up comes up, I tell her to pee in that, she does and that's that. HA! You think that's that. Oh but wait, there's so much more. Since we are now wearing pull-ups we have to remove our pants to replace the pull-up, not like diapers where you could leave the pants on and replace the diaper w/a new one while the child is still standing. So, off come the boots (which are a pain in the ass to begin with), off comes the old pull-up, on goes the one and only back-up pull-up in Mommy's bag. And in the process I am quite sure Mommy was not being super soft and delicate while putting the new pull-up on b/c SHE RIPPED THE FRIGGIN PULL-UP APART and now it's unwearable. I say again: OH MY GOD, losing my mind!!!

Now Jordan is crying b/c the pull-up is 'broken', I'm having a rambling conversation w/her about peeing and how there's nothing to be afraid of, her boots are off, her pants are off, 2 pull-ups are on the floor, numerous stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers are on the floor, I'm sweating, women outside our stall are giggling.....I'm beginning to think peeing only in Mexico and only in school is not such a bad idea.

Luckily I still had diapers in my bag.

So if over the next few years you're wondering why you haven't seen Jordan (or her Mommy & Mima for that matter)......we have moved to Mexico until Jordan turns 7 and is no longer afraid of public possessed toilets.

And that is all from The Land of Jordan!

Life According To A 3 Year Old......

The Land of Jordan celebrated turning 3 recently! In fact, we are still celebrating. For all of you out there who share a December birthday.....holy month of presents! And look out if you come from a family who shares Hannukah & Xmas! Present overload!!!! And as if that's not enough, Jordan can't seem to wrap her head around why folks have taken down their Xmas lights when there's still snow on the ground: "but Mom, it's still Xmas cause that's why there's snow on the ground"....

We had our first (and hopefully last) visit to the ER in the month of December. To make a long story somewhat short, Jordan had a high fever and Mommy freaked cause Jordan was shaking uncontrollably and Mima was 2 hours away, so a 911 call took place and many uniformed individuals showed up at our house. We were driven to the hospital in an ambulance and the uniformed guy riding in the back w/us told the driver there was no need for the sirens/lights...that is until I insisted there was a major need for sirens/lights cause how often do I get to ride in an ambulance and blow past traffic? I mean come on, really? Give up a chance for sirens/lights? So we got the full on ambulance experience! (had Jordan not been lying on top of me during the ride I might have asked if I could drive the ambulance!!)

I am beginning to realize that Jordan is paying close attention to what is being said even when I think she's not paying attention. Case and point: Jo-Jo and I went to order Chinese food. We always share sweet & sour chicken together. I take one of those menus w/9,012 different Chinese items to choose from, grab a golf pencil being held in place by a plastic container filled w/rice, circle my sweet & sour chicken and we patiently wait for our food. Woman calls out my order when it's ready, "SWEET & SOUR PORK!" I go up to the counter (Jordan is off to the side playing w/something) and I explain quietly there's no way I ordered pork, I don't even really like pork. And then she shows me my menu where I circled sweet & sour pork.........UGH! So rather than wait for the correct food item to be prepared I decide I can pull this one off on Jordan. I pay for my pork (yuck) and we leave. As we're heading for the car little miss big ears says, "Mom, is that pork?" And in my head I'm going, "Are you kidding me? She heard all that? What the heck?" So I tell her it's chicken and it's gonna be so good when we get home. Well little miss big ears proceeds to GRILL ME the ENTIRE way home about what's in the bag!! "Mom, is it really chicken? I don't like pork. Is it pork? Did that lady say pork? Mom, is it really chicken? What's that smell Mom? It smells different." Now I'm freaking out internally cause she's just about past the hunger feed time window and I'm reaching my hunger feed time window and if this pork can't pass as chicken I'm screwed! So we get home, I talk up the 'chicken' and how it's gonna be so good and so much fun eating it together (mind you it smells TOTALLY different than when we get the chicken) and I plate the whole thing w/rice and she skeptically takes a fork full....sweat is dripping down my face......my mind is racing as to what the heck I'm gonna make for her if this doesn't go over well.....and then she says, "Yummy Mommy!! This is the best chicken I ever ate!!!" SCORE!!!!!!!!

Took Jordan (and her 2 cousins) ice skating a few weeks ago. I was so excited to do this w/her!! What a lame brain idea that was. Sounds great in theory...that is if you're child actually doesn't mind wearing 17 layers of clothing and being placed in a shoe w/a razor blade on the bottom. But I managed to get her out on the ice and of course she loved that part of it b/c what could be so bad about being held up by your arms by your Mom while she pushes you around and you're just hanging out as if you're in a parade and everyone is there to watch you? Twice around and I honestly thought I would never stand up straight again, my back was killing me!!!! Of course twice around was enough for Jo-Jo who then wanted off the ice immediately and out of the razor blade shoes only to venture out in search of "schnacks"....(snacks). The folks who built the ice rink: brilliant, gifted people. Why you ask? Because who else thinks to put an arcade/ski ball/air hockey room in an ice rink facility? Genius! So after paying nearly $60 to get us all in, spending MAYBE 30 minutes on the ice, paying another $25 for lunch.....I then find myself buying friggin tokens for the kids to play ski ball! Jordan will not be ice skating any time in the near future!

A few funny moments in The Land of Jordan:

- We had the baby sitter here Saturday for Jo-Jo b/c we were going out. Jordan asked, "Where are you going Mommy?" so I told her we're going to cousin Nancy's house and Jordan then asked, "Are you going to have a play date there?"

- Had the TV on the other day, women's basketball game was on, Jordan and I are working on a puzzle and a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial comes on which IMMEDIATELY catches Jordan's attention. The commercial ends w/a picture of a Reece's PB cup and Jordan says, "WOW WOW WOW WOW Mommy, that looks totally yummy!"

- Jordan informed me the other day that when she gets bigger and goes to the bigger kids school that I can go there too b/c I'll be bigger too, but, there won't be any treadmills there. (basically this means Jordan thinks all stay-at-home moms spend all their time on treadmills while the kids are in school)

- We seem to have a bit of curiousness about Heaven. It first started w/me talking about my cat Marco who died way before Jordan was born. She likes to hear all about Marco and wants to know "why Marco died out". And now we're discussing Heaven b/c my Dad died. So Jordan says, "Mom, Poppi and Marco are in the clouds?" and I tell her they are up there in the clouds in Heaven and she says, "Are they on an airplane?"

A few Mommy observations:

- You know you're spending too much time at one particular place when you're child yells out from the back seat of the car: "There's Target!"

- You know you're so super screwed when the usual bribe of "there will be no Olivia (her favorite show) if you don't....." is met w/your 3 year old not being phased in the least by the bribe! This has happened at least 4 times so far and each time I'm stumped, freaked, clueless and dumbfounded! She outsmarted me! She doesn't care if she misses Olivia!

- You know your child has a future w/the transportation authority when you are asked every single day in the car, "How you get down there Mommy?" and Mommy goes into the "you have to take the exit ramp" discussion.

- You know you're a total geek and total Mom when you realize you're rockin out in the car w/your child to Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies" performed by Alvin & The Chipmunks!

That would be all for now from The Land of Jordan. Stay tuned for Jordan's next update when she returns from her trip to Mexico! (Jordan decided she did not have to clear it w/her 2 mommies before inviting her teacher Linda to Mexico w/us. Oh and that same teacher got an invite via Jo-Jo to come over and play Disney Bingo at our house!)

Stay warm....stay safe!