Santa Is Still Scary When You Are 3.

I know the Santa picture looks as if Jordan is enjoying herself but trust me, that smile happened once during a long meltdown period and there is a story behind that.........but first let me say hello and welcome back to The Land of Jordan! Today Jordan turned 3!!! Incredibly hard for me to wrap my head around 3 years zipping by. I love how folks would say to you before you gave birth, "Don't you worry, you won't remember much of the actual birth as time goes on..." Did these people become addicted to crack and that's why they don't remember? Because I remember every single detail of every single second before, during and after Jordan was born. Hence living by the "ONE AND DONE" motto!

But this isn't about me is it? It's about Jordan and the amazing 3 year old she has become.

It's about how Jordan answers "sure" when asked a yes or no question.

Or it's about how Jordan answers "sure not" when asked a yes or no question. "Sure not." How funny is that?

It's about how we try to crack each other up and how one day I must have really cracked her up because after she was done laughing she said, "good one Mom!" Now THAT was funny!

It's about "Mom, when I get older" and then she goes on and on about how she's going to draw a bigger picture b/c when you are older you can do that.

It's about "Mom, when YOU get older" and then she goes on and on about how I can go to her school and be in her classroom when I get older.

It's all about the fear she and all her little friends have of: 'THE MAN'....... "The man said you're not allowed to take the clothes off the mannequins!!" Or "The man said you have to stay in your seats!" Or "The man said the mall is closing even though it's only 11am and sunny outside.......the man said!" The ultimate power this 'MAN' has........

Oh and it's also about her, "I just have an idea" moments! Those are hilarious! "I just have an idea Mom. You hide right here. And I go and count. And I find you and you don't say BOO cause I just have an idea I will get scared."

It's also about when I ask her to read a book to me! One time she started 'reading' a book to me and she got to what I imagine was 'the good part' and instead of just telling me what happens next she says, "Mom...wait for it......wait for it......." and then proceeds to tell me! Now THAT was super funny!!!

It's also about how she is expanding her vocabulary to include words I overuse. When asked how her ice cream is she replies, "Totally yummy Mom."

Those are just a few of the awesome (another word I overuse often) things Jordan is doing lately. But let's move on, let's get to the Santa story. Why must there be a story w/Santa? Why can't it just be we had a picture taken w/Santa and all is good? Nope, no such luck.

Yes, I will readily admit I bribed my child to get her picture taken w/Santa. Listen, I knew way ahead of time that the big dude in the red suit was going to be just as scary this year as he was last year. So what's a Jewish mother to do? Bribe! Clearly guilting her into it was not going to work.

Here I am thinking I am so going to win this one! I am way smarter than a 3 year old. There is no way she's going to give me a hard time about this Santa guy. Afterall, we spent nearly 45 minutes beforehand talking about it. The deal was this: she could pick out candy from the candy kiosk and eat some before the Santa picture. And right after the Santa picture she could continue her candy eating b/c she will have done such a great job w/the Santa picture.

So, here we go: candy has been purchased. Jelly beans happened to be the candy of choice. Jelly beans were being consumed as we waited in the Santa picture taking line, all the while still going over and over our 'plan' of attack: go up, don't sit on his lap cause you don't want to, stand next to him, offer him a jelly bean, smile for the picture, and off we go for more cavity eating crap! All good. I am feeling confident, even if the 3 kids who were in front of us screamed their heads off as they were handed to the big dude in the red suit, I was still holding onto our 'plan'!

And we are up! Jelly beans for Santa are in the palm of my hand. Jordan turns the corner and sees Santa. THE CHILD LOSSES HER MIND!!!!!!!!! She crawled up my body and is now screaming crying in my arms, jelly beans are melting in my hand, I'm holding her jacket/the bag of jelly beans/and holding Jordan and now I'm sweating as if I just came out of a sauna! So I plead, I beg, I attempt to place her on Santa's bench, I attempt to place her standing next to Santa. It's as if Jordan dipped her hands in Super Glue and can not remove herself from my body. So now I sit next to Santa w/Jordan clinging to me and not facing the camera. Somehow I am able to distract Jordan w/the melting jelly beans in the palm of my hand that we have for Santa. As I'm distracting her I'm placing her on his lap and backing away from them, all the while I am screaming at the picture taking dude to just snap and don't stop snapping no matter what! And I'm still backing up and Jordan is flipping out crying and Mommy is still backing away.........and here's 'the good part' of the story.....but as Jordan likes to say: "wait for it, wait for it.........."

Mommy backed up into the lighting equipment! Mommy tripped. Mommy dumped jelly beans. Mommy caught lighting equipment as it was nearly crashing down. And what did Jordan do? LAUGHED AND SMILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the camera dude who was so rudely instructed by me to keep snapping and don't stop actually caught the one moment where Jordan smiled!

Note to self: next year forget the candy, just wipe out the Santa set up!

Hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving and hope you all have a fantastic rest of the holiday season!!!

The Land of Men?????

We here who live in The Land of Jordan would like to send out a quick update to all of you. The Land of Jordan has shifted a bit. The child who lives w/two mommies & spends majority of her time surrounded by a posse of lesbian women, well this child is now experiencing her first real 'MAN CRUSH'........OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

Enter "Mr. Tim", Jo-Jo's gymnastics teacher. Mr. Tim seems to rock Jordan's world! Mr. Tim is quite aware of the 'man power' he has over our little Jo-Jo. Mr. Tim speaks, she listens. Mr. Tim moves to another area of the room, she follows. Mr. Tim gives a command and the child who is famous for pretending she never hears MY commands suddenly grows gigantic listening ears which only allow Mr. Tim's voice to penetrate thru them, and the command is followed.

It's the oddest thing to sit back and watch your nearly 3 year old child be crushed out on someone. Jordan gets these big loving eyes when she's around him. She smiles uncontrollably. She is constantly making sure he's watching her and she totally wants his approval for her attempts at the forward roll!

Granted Mr. Tim is quite cute but he's no Penelope Cruz!

.....It appears, for now, our daughter is taking the 'straight' road. I think I'm okay w/it. I'm going to seek out a support group for lesbian moms w/straight kids so when the time comes for Jordan to confide in us that she is in fact straight.......we will know the right things to say to her. (kidding)

Do you think it's more intimidating for a teenage boy to come to the home of the girl he's interested in where a mom and dad reside or 2 moms and a posse answer the door? I think I'm onto something here....I feel a reality show in the making happening right now in my head! Stay tuned!!!!

On a completely different note: Jordan would like to know why there is a bug on her cousin's belly and why the bug is making her cousin feel sick. (Christianna has a 'stomach bug' today and is home sick). Try explaining that one to a nearly 3 year old!

That's all from the Land of Jordan for now.......

A Day In The Life of Jo-Jo

Anybody up for a little trip? Let's climb aboard and visit The Land of Jordan. This journey will give you complete access to the daily conversations I have w/Jordan. Shall we begin? A play-by-play of our day?

Mornings:

- 1st question upon waking: "Where Chase?" "Chasey sleeping too?" And no matter what my answer might be to these questions she always follows it up w/the ever-so-annoying "Why?"

- 2nd question: "You want to play w/me Mommy?" I mean that's just a silly question seeing how I'm always looking for someone to play w/me!!! What a perfect pair we make! I'm currently teaching Jordan how to return my ping pong serve!!!

- 3rd question: "Where we going?" Which I guess is to be expected seeing how I never ever stay home and we are always out and about doing something someplace somewhere.

Next we move onto discussing the animals of the world:

- 4th question: "Mommy, did you see that 'chipmonkey'?

- new observation: "Mommy, look at the 'chipmonkey', he left 'foot-A-prints'! It's as if I'm having a conversation w/a tiny Italian woman, "foot-A-prints".....very funny!!!

Now we enter the silly phase of the day:

- while staring at a picture of Hannah Montana, Jordan sneezes and says, "Mommy! I bless you'd on Hannah 'Nantana'...!"

- "I OKAY MOMMY" comes from a room nowhere near where I am in the house after a tremendous 'THUD' was heard.

- upon discovering something new: "What that all about Mommy?"

- after attempting to lasso Nina the cat w/the hula hoop: "Nina not very nice."

- realizing I have said something Jordan totally does not understand: "What you say Mommy?" which is the new version of "WHY" cause now I find myself explaining what I originally said in a totally different way only to be followed up w/the: "What you say now Mommy?"........

The car continues to be a fun and interesting place:

- we are constantly playing "I SPY" together, however Jordan's version of this is: "I spy MY little eye......"and then she chooses something so silly cute for me to find in the world. And God forbid I go out of turn...."No Mommy, it's my turn now."

- demanding to have and hold the navigation system b/c, well, she said to me: "I have to check my e-mail Mommy" and once she was finished checking her 'e-mail' she handed it back to me and insisted I check my e-mail too.

Nosey body:

- "Who that?" after I get off the phone.

New favorite food:

- coffee ice cream seems to be the new favorite ice cream flavor! And look out if she eats too much too fast........."Ouch Mommy.....'BURN FREEZE'........." (for brain freeze in case you didn't speak Jo-Jo)

- "I want that" as she's scoffing down my caesar salad.

Becoming incredibly aware of her sense of smell:

- "What that stinky smell?" when she passes gas!! How does she think we feel???

Those are just a few of the funny and interesting things we hear on a daily basis. The conversations are endless. From the minute she wakes up until she is passing out in her crib at night, Jordan talks non-stop!!! She even continues talking once we put her down for the night and sometimes those are the funniest things to hear thru the monitor.

One particular night we had gone to dinner w/Chase and the two of them wound up fighting about something. They are both so stubborn. She antagonized him and he pushed her. Long story short: she cried and he was told to apologize to her. Of course they were best buds w/in 3 seconds after the fight. But that night when she went to bed I heard her over the monitor: "Chase, it's not nice to hit. We don't hit Chase. Say you're sorry." and then she'd pretend to be Chase and I'd hear, "SORRY" in this silly voice. And she had this same conversation for nearly 30 minutes, "Chase, it's not nice to hit. We don't hit Chase. Say you're sorry."......"SORRY".......

Hope you enjoyed your journey today.

The Land of Jordan would like to thank everyone who donated and helped me reach my fund raising goal for The Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. The 39.2 mile walk is in 10 days.......I hope to make each of you super proud of me. But mostly I hope to be a part of stopping this horrific disease.

Until next time..............enjoy the change of season!!!

"Why Mommy?"

Welcome back to The Land of Jordan. Currently we are going by a whole new name: The Land of 'Why Mommy'?

Everything discussed in this land is immediately followed up w/one question: "Why Mommy?" And if we are really in a hurry we just get the "Why?" "Why?" "Why?"

It's so interesting to hear yourself answering the 'why' questions. Of course you know as you're nearing the end of your discussions w/your child you will be met w/the 'why' question so you attempt to prepare a 'why' answer even before you have finished the discussion. "Why Mommy?" And Mommy goes into some really rational detailed explanation as to why we call them seagulls and not eagles. "Why Mommy?" So Mommy tries a different angle explaining in more simple terms why there is not a baby in Chase's belly. "Why Mommy?" And Mommy feels her patience slipping away as she's attempting to quickly explain why we don't eat pine cones. "Why Mommy?" Now Mommy has been pushed over the 'why' cliff and realizes there is no rational, simple answer to any or all of these questions, nor will the 'why' questions ever go away until you freak out on your child and you hear yourself screaming EXACTLY what your parents screamed at you: "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" For some odd, strange, yet to be explained reason, the 'because I said so' answer seems to halt the 'why' questions. And all is good in the world until the next discussion starts which usually happens 30 seconds after your freak out moment.

Here's a list of a few things happening in Jordan's life:

- Jordan had camp for the first time this summer. Camp is really pre-school in a bathing suit.

- We have managed to get rid of the car paci! We accompanied Jo-Jo to the garbage can as she was encouraged to toss the ripped paci out.

- If you see a child hugging a tree in a neighborhood near you it's probably Jordan. Yep, she's a tree hugger. She can not pass up a tree w/out wrapping her body around it. What is that all about?

- If you happen to be at the Montville Park and smell something not so great, no worries. It's Jordan's diaper full of poop! This child poops every single time we go to that park. For real, not kidding, every single time we are there she poops. It's the 'Poop Park'. And I'm convinced the ice cream man waits for Jordan to poop, watches me take her to the back of our car, remove her shorts, begin the process of de-pooping and only then does he turns on that ice cream music which must be laced w/acid or some mind tripping drug b/c every kid is now losing their mind (including mine who has yet to get a new diaper on and is trying to get out of the car w/out clothes on) as he's pulling up to the curb.

- Have you ever noticed what happens to a group of 2 year olds when one of the moms opens a snack for their child? They become seagulls! It's as if they have supersonic listening skills and they hear the 'rip' of a Cheese-It bag from miles away and they all come running and start circling the mom who opened the snack. Of course it's even funnier when you give one kid a bag of snacks and all the other kids are circling the kid w/the snacks. The snack kid can't hand the snacks out fast enough to the 'seagulls' and by the time the snack kid does get to hand the snacks out the 'seagulls' are ready for more which means the snack kid never actually gets to eat any of the snacks b/c the snack kid is too busy being polite knowing that if the snack kid is not polite and does not share, the bag will be immediately ripped from the snack kid's hands by some polite policing mom!

- I had my first dance lesson from Jordan. We were rockin out in the kitchen just being silly and dancing to some booty shaking song when Jordan turns to me and says, "No Mommy. You got to put your knees together like this." So I put my knees together and ask, "Like this Jo-Jo?" And she says, "Yeah Mommy, now shake your booty" as she's doing her best booty shakin move so I join in and give it my best booty shakin move and I hear, "Oh good job Mommy!!!"

- Malu and I witnessed Jordan & Chase french kissing a few weeks ago. Needless to say we were a bit speechless and freaked out. Of course in a perfect world our reaction would have been a calm, "Okay you two, we don't do that, please stop" or something along those lines. But in our world, the reality world, our reaction was total silence at first and then, "OH MY GOD!" "WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?" "STOP DOING THAT!!!!!" And you know what happened next right? "Why Mommy?"

- Jordan told me and Mima the other day, "The moon has 2 mommies." How cute is that?

- Jordan is convinced she has a little sister. Her name is Nina. So now our cat has become the little sister.

- We were driving somewhere a few days ago and Jordan asked me if she could have something to which I replied no (for whatever reason) so she started to ask Mima the same question and I said, "Jo-Jo I already told you can't have that" and then Jordan said to me, "I talking to Mima Mommy......." which really meant, "Don't care what you said Mommy b/c I have a work around plan for this."

- Finally had Jo-Jo officially weighed at the pediatrician's office. Our little girl is 22.8 pounds. Lauren, the mom of Jo-Jo's friend likes to describe Jordan as "air" or "like you're lifting a piece of popcorn" which I think is super funny and quite true.

- "I do myself" seems to be heard quite a bit in our house. I'm hoping tomorrow night when it's bath time Jordan gives me the "I do myself" line.

- Mommy jumped out of a plane a few weeks ago (sky diving w/Goobie & Jenn) and Jordan can't seem to figure out why I would jump out of a small plane and not a big plane...? This is one of the 'why' conversations we have nearly everyday. She also wants to know, "Mommy? You got a boo-boo when you jump out of plane?" and doesn't seem satisfied that I did not get a boo-boo from the jump. "Why Mommy? Why did you not get boo-boo?" I think she wants me to have a boo-boo.......

Wrapping it up from The Land of Jordan. Enjoy the rest of your summer!

Liberty and the Pursuit of Refreshments

Today 'The Land of Jordan' went to Madison Square Garden for The NY Liberty's opening day game.  Jordan has been to 3 other NY Liberty games but of course those happened in past seasons and she was obviously much younger and we'd have to leave by halftime if not sooner.  Now that Jordan is somewhat 'older' she can grasp a few things we throw at her, like:  "We're going to Amy's (it's Amy's b/c our friend Amy works for the Liberty therefore in my mind and I guess Jordan's too she has acquired an entire WNBA team) Liberty basketball game today" which is followed by her usual round of questions:  "Jakey Bilotti go too?  And Chasey too?"  So after explaining that yes Jakey will be there, but Chasey won't be there, we are cleared to head into NY.

Of course once you exit the Lincoln Tunnel the world becomes a different place.  There are people everywhere, walking, running, biking, driving, honking ("Mommy, why beeping?" "Because that person is driving like they're still in NJ honey and this is NY.").  It's funny watching and hearing what your child observes, that is until your child observes the man on the corner selling pretzels and your child starts flipping out in the car demanding a pretzel and your child won't/can't listen to reason b/c the pretzel man is right there on the corner practically dangling the pretzel in front of your child as you are stopped at a traffic light and can't move!  Wait until she discovers the guy who sells roasted nuts!  

Into The Garden we go.  Jordan is pretty excited.  She enjoys the escalator ride up.  She enjoys seeing all the people.  She claps when we get to our seats and she seems very in awe of the entire arena.  Jordan's man Jake arrives and suddenly the world is such a better place for the two of them.  They were VERY cute sitting next to each other watching what was happening on the court.  And they seemed to be very into eating their Madison Square Garden pizza until.........nope, not the pretzel guy...........this time it's the man carrying the never ending supply of Liberty Dr. Seuss looking hats w/bags of cotton candy attached to them on this really long white pole that you can see coming from any part of the HUGE arena.  As if that's not enough to get a kids attention, now, instead of walking up and down the aisles screaming, "COTTON CANDY HERE", they must have had a meeting on how to entice more kids and are now walking up and down the aisles screaming, "CANDY HERE, CANDY HERE!!!!!"  Are you kidding?  I mean come on!  What kid is not going to want to attack that guy?  And what kid is not going to bug the heck out of their parents for that CANDY?  Sure enough Jake and Jordan stopped eating lunch and started flipping out for that CANDY.  

We (the parents) stood strong for a good amount of time but at some point you lose your mind and start throwing ridiculous, just as bad diversions at the kids:  "Who wants ice cream?"  So back to the concession stand, again.  Two small cups which contained very large amounts of dripping ice cream covered in sprinkles which for some reason wound up sitting on my lap and both kids (one on each side of me) begin scooping/shoveling said ice cream.  Not a good situation.

And here comes that annoying hat/cotton candy dude again, "CANDY HERE, CANDY HERE!!!!"  Suddenly the ice cream isn't all that.  

Next on the list:  popcorn.  Yes, yes I know.  Choking hazard.  Yeah, well so is that really long white pole the cotton candy guy is holding which I wanted to shove down his throat to make him stop yelling about CANDY!

So yes, popcorn came next.  And that held a level of happiness for quite some time. 

At this point we are nearing the end of the 3rd quarter which I think is awesome b/c like I said, last year we never made it past halftime.  

Just as the kids are beginning to melt the camera dude shows up!  So I lift Jordan up above me and tell her to watch the big TV (the jumbo-tron or whatever that huge thing is called) and I start wiggling her and getting her to dance.  She's glued to the big TV and suddenly she sees herself up there and she gets this HUGE smile on her face and I can hear all these people around me start cracking up b/c seriously, could she be any cuter?  And Jake was up on the TV too.  Soooooo cute.  And when it's all said and done Jordan turns around to me and says, "More Mommy, more!!!"  As if I control who & what goes up on the TV at The Garden.

So we leave our first Liberty game of the season and head back to Jersey.  Our car ride home was filled w/Jordan's endless (not kidding) babbling about "Amy's LibERY" (not LiberTy, LibERY)  "Mommy, you climb up steps, and you see Amy's LibERY?"  "And Mommy, I climb up steps by myself and I see Amy's LibERY too?"  "Ohhhh look!!!!  It's Amy's LibERY!!!!"  (a painting on the side of a building)  "Ohhhh look!!!!  It's more Amy's LibERY!!!!!"  (a truck which had the Statue of Liberty on it)  "Mommy I want more Amy's LibERY!!!!"  How cool is that?  My child likes women's basketball!!!  Either that or she just likes all the crap we fed her tonight and just assumes she'll get that each time we go to see "Amy's LibERY".  

And onto other non-basketball things.

Here are a few things we've been experiencing in The Land of Jordan:

 - Jordan wakes up one morning, first thing she says to me is:  "Mommy, Jakey has a peanut" which of course was really:  "Mommy, Jakey has a penis".  Interesting first conversation to start our day off.

 - Teachers at Jordan's school have been telling me how the boys love Jordan.  And how she will wind up w/a different boy each class just sitting and talking until the one day the teachers had to intervene when Jordan and I believe it was Justin were pulling their shirts up showing each other...............belly buttons...........?

 - "Who that boy?"  "Who that girl?"  If we see someone we don't know.

 - "My Mommy" as she's hugging my leg making it known to all that I am in fact her mommy and don't think you're getting a piece of me.

 - We have moved away from the fake smile when she knows I'm annoyed or stressed out at her.  Now we go with:  "Mommy, you happy?" which of course is an awesome thing for a kid to say when you're about to lose it b/c it never fails to make me smile and in fact make me happy.

 - We are still convinced that every single airplane in the sky has Bubby & Pop-Pop on it.  

 - Sadly Jordan has given up her obsession w/the show WORD WORLD.  I feel a void in my life and continue to DVR the show b/c I'm in complete denial.  I love that show.  We are now intrigued/fascinated/obsessed with:  GO DIEGO GO.  

 - I might have ruined my child by insisting we spend as little time as possible at home just b/c I can't sit still.  Jordan tells me at least 4 times a day as we're driving towards home, "No home Mommy, no home!!!"  

That's all from The Land of Jordan, for now!!!  Hope everyone is starting off their summer in a good way.

The Land of Bossy

Christina once gave me a book titled "How to Outwit Squirrels" which I read from cover to cover b/c I was determined to stop the squirrels from getting into our bird feeders.  In the end, I was the one who was outwitted and the squirrels won.  I find myself once again being outwitted but this time it's by Jordan and I can't for the life of me find the "How to Outwit Your Two Year Old" book!!!

Jordan seems to have graduated with honors from the 'Torture Your Mother' school.  My Mom told me Jordan is a little mini version of me which was not so great to hear b/c I put my parents thru hell!

This sweet little quiet child has turned into a demanding bossy impatient loud mouth!!  And she knows when she has pushed my buttons and when I'm at the point of losing my mind.  How does she know this you ask?  This daughter of mine will give you the most FAKE smile she can muster up right at the moment you are about to flip your lid and it's hilarious!  I try very, very hard not to laugh but there are times when it just catches me off guard and I bust out laughing b/c she has totally played me and I am totally defeated and SHE IS TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Just this week she has decided to add a fake hug into the mix along w/the fake smile.  Where does she come up w/this stuff?

And b/c of this new area of the 2's that we are currently visiting I have been forced to take on a few part time jobs.  For example:

 - SHORT ORDER COOK:  "I want 'sumpin' else" when the meal option is just not that appealing any longer.

 - JULIE, CRUISE SHIP DIRECTOR:  "Where we going" is the question each and every morning, which basically means "How are you going to entertain me today?"

 - ADMIN. ASSISTANT:  "I want to call Bubby & Pop-Pop.  Mommy, you call Bubby?"

 - DJ:  "I no like this song Mommy.  I want new song."

 - WENCH:  "Mommy you follow me!"

 - EVENT PLANNER:  "Mommy we have tea party now?"

Jordan's new thing is "I help you Mommy."  No matter what it is I am doing I get the "I help you Mommy."  So this week have had help making the coffee(I think we put 1/2 the bag into one pot), sweeping the floors(of course the wet Cheerios got mushed into the floors as the sweeping was happening), loading the laundry into the machines(I had to convince Jordan that Nina the cat was really not interested in going into the washer machine), dragging the garbage cans back down the driveway after garbage day but this was quickly followed up with:  "Too heavy Mommy.  That too heavy.  You do."  Funny thing is, when I let Jordan know it's time to put her toys away she decides helping just isn't all that interesting.  So she is selectively helping me.  Once again, played by the two year old!

Onto other things...........................

I took Jordan to her first ever movie!!!!!!  We went to go see Disney's "EARTH" and what a cool time we had.  Of course her boyfriend Chase was there too.  It was like Jordan and Chase were on their first date but their mommies were there w/them.  I'm not sure what was more exciting to them:  the movie or the bag of popcorn they devoured.  But what was really funny was this:  I sit Jordan in her own seat and b/c she weighs next to nothing the seat just snapped back up so all you could see was her head and her feet b/c she was sandwiched in that seat!!!  I had to sit w/my hand on her chair for the entire time we were there.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms out there!  Hope you enjoy your day.  

Conversations (and tantrums) With Jordan

Hello from The Land of Jordan!  A land where one single child can test and break your sanity before you even have a chance to realize you're losing your mind.  That same single child can then reel you back in w/her kisses and hugs and make you second guess your sanity break.

Jordan has become quite the vocal entertainer lately.  I spend much of my day having conversations w/Jordan which I just realized today are pretty much conversations of me repeating CORRECTLY what she was trying to say.  

For example, Jordan's new thing is to run into the room shouting, "HERE MY AM!!!"  Which really means, "here I am".

And then we have the new fascination w/airplanes.  It took 30 flights but she's finally interested in the whole airplane/airport experience.  Every single day she says to me, "Mommy, airport day?"  Which is always followed up with:  "I ON PLANE MORROW!!"  Meaning, "I'm going on a plane tomorrow".  Once she realizes we are not going on a plane and we are certainly not going anywhere near the airport she decides:  "BUBBY POP-POP PLANE MORROW!!"  I love how Bubby AND Pop-Pop are not two separate people but just one person:  Bubby Pop-Pop.

We also have another new topic we seem to discuss on a daily basis:  "I ON CATION WITH JAKEY?"  This is always posed as a question.  So I have to tell Jordan that yes, she will go on vacation w/Jakey again but just not today.  And this leads us into the pool discussion.  She then wants to know:  "I POOL DAY?"  To which I seem to always be letting my child down by replying:  "No honey, today is not a pool day b/c we seem to be living in Alaska now and the weather is just never warm enough for a pool day, can I interest you in some ice fishing?"

I like how my two year old tries to use some type of psychology on me when she doesn't want to do something, like, go to school:  "NO SCHOOL DAY MOMMY" as if I just might buy into that and say, "Oh okay, you're right Jordan, there's no school today."

Oh and we also have the "NO HOME" and 2 seconds later the "YES HOME"  tantrum on most days.  This usually happens when she's wicked tired and just can't get it together.  And this is the one 'conversation' that puts me over the edge.  She'll say, "no home" so I follow it up with, "okay no home" and then she'll flip out and scream, "YES HOME" so I'll try and calm her and I say, "okay yes home" and then she loses her mind screaming, "NOOOOOO HOOOOME" and now I'm losing my mind and the two of us look like idiots b/c she's screaming and I'm attempting to tell her that she's confusing the &*@% out of me.  UGH!  This scene always ends w/me tossing my child (kidding) into the car seat and instantly stopping the meltdown by sticking the paci into her mouth.  And suddenly the world is silent and I'm left sweating.

When Jordan notices something new she now says, "HEY WHAT THAT?"  She seemed to be interested in the cell phone towers for about a week, "hey what that" and then we moved onto people in wheelchairs "hey what that" and this week our interests are ambulances or police cars or anything w/lights and sirens "hey what that?".

Jordan doesn't like you to do things that someone else has been doing for her.  Like each night Mima reads this one specific book to Jordan before bed.  If Mima is out of town on business and I pick that book up to read it to Jordan she tells me:  "NO MIMA DO THAT" which basically means:  do not even think about reading that book to me you stupid woman, that is Mima's job dumb ass!  The other day I said something to her and she promptly turned around and said, "NO AMY DO THAT" which meant I was not allowed to say this specific thing b/c Amy is the one who has always said this therefore nobody else is allowed to say it.

We are no longer listening to the "NAH NAH NAH" (Pink's 'SO WHAT') song in the car, thank God.  But we are now obsessed with this Sesame Street CD.  I have noticed lately when I go to the post office or the dry cleaners I find myself singing, "Oh these are the people in your neighborhood.....the people that you meet each day" which meant it was time for a change.  So now Jordan and I are taking turns w/our music.  We get in the car and she asks, "Jordan's song?" so I play a song off the CD and once that ends she asks, "Mommy's song?" so I flip to the radio and we listen to one song on the radio and once that song ends she asks, "Jordan's song?" and we're back to the CD.  I feel like a deejay driving a wagon.

For quite awhile, anytime we walked into a supermarket (be it Whole Foods or one of those 'other' places) Jordan would say, "MIMA'S WORK" which is very cute b/c she was putting it together.  But that has since changed.  Now I hear "MIMA'S WORK" every day as we drive past the BMW dealer b/c Mima has been having some tire issues and we seem to be either dropping Mima off there or picking Mima up there a lot.  So Mima now works for BMW and is currently offering some really good lease options for those of you who might be interested.

The Land of Jordan wishes everyone a Happy Passover and a Happy Easter.

A Few Random Things.......

It's been quite awhile since my last Land Of Jordan update which isn't such a bad thing b/c now I have lots to catch you all up on.

Where to start?  Let's see:

 - Jordan (and The Posse) just returned from their Dominican Republic trip.  Jordan has now been on 28 planes.  You would think after 28 flights this child would understand that you must wait for the plane to be in the air AND for the captain to give the okay for us to pull out the DVD player.  But that doesn't seem to be the case.  I have come to realize that Jordan now associates flying w/getting to watch endless amounts of videos and she doesn't seem to care that the captain has not given the 'it is now okay to use portable electronic devices' speech.  I think for Jordan's next flight I'm going to ask if she can ride up front w/the pilots.  Let them deal w/it.

 - Jordan started pre-school, or what I like to refer to as:  pre, pre, pre-school b/c I mean come on, she's 2.  Can we really say this is school?  What I can say is this:  it is 2 hours twice a week that I leave my daughter w/someone else and this amazing feeling of pre, pre, pre-child comes over me b/c I am what I like to refer to as:  FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!  Let's take today for instance.  I dropped Jordan off, well, she was actually pulled off my body b/c she was crying and clinging and not wanting to be left there b/c she told me:  "no school day mommy".  (I was told she stopped crying after 3 minutes and did great for the rest of the class)  Let's get back to me shall we?  So I decide to spend my 2 hours running a few errands.  I'm driving in the car w/the radio CRANKED and I'm singing at the top of my lungs and drumming the heck out of the steering wheel when I realize how much of a dork I am b/c this is all happening in a wagon!!!!  UGH!  There were a few times I found myself glancing in the rearview mirror at the empty car seat and having a slight moment of panic wondering why Jordan was not in it!

 - Speaking of listening to the radio in the car:  Jordan has now decided that the ONLY song we can EVER listen to in the car is a song by PINK called "SO WHAT".  It's a pretty cool song....that is until you've listened to it over and over and over and over again.  She calls it the "Nah Nah Nah song mommy" and God forbid I let another track from the CD play......."NO MOMMY - NAH NAH NAH SONG MOMMY!!!!!!!!"  Kinda funny and strange at the same time to hear our 2 year old singing, "So, so what?  I am a rock star.  I've got my rock moves, and I don't need you tonight.  And you're a tool so, so what?"  Jordan saying "you're a tool" is so funny b/c it makes me wonder, is she thinking this person is a hammer?  Or a screw driver?  Maybe a wrench?

 - Oh, I have to go back to the school thing for a minute.  So at the school they do not allow the moms to hang out in the hallways by the classrooms b/c they don't want the kids to see us.  Of course I totally get that knowing how if Jordan saw me out there she'd start crying again and demand they let her out of the room.  Today, a few us moms are hanging out in the 'cafe' doing what moms do best:  talk.  All of a sudden one of the moms lets out a gasp!  So I turn around and another mom turns around to see what's up and as we are looking thru the floor to ceiling glass window we see OUR kids walking in the hallway w/their teachers.  And this is where it gets so super funny:  within a split second, the other mom and I literally JUMP out of our chairs and DIVE behind not only the table but behind one of the other moms sitting there!!!!! And here were are on the floor of this 'cafe', crouched down, pretending that if we don't look up maybe, just maybe we could pass ourselves off as either chairs or tables or just random pieces of furniture.....?!!!!  Oh and the mom that we are hiding behind?  She's still in her chair but has taken the entire top 1/2 of her body and positioned it UNDER the table!!!!!!  Seriously, the more I think about the reaction we had the more I laugh at this.  We never spoke about an action plan if the kids came walking by, we just acted and acted exactly the same!!  

 - Christina and I continue to be amazed at how Jordan can flip her "paci" (pacifier) in her mouth w/out using her hands.  (no paci comments please, she will eventually be weened off this thing.  If you feel it necessary to make a paci comment we will come back at you w/what my Aunt Evie and my mom like to say:  "you've never seen anyone walk down the aisle w/a pacifier in their mouth have you?")  Anyway, I like to put it in her mouth upside down just to watch her spin it in her mouth until it's in the correct position.  Of course both Christina and I have tried to do this and have failed miserably.  I feel that by failing the paci spin move we are ruining our lesbian reputation!!!  And speaking of the paci, I am blown away by how that little thing can stop meltdowns in a matter of seconds.  Jordan can be screaming, crying, having a total fit about something - but the second that paci enters her mouth the world stands still!  She just stops.  Instantly.  Lately, as I watch and listen to Christina rant on about something, I find myself wondering if I take that little paci and just plop it in her mouth will she just stop? Instantly?  Oh man, I could be onto something here.

That's your Land Of Jordan update for now.  More to come soon!!!

Two's And The Terrible

I finally figured out why everyone calls it "the terrible two's"!  I know you think it's b/c your child has hit the age where they can make choices and decisions and somewhat verbalize what they are feeling or thinking, good or bad.  You could not be more WRONG!  It has absolutely NOTHING to do w/that.  The 'terrible two's' are about two specific things:  SPLIT PERSONALITIES!  As in TWO very different personalities.  And that's what makes it so terrible.

In this corner, weighing in at 20.44 pounds, we have:  Jo-Jo.  The fun loving, easy going, sweet talking little girl.

And in this corner we have, also weighing in at 20.44 pounds:  No-Jo.  The not so fun loving, not so easy going, not such a sweet talker little girl.

Jo-Jo is known for her hugs and giggles and kisses.

No-Jo is famous for her body slamming to the ground, legs kicking, screaming cries of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jo-Jo likes to sit down w/us at dinner and eat what we are eating.

No-Jo enjoys spitting out what we have served for dinner.

Jo-Jo likes to brush her teeth.

No-Jo finds brushing her teeth a waste of time and would much rather brush Nina's (our cat) teeth.

These are just a few of the differences we experience while spending time w/these two personalities.   Thank God they don't call it "The Threatening Three's" b/c I don't think we have any room for another personality!

Onto other things:  Jordan started school this week!!!!  This basically means she goes to class 2 days a week for 2 hours without her Mommy.  Of course Jordan was great for her first day (a shortened session, 45 minutes to break them in) and Mommy (that would be me) also did great.  I had expected to cry but did not cry and I have to say I felt total disappointment in NOT crying.  I was all worked up knowing I was going to be sobbing in the hallway but the sobs never came.  Could it be b/c the teachers pushed the parents out of the room so quickly that I didn't even have time to register what was happening?  Could it be b/c I peaked thru the little skinny window in the door and witnessed Jordan being totally cool playing inside the room?  Or was it that I  could not wait to get to the cafeteria and actually be able to sit and eat something from start to finish?  

And for Jordan's 2nd day of school (today) she decided to wake up w/a nasty cough and runny nose which means we are now 1-1 when it comes to school.  Looks like she's taking after me so far in the school department!

Speaking of the whole school thing - the amount of paperwork you are required to fill out is craziness.  So many questions, all of which I did my very best to be super honest about:

1 - IS YOUR CHILD POTTY TRAINED - are you kidding?  of course she's not potty trained.  who has time for that?  feel free to take this job off my hands and potty train her for me, much appreciated!

2 - DOES YOUR CHILD LISTEN TO COMMANDS WELL - ummm, she's 2, what do you think?

3 - DOES YOUR CHILD SHARE - sure she does, if there are no other kids around.

4 - WHAT DO YOU HOPE YOUR CHILD LEARNS FROM THIS CLASS - how to fold laundry, clean up toys, make the bed, set up the DVR, oh and to tell N0-Jo she is not welcome here anymore!

It's funny how you find yourself trying to teach your child so many things every single day.  Like colors or letters or shapes.  Only thing is, I think Jordan is testing me.  For real!  I'll have a red crayon in my hand and ask, "Jordan what color is this crayon?" and she'll answer, "blue" and I'll say, "Not blue, it's red" and her response is what makes me think she's testing me:  "right, red!"

Or I will ask her "what's Mommy's name?" and she'll answer, "mommy" so I say, "yes, but it's also Stacey" and she says, "right, Stacey!"  Sometimes I feel psyched as if I just got the question right!

Jordan no longer finds the word 'no' all that appealing.  She seems rather attatched to "nope" these days.  "Want some fruit?"  "Nope."  "Want to take a nap?"  "Nope."  It used to be when she would answer 'no' I would follow it up w/a:  "no thank you" in an effort to train her into good manners but I'm finding it hard to follow up the 'nope' w/a:  "nope thank you", just doesn't seem to flow as well.

That's all from THE LAND OF JORDAN for now.

"Where Moon Go Mommy?"

Jo-Jo seems to have entered into the I-will-ask-you-the-same-3-questions-over-and-over-all-day-every-single-day phase of her life.  The first question:  "Where moon go Mommy?" is asked of us whether it's dark outside or light outside.  If it's light outside she's given the response of:  "Jo-Jo, the moon is sleeping b/c the sun is out now, it's light outside."  To which she then gives her much shorter version of our answer:  "Moon night-night."  If it's dark outside when she poses the moon question to us we either run outside to see if we can find the moon or we run from window to window in our house searching for the moon.  9 times out of 10 we have no idea where the friggin moon is and that brings us back to:  "Where moon go Mommy?"

The next question is:  "Where animals go Mommy?"  This question arose b/c we started feeding the squirrels and birds every day.  Of course the friggin squirrels and birds eat so damn fast and then disappear leaving Jo-Jo to wonder outloud:  "Where animals go Mommy?"  So, if it's morning I use:  "The animals are still sleeping" line.  If it's mid-morning I use:  "The animals are resting b/c they are full" line.  If it's the afternoon I use:  "The animals are napping" line.  If it's dark outside I go with:  "The animals are all back in their houses sleeping" line.  These usually work for all of 3 seconds and just as I turn my back on Jordan thinking she's good w/my answer I'm hit with:  "Where animals go Mommy?"

The 3rd question started right after the holidays when people started taking down their outside decorations.  Our neighbor Vinny up the block had one of those blow up polar bears on his lawn for like a month.  And every night we'd drive by it and Jordan would get all excited and say, "Polar bear Mommy!!" and we'd wave to the polar bear.  Then one night the polar bear wasn't there.  You know that Law & Order music/sound, the "duh-duh" sound?  Well I swear that happend in my car.  I was all kinds of tense, just waiting for it to sink in for J0-Jo and then I get the, "Where polar bear go Mommy?"  So I told Jordan the polar bear is in Vinny's garage until next year and now every single day when I'm asked 4,012 times:  "Where polar bear go Mommy" I throw it back to Jordan with:  "Who's garage is the polar bear in?"  And she says, "Vinny's garage" with a very cute smile.

Today Jordan woke up and the very first thing she said when I walked into her room was, "Where animals go Mommy?"  My God!  Are they like little robots?  Turn them back on in the morning and they start off right where they left off?  

We spend major amounts of time on these 3 questions.  I am asked all 3 of these questions at least 100 times while driving.  Thank God for buses and trucks and flags and signs b/c they create a diversion every once in awhile. 

Jordan has been spending a lot of time drawing/coloring/painting at the very cool art table she got from 'her man' Jake (and Jake's mommy Gina).  I felt compelled to supply her w/every art pencil/crayon/marker/paint out there.  No surprise that I'd purchase the washable markers.  So the other day Jordan wanted to use her markers.  Mima was sitting on the couch working on her laptop (translation:  lost in space) and I was busy doing either laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc.  So I say to Mima, "Can you please watch Jordan w/those markers?  Don't let her write on anything but the paper, okay?"  10 minutes later I'm walking back into the room where they both are, wondering why it's so quiet in there.  I see Mima sitting in the exact same position I left her in.  And then I see Jordan.  Jordan who has decided to save the planet and not use the paper given to her for drawing purposes.  And why should she when she is totally enjoying the feeling of coloring BOTH sides of BOTH hands with each and every marker?!!!!!!!!!!!  Her hands looked like a confetti explosion.  And what is Mima's excuse for not stopping the confetti explosion?  "What?  You said the markers are washable?"  Um, yeah, if you get like a little bit on your hands.  NOT WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE JORDAN'S SKIN!   I have to ask: are there still people out there wondering if I'm ever going to have another child?  I mean really!  Come on.

Jordan and I went to the mall the other day.  While I was waiting to return something Jo-Jo decided she wanted no part of being in the stroller.  So I took her out to let her wander around me.  Now I know there a bunch of you out there who have the kids who take off and run, never looking back.  That has never been Jordan.  She usually wanders a tiny bit away from me, always keeping eye contact and then immediately comes back.  Someone must have told Jordan how exciting it is to just run and run and not look back b/c that is exactly what she decided to do.  Of course I'm totally blown away by this as I'm sprinting thru the store chasing my child down.  At some point this chase becomes incredibly funny to Jordan who now thinks giggling will turn this into a fun sport w/Mommy.  That is until Mommy tackles her child.  Jordan proceeded to have a MEGA meltdown.  Keep in mind this is all new for both of us.  So I'm standing there taking in all this crying, screaming, fit throwing, body strewn across the floor scene.  Not really knowing what to do I look up at all the people in the store who naturally are looking at me and I yell VERY loudly, "WHO'S KID IS THIS?  DOES THIS KID BELONG TO ANYBODY HERE?"  Of course I thought it was funny.  The people in the store were so confused and so freaked b/c they were sure the kid was mine!!!!

Once I gather up Jordan in my arms and bring her back to the register I sit her down on the counter and begin to have one of those very serious Mommy talks w/her.  You know how it goes:  You get that very serious look in your eyes.  Your voice is low and steady.  You are filled w/concern yet determined to get the message across.  And then you realize you're talking to a 2 year old who is now mesmerized by the electronic signature pen used when you swipe your credit card.

That's all for now from THE LAND OF JORDAN.  Hope everyone is enjoying the start of 2009.

Question:  Where moon go?