It’s not often that one gets to be ‘Jack Hannah’ in real life. But JoJo and I totally got to have that experience over the last 2 days.
I’d like to keep this story short and to the point but it seems nearly impossible for me to tell ANY story in a short and quick manner b/c, well, it’s truly all about the details right? And w/out the details it would be just another lame story about bunnies found, bunnies captured, bunnies causing great neighborhood concern, bunnies lost, bunnies found, bunnies in a garage, bunnies set free. Right?
So, it all started on a warm and sunny evening in Pompton Lakes, NJ. JoJo and I were out on the deck painting Mother’s Day cards. All of a sudden a bunch of the kids from the neighborhood were running by wearing plastic wash-the-dishes gloves chasing something, trying to catch this ‘something’ which turned out to be a baby bunny. So of course my tree hugging child and her tree hugging mommy are now full on interested in what’s going on so we ditch the painting and head towards the action.
We come around the corner and there we find neighborhood kids (4 of them) diving and running and trying their hardest to capture these little tiny baby bunnies who are running around the lawn and thru the trees as if someone sent out a screaming baby bunny emergency message that read: “RUN!!!!!” (and assuming the baby bunnies spoke and read English)
After many failed attempts by the neighborhood kids at captures and then successful captures and then successful escapes by the baby bunnies and back to successful captures by the neighborhood kids…..all 6 baby bunnies were in one location by a tree, huddled together in a terrified heap which to the neighborhood kids was viewed as “Awww, look how cute, they’re all snuggling to stay warm!”
And then began the neighborhood kid's intense discussion on how to keep the baby bunnies safe and away from the hawks circling above and holy shit, where did that walking wild turkey come from?!!!! (the kids, including JoJo, are now chasing the walking wild turkey away from the baby bunnies)
So the kids decide a rock wall surrounding the baby bunnies is the best idea to keep them safe and together. The construction begins. The search for the perfect rocks takes place. I’m to watch the baby bunnies and make sure they don’t escape. Before long there is a pretty decent rock wall formation surrounding the 6 ‘snuggling’ baby bunnies. But something is missing according the neighborhood kids. LETTUCE! And CARROTS! And GRASS!!! The ‘leader’ neighborhood kid (Victoria) takes control and starts spewing out orders: “Nick, get lettuce!” “Skylar, get carrots!” “Hannah and JoJo, grass! We need grass and lots of it!” Kids scatter in all directions on a major mission.
Once the finishing touches on the baby bunnies ‘condo’ are in place the neighborhood kids, including JoJo, don’t know what to do w/themselves now that all their hard work is done so they decide they must pick up each baby bunny (against ALL my begging and reasoning and stern Mommy-insisting-voice to leave the baby bunnies alone) and as they are all holding these baby bunnies (some kids have gloves on and some don’t……JoJo being one who does not have gloves on) they decide to name the baby bunnies. Each baby bunny is given the same name as the child holding them. So there’s Nick, Hannah, Skylar, Victoria & JoJo. Somehow they don’t realize that there’s another baby bunny that has not yet received a name b/c they keep picking up and putting down all the bunnies and they pretty much all look the same except for ‘Nick’ who they are convinced is the baby boy bunny b/c he’s a different color.
Then I hear ‘the leader’ yell: “You guys, someone get a marker! QUICK!” And just as Skylar is taking off to run home to get a marker for ‘the leader’ I stop her and ask her why she needs a marker, to which she replies: “Victoria is going to mark each of the bunnies so we know who is who.”
O. M. G. Are you f’ing kidding me?
So I say, “Absolutely NOT! You will NOT be marking these bunnies w/a marker, or a crayon or a pen or a pencil! THESE ARE BABY BUNNIES! This is NOT Sea World where you tag the dolphins and whales to keep track of them. THIS IS POMPTON LAKES and these are WILD BABY BUNNIES who just happen to be born here in this neighborhood!” Skylar turns around and heads towards Victoria and then I hear her say: “JoJo’s mom said we can’t put marker on the baby bunnies b/c they don’t live in Sea World.” (as I’m writing this I am dying laughing but at the time of this happening it didn’t seem so funny to me, I was kinda losing it over these little baby bunnies with the kids constantly picking them up and terrifying the baby bunnies)
You would think this saga would be done by now right? Not even close. It’s now time for the neighbors, adult neighbors to take over THE GREAT BABY BUNNY RESCUE!
10:30pm. Kids are all asleep. I text Tracey (neighbor across the street who knows EVERYONE in the development & has the BIGGEST best mushy heart)… "Trace, totally freaked about the baby bunnies being out there alone and it’s cold. What should we do?” Her response: “I f’ing hate you (meaning she loves me, or so I think, lol) b/c now all I’m thinking about are those baby bunnies and I don’t want to be worried about the baby bunnies, I f’ing hate you, meet me outside in 2 min!” And there we are. Outside my door, debating on what to do. And when we are ever stuck on what to do about ANYTHING in life we turn to ‘the decision maker’ also known as Lisa, our other neighbor who happens to have THE biggest most mushy heart for animals! Lisa never waivers on anything. She makes a decision and that’s it. So Tracey calls Lisa, who says, “you do realize it’s 10:30 at night don’t you?” Somehow a decision has come down that the baby bunnies are to be moved to secure location. And w/that decision Tracey goes into her house and immediately comes back out w/a blue laundry basket and a blanket, aka: secure location!
Off goes Tracey……to gather the bunnies into the basket and the warmth of the blanket. But we’ve also made a decision that they should not be left outside b/c what if the walking wild turkey comes back? Or a bear? And here comes Tracey, carrying the blue laundry basket full of not 6 baby bunnies wrapped in a blanket but 7 baby bunnies and Tracey is mumbling: “F’ing hate you, can’t count, 7 baby bunnies, not 6, f’ing hate you, can’t be worrying about baby bunnies…….”
The 7 baby bunnies are now being stored in Tracey’s garage……but of course I kick into ‘mom mode’ and think about Tracey pulling her car out of her garage in the morning to go to work and what if one of the baby bunnies has escaped the blue laundry basket and she doesn’t know it or see it and moves her car? “Trace! Wait! You have to pull your car out tonight! (as I tell her my ‘mom mode’ worry thought) And there she goes, in the house to get her car keys, again mumbling “F’ing hate you, can’t believe it’s 11:30pm and I’m doing this, f’ing hate you, can’t be worrying about baby bunnies”. Now the car is in the driveway, the bunnies are safe in the ‘secure location’ and we say good night…….until Tracey who “can’t be worrying about baby bunnies” has taken to the computer and is searching everywhere for info on what to do for wild baby bunnies. She learns that the mommy bunny comes back at night to feed her baby bunnies. And here she goes, again, outside, 12:15am, carrying the blue laundry basket back to the rock formation area, mumbling: “f’ing hate you, baby bunnies in, baby bunnies out, move my car, can’t count, not 6 but 7, f’ing hate you, can’t be worrying about baby bunnies” and she leaves the baby bunnies in the blue laundry basket on it’s side so the mommy bunny can get to the babies (if she comes back) to feed them. Everyone goes to bed.
Next day……JoJo is up and jonesing to check on the baby bunnies. I tell her the whole blue laundry basket story and as we look out our window we can see the blue laundry basket right where the rock wall formation is. If you ever want to get to work on time or get your kid to school on time or just get out of the house super quick.........place 7 baby bunnies in a blue laundry basket outside and tell your kids about it! There was no whining this morning, there was no dragging of the feet, there was no dreading of the hair brushing! There was only one mission and that was to get out of the house FAST so she could see the 7 baby bunnies.
Of course there was a gathering of neighborhood kids around the blue laundry basket b/c every parent in my development had an easy morning w/their kids on this day. And of course every kid had a baby bunny in their hand. I tried to explain that the baby bunnies are afraid and we should just leave them alone. It was as if I was speaking an entirely different language that none of them had ever heard before b/c as I'm saying this they are AGREEING w/me and nodding their heads 'yes' but yet they STILL held onto the baby bunnies. They were on a baby bunny high and had I stayed there one minute longer I would have surely gotten a contact baby bunny high!!! So off we went to work and school w/tales of 7 baby bunnies!
JoJo and I didn't get home until 7pm that night. There was no need to wonder if anyone was by the baby bunnies b/c you could see a crowd gathered around the blue laundry basket. I didn't turn at my street, no point, there were baby bunnies to see! We get out of the car and of course the neighborhood kids are all there, each w/a baby bunny in their hand. So we ask how they made out and we're told that baby bunny Nick got away! Apparently he made a break for it and wound up under "that mean lady's deck!" I have no idea who the mean lady is until they take me to the deck baby bunny Nick is supposed to be under and it turns out 'the mean lady' is actually my neighbor Sandy and she's not mean at all! She's so friggin nice! Sandy wants what's best for the baby bunnies which is to leave them alone so that's what she told the kids and now she's earned herself the reputation as 'the mean lady'..........This new rep of hers may affect the amount of Halloween visits she has this year!!
So, we are down to 6 baby bunnies, a blue laundry basket, a crowd of neighborhood kids, a few parents and some circling hawks. The discussion turns to what should we do w/the baby bunnies tonight b/c it's supposed to rain and rain big time! One suggestion thrown out was we each take a baby bunny home but that suggestion started the kids arguing about who gets to take the extra baby bunny home since it was the 5 original baby bunny rescuers (the kids) and 6 baby bunnies. Another suggestion was build walls around the blue laundry basket but nobody had any wood and there was no way I was attempting to build a 'house' at 7:20pm! Someone suggested plastic over the blue laundry basket. Someone (I'm pretty sure it was JoJo) suggested we give each baby bunny a rain coat. I took one look at my kid who was covered from head to toe in 'park' (amazing play date at the park today) and was in dire need of a shower so I just said "JoJo and I will take the 7 baby bunnies and they can stay in our garage tonight so they are safe and protected from the impending rain storm." You'd have thought I had just conquered world peace w/the reactions of the kids and the parents! But now the kids were all fighting over who got to carry the blue basket of baby bunnies to my car so I suggested they all grab the basket together and carry it together to JoJo's house (literally around the corner) and that I would take the car and meet them there. Why I did not have any of this recorded on video is beyond me! I'm gonna blame the contact baby bunny high for this. You should have seen how adorable these 5 kids looked carrying the blue basket around the corner being so careful and working together as a team!!! It was awesome! They place the blue basket in the garage, I leave my car out in the driveway just to be safe and all the kids say good night to the 6 remaining baby bunnies. As JoJo and I are coming out of the garage, there's Tracey on her porch asking what we are doing. So we explain to her about keeping them safe and warm and protected. She (Tracey) stands up and says: "I woke up this morning and I have washed my hands of the baby bunnies! I am over it and I refuse to be concerned any longer!" (Did she really think she was fooling us w/the whole hand washing thing? This coming from the woman who was out at 12:15am carrying the blue basket of baby bunnies back and forth thru the neighborhood????)
And now it's night time, the 3 neighbors (me, Lisa & Tracey) are outside discussing the baby bunnies and what I should be feeding them. Lisa went to the pet store and got 'hay' b/c she read that's what they eat at this age......oh and Romaine lettuce. Not iceberg, just Romaine. So Tracey throws down from her porch this lettuce mix for me to dig thru to find the Romaine. Took my 'salad' and gave it to the baby bunnies along w/water and called it a night.
4:40am........."Mom? I can't sleep. I keep thinking about the baby bunnies." Grrrrrrrrrrr. "Come sleep w/me JoJo, it's WAY too early to be up." 4:55am......"Mom? I hear the birds chirping and I can't sleep." Grrrrrrr. "JoJo honey, go in your room please and try and sleep." 5:10am......."Mom? I have to pee okay?" Grrrrrrrrrrr. "All good JoJo, you pee, I'm up!"
After showering and getting dressed, beds made we head downstairs to the garage. JoJo and I make a deal: if the baby bunnies are all in the blue laundry basket then we'll keep them another day. If any of the baby bunnies are out of the blue laundry basket then we will set them free today even though it's pouring rain outside. Deal. (we shook on it)
Enter the garage.....approach blue basket and take a head count, or in this case a tail count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.........5..........5.........ONE IS MISSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quick search of the garage and we don't see anything but at this point I don't have time to move stuff around looking for the missing baby bunny. We have to do breakfast, homework, lunches........and once all that is done we prepare ourselves to transport the baby bunnies to a new location off site of our development.
As I'm loading up the car w/the 42 non-baby bunny items I have in my hands (and it's pouring out so now I'm soaked b/c the car is not in the garage due to the overnight guests) I hear JoJo: "MOM!!! I FOUND THE MISSING BABY BUNNY!!!" as she's lying on the garage floor in her newly washed uniform......but then in 3 seconds I too am lying on the garage floor in my newly washed clothes and sure enough JoJo has found the little missing baby bunny in the corner of the garage behind 'stuff'. We manage to get the little dude out, this one is quick and fun but I'm able to catch the baby bunny and load it into the blue basket w/the others. 6 baby bunnies are accounted for.
JoJo and I decide that we will take the baby bunnies down off our 'mountain' that we live on and go into a very wooded area at the bottom. But before we can set them free we say our goodbyes and tell them we love them. I find what I think is the perfect spot for them. Pouring rain, did I mention this? Here I am, soaked, carrying the blue laundry basket over to this rock that has this 'tunnel' under it and I one by one lift each baby bunny out of the basket and show it to JoJo (she's in the car b/c, did I mention that it's POURING?) and each baby bunny immediately heads toward the tunnel except for "Hoppy". That's my name for the one who got out in the garage, he decides to hop in a different direction. I get to the last baby bunny and as I'm picking it up I realize it's leg is hurt. My heart is breaking......but I put it down and it hops towards the tunnel. Oh, and I took all the remaining hay and spread it out right at the rock so they would have something to eat.
Back in the car, soaked, empty blue laundry basket, and off to school we go. As we drive to school I tell JoJo how proud I am of her and how compassionate she is and that together she and the neighborhood kids did a good thing in trying to help these baby bunnies but in the end they are in fact wild animals so us setting them free was the right thing to do. We decided we both want to work at a zoo together!
And that.......is............NOT the end of my story! OMG! I totally thought this was done.
As I'm driving home today (my non-JoJo day) I realize I'm dreading seeing the neighborhood kids b/c I know how bummed they're going to be when they find out we set them free and I also know they are going to be circling my house like those hawks waiting for me to come home. But I suck it up and when I don't see any kids as I pull up to my place I immediately park in the garage, shut the door, fall to the floor and crawl thru my house, never turn a light on and live like this for the night in hopes they don't come knocking. KIDDING! They eventually do come knocking with one of their moms and I go outside and explain the whole thing to them. They took it pretty well and one of them even asked if JoJo was sad about it. So I spend a good amount of time talking to them (probably this is where I went wrong) and they wind up asking me where I set the baby bunnies free. Now, I have rehearsed in my head all day how I was NOT going to tell them where we set the baby bunnies free. What's the first thing I do when asked that question? Completely cave and tell them the 'general' location of where we did it thinking there is no f'ing way they will EVER find that rock, EVER. (mind you, I completely forgot that I spread a barn yard of hay in front of the rock, DUH) I say bye to them and tell them JoJo will be here Friday and she's surely gonna be looking for them. And off they go.
45 minutes later: "STACEY STACEY STACEY STACEY STACEY STACEY! JOJO'S MOM JOJO'S MOM JOJO'S MOM!" Screaming! The kids and the mom. All screaming for me. They are at my back door carrying a cat carrier.........R U KIDDING ME?????????
Yup, they found the baby bunnies, still in that tunnel under that rock (Thanks to the bushel of friggin hay I displayed in front of the rock! Might as well have been a huge NEON sign w/an arrow pointing down that said: BABY BUNNIES HERE). They found 5, one was missing but when I looked in the carrier I realized it was the one w/the hurt leg that was missing so I told them they had to go back! They couldn't leave one behind!!! As we are having the missing baby bunny discussion, Nick the human is frantically searching under mine and Sandy's deck for Nick the baby bunny!!! I insist he use a flash light, which I immediately give to him and sure enough Nick the human finds Nick the baby bunny!!! But Nick the baby bunny doesn't want to be caught, obviously, and he takes off. I am now watching 4 neighborhood kids and one mom chase this tiny little baby bunny all over the place! It's almost as if Nick the baby bunny knows that if he makes a quick turn and then runs back towards where he was that the idiot running neighbors will run into one another b/c that nearly happened 5 times!!! Nick the baby bunny is finally captured and placed in the cat carrier w/the others.
Somehow everyone is convinced that Nick the human is going to be allowed to keep these baby bunnies and off they all go for the night. Or so I thought.
In the meantime I send Tracey and Lisa a text letting them know that I'm a moron and I suck and how I gave up too much info and quickly explained the capturing of the baby bunnies.
"STACEY STACEY STACEY STACEY STACEY!!!!" And I'm back out on the deck. "Can you keep the baby bunnies here on your deck for a few minutes b/c we're all going back to the rock to find the missing baby bunny w/your flash light ok?" And here I am, on my deck, holding a cat carrier full of baby bunnies. The search and rescue team are back w/in a few minutes w/the injured baby bunny who they have named "Twitch" b/c apparently he has a little twitch. (Can't be sure when they saw said twitch, but okay).
And off they go w/the cat carrier......baby bunnies captured yet again. As for me, I'm trying to let it all go b/c I feel like a tool for sending them in the right direction of where we set them free but I couldn't lie. So here I am, writing this story at my dining room table, hoping to FINALLY be done w/this saga when I hear once more: "STACEY STACEY STACEY STACEY STACEY!" And I'm on the deck again. The neighborhood kids are begging me to keep the baby bunnies (in the carrier) on my deck overnight. "Um, guys? What happened to Nick's garage?" Apparently nobody cleared this w/Nick's parents who instantly said NO! And the other two girls standing there said their parents said the SAME thing, AND one of those girls is the daughter of the mom who was here all day running around capturing baby bunnies! WTF? Turns out it's the dad who refuses. "Please Stacey, please.......??????" As I'm staring into the cat carrier (which btw, is blue like the laundry basket) and my heart is melting. Damn these kids are good! So I cave. But I cave w/a time limit! "Here's the deal guys: the baby bunnies can stay here on my deck until FRIDAY." And they say, "What happens Friday?" My response is: "Friday we set them free. BUT, we set them free TOGETHER. All of us. The 4 of you and me and JoJo. JoJo MUST be involved in this otherwise I will not have the baby bunnies here on the deck! Got it?" And they are totally on board. And I'm a total sap! As they're walking away Skylar turns around and says, "Stacey? You won't set them free tomorrow will you?" And I promised I would not.
End of story right? Nope.
"STACEY STACEY STACEY STACEY!!!" There's Skylar outside my deck. "My parents said I can keep the baby bunnies until Saturday morning and then we have to set them free." I hand over the cat carrier to Skylar, we make a plan that on Saturday we will all together set the baby bunnies free w/JoJo. And once again, there go the well traveled baby bunnies.
Lessons learned from this:
- Don't paint outside on your deck
- Call the police IMMEDIATELY upon seeing any neighborhood kids
- Buy less hay
- Find out if laundry baskets and cat carries come in any other colors
- Stop pretending you're Jack Hannah b/c you're not
- Maybe listen to Tracey & Lisa once in awhile, they tend to be right
- Put your house up for sale and move to the city where there are only dogs
