Life According To A 3 Year Old......

The Land of Jordan celebrated turning 3 recently! In fact, we are still celebrating. For all of you out there who share a December birthday.....holy month of presents! And look out if you come from a family who shares Hannukah & Xmas! Present overload!!!! And as if that's not enough, Jordan can't seem to wrap her head around why folks have taken down their Xmas lights when there's still snow on the ground: "but Mom, it's still Xmas cause that's why there's snow on the ground"....

We had our first (and hopefully last) visit to the ER in the month of December. To make a long story somewhat short, Jordan had a high fever and Mommy freaked cause Jordan was shaking uncontrollably and Mima was 2 hours away, so a 911 call took place and many uniformed individuals showed up at our house. We were driven to the hospital in an ambulance and the uniformed guy riding in the back w/us told the driver there was no need for the sirens/lights...that is until I insisted there was a major need for sirens/lights cause how often do I get to ride in an ambulance and blow past traffic? I mean come on, really? Give up a chance for sirens/lights? So we got the full on ambulance experience! (had Jordan not been lying on top of me during the ride I might have asked if I could drive the ambulance!!)

I am beginning to realize that Jordan is paying close attention to what is being said even when I think she's not paying attention. Case and point: Jo-Jo and I went to order Chinese food. We always share sweet & sour chicken together. I take one of those menus w/9,012 different Chinese items to choose from, grab a golf pencil being held in place by a plastic container filled w/rice, circle my sweet & sour chicken and we patiently wait for our food. Woman calls out my order when it's ready, "SWEET & SOUR PORK!" I go up to the counter (Jordan is off to the side playing w/something) and I explain quietly there's no way I ordered pork, I don't even really like pork. And then she shows me my menu where I circled sweet & sour pork.........UGH! So rather than wait for the correct food item to be prepared I decide I can pull this one off on Jordan. I pay for my pork (yuck) and we leave. As we're heading for the car little miss big ears says, "Mom, is that pork?" And in my head I'm going, "Are you kidding me? She heard all that? What the heck?" So I tell her it's chicken and it's gonna be so good when we get home. Well little miss big ears proceeds to GRILL ME the ENTIRE way home about what's in the bag!! "Mom, is it really chicken? I don't like pork. Is it pork? Did that lady say pork? Mom, is it really chicken? What's that smell Mom? It smells different." Now I'm freaking out internally cause she's just about past the hunger feed time window and I'm reaching my hunger feed time window and if this pork can't pass as chicken I'm screwed! So we get home, I talk up the 'chicken' and how it's gonna be so good and so much fun eating it together (mind you it smells TOTALLY different than when we get the chicken) and I plate the whole thing w/rice and she skeptically takes a fork full....sweat is dripping down my face......my mind is racing as to what the heck I'm gonna make for her if this doesn't go over well.....and then she says, "Yummy Mommy!! This is the best chicken I ever ate!!!" SCORE!!!!!!!!

Took Jordan (and her 2 cousins) ice skating a few weeks ago. I was so excited to do this w/her!! What a lame brain idea that was. Sounds great in theory...that is if you're child actually doesn't mind wearing 17 layers of clothing and being placed in a shoe w/a razor blade on the bottom. But I managed to get her out on the ice and of course she loved that part of it b/c what could be so bad about being held up by your arms by your Mom while she pushes you around and you're just hanging out as if you're in a parade and everyone is there to watch you? Twice around and I honestly thought I would never stand up straight again, my back was killing me!!!! Of course twice around was enough for Jo-Jo who then wanted off the ice immediately and out of the razor blade shoes only to venture out in search of "schnacks"....(snacks). The folks who built the ice rink: brilliant, gifted people. Why you ask? Because who else thinks to put an arcade/ski ball/air hockey room in an ice rink facility? Genius! So after paying nearly $60 to get us all in, spending MAYBE 30 minutes on the ice, paying another $25 for lunch.....I then find myself buying friggin tokens for the kids to play ski ball! Jordan will not be ice skating any time in the near future!

A few funny moments in The Land of Jordan:

- We had the baby sitter here Saturday for Jo-Jo b/c we were going out. Jordan asked, "Where are you going Mommy?" so I told her we're going to cousin Nancy's house and Jordan then asked, "Are you going to have a play date there?"

- Had the TV on the other day, women's basketball game was on, Jordan and I are working on a puzzle and a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial comes on which IMMEDIATELY catches Jordan's attention. The commercial ends w/a picture of a Reece's PB cup and Jordan says, "WOW WOW WOW WOW Mommy, that looks totally yummy!"

- Jordan informed me the other day that when she gets bigger and goes to the bigger kids school that I can go there too b/c I'll be bigger too, but, there won't be any treadmills there. (basically this means Jordan thinks all stay-at-home moms spend all their time on treadmills while the kids are in school)

- We seem to have a bit of curiousness about Heaven. It first started w/me talking about my cat Marco who died way before Jordan was born. She likes to hear all about Marco and wants to know "why Marco died out". And now we're discussing Heaven b/c my Dad died. So Jordan says, "Mom, Poppi and Marco are in the clouds?" and I tell her they are up there in the clouds in Heaven and she says, "Are they on an airplane?"

A few Mommy observations:

- You know you're spending too much time at one particular place when you're child yells out from the back seat of the car: "There's Target!"

- You know you're so super screwed when the usual bribe of "there will be no Olivia (her favorite show) if you don't....." is met w/your 3 year old not being phased in the least by the bribe! This has happened at least 4 times so far and each time I'm stumped, freaked, clueless and dumbfounded! She outsmarted me! She doesn't care if she misses Olivia!

- You know your child has a future w/the transportation authority when you are asked every single day in the car, "How you get down there Mommy?" and Mommy goes into the "you have to take the exit ramp" discussion.

- You know you're a total geek and total Mom when you realize you're rockin out in the car w/your child to Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies" performed by Alvin & The Chipmunks!

That would be all for now from The Land of Jordan. Stay tuned for Jordan's next update when she returns from her trip to Mexico! (Jordan decided she did not have to clear it w/her 2 mommies before inviting her teacher Linda to Mexico w/us. Oh and that same teacher got an invite via Jo-Jo to come over and play Disney Bingo at our house!)

Stay warm....stay safe!

Santa Is Still Scary When You Are 3.

I know the Santa picture looks as if Jordan is enjoying herself but trust me, that smile happened once during a long meltdown period and there is a story behind that.........but first let me say hello and welcome back to The Land of Jordan! Today Jordan turned 3!!! Incredibly hard for me to wrap my head around 3 years zipping by. I love how folks would say to you before you gave birth, "Don't you worry, you won't remember much of the actual birth as time goes on..." Did these people become addicted to crack and that's why they don't remember? Because I remember every single detail of every single second before, during and after Jordan was born. Hence living by the "ONE AND DONE" motto!

But this isn't about me is it? It's about Jordan and the amazing 3 year old she has become.

It's about how Jordan answers "sure" when asked a yes or no question.

Or it's about how Jordan answers "sure not" when asked a yes or no question. "Sure not." How funny is that?

It's about how we try to crack each other up and how one day I must have really cracked her up because after she was done laughing she said, "good one Mom!" Now THAT was funny!

It's about "Mom, when I get older" and then she goes on and on about how she's going to draw a bigger picture b/c when you are older you can do that.

It's about "Mom, when YOU get older" and then she goes on and on about how I can go to her school and be in her classroom when I get older.

It's all about the fear she and all her little friends have of: 'THE MAN'....... "The man said you're not allowed to take the clothes off the mannequins!!" Or "The man said you have to stay in your seats!" Or "The man said the mall is closing even though it's only 11am and sunny outside.......the man said!" The ultimate power this 'MAN' has........

Oh and it's also about her, "I just have an idea" moments! Those are hilarious! "I just have an idea Mom. You hide right here. And I go and count. And I find you and you don't say BOO cause I just have an idea I will get scared."

It's also about when I ask her to read a book to me! One time she started 'reading' a book to me and she got to what I imagine was 'the good part' and instead of just telling me what happens next she says, "Mom...wait for it......wait for it......." and then proceeds to tell me! Now THAT was super funny!!!

It's also about how she is expanding her vocabulary to include words I overuse. When asked how her ice cream is she replies, "Totally yummy Mom."

Those are just a few of the awesome (another word I overuse often) things Jordan is doing lately. But let's move on, let's get to the Santa story. Why must there be a story w/Santa? Why can't it just be we had a picture taken w/Santa and all is good? Nope, no such luck.

Yes, I will readily admit I bribed my child to get her picture taken w/Santa. Listen, I knew way ahead of time that the big dude in the red suit was going to be just as scary this year as he was last year. So what's a Jewish mother to do? Bribe! Clearly guilting her into it was not going to work.

Here I am thinking I am so going to win this one! I am way smarter than a 3 year old. There is no way she's going to give me a hard time about this Santa guy. Afterall, we spent nearly 45 minutes beforehand talking about it. The deal was this: she could pick out candy from the candy kiosk and eat some before the Santa picture. And right after the Santa picture she could continue her candy eating b/c she will have done such a great job w/the Santa picture.

So, here we go: candy has been purchased. Jelly beans happened to be the candy of choice. Jelly beans were being consumed as we waited in the Santa picture taking line, all the while still going over and over our 'plan' of attack: go up, don't sit on his lap cause you don't want to, stand next to him, offer him a jelly bean, smile for the picture, and off we go for more cavity eating crap! All good. I am feeling confident, even if the 3 kids who were in front of us screamed their heads off as they were handed to the big dude in the red suit, I was still holding onto our 'plan'!

And we are up! Jelly beans for Santa are in the palm of my hand. Jordan turns the corner and sees Santa. THE CHILD LOSSES HER MIND!!!!!!!!! She crawled up my body and is now screaming crying in my arms, jelly beans are melting in my hand, I'm holding her jacket/the bag of jelly beans/and holding Jordan and now I'm sweating as if I just came out of a sauna! So I plead, I beg, I attempt to place her on Santa's bench, I attempt to place her standing next to Santa. It's as if Jordan dipped her hands in Super Glue and can not remove herself from my body. So now I sit next to Santa w/Jordan clinging to me and not facing the camera. Somehow I am able to distract Jordan w/the melting jelly beans in the palm of my hand that we have for Santa. As I'm distracting her I'm placing her on his lap and backing away from them, all the while I am screaming at the picture taking dude to just snap and don't stop snapping no matter what! And I'm still backing up and Jordan is flipping out crying and Mommy is still backing away.........and here's 'the good part' of the story.....but as Jordan likes to say: "wait for it, wait for it.........."

Mommy backed up into the lighting equipment! Mommy tripped. Mommy dumped jelly beans. Mommy caught lighting equipment as it was nearly crashing down. And what did Jordan do? LAUGHED AND SMILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the camera dude who was so rudely instructed by me to keep snapping and don't stop actually caught the one moment where Jordan smiled!

Note to self: next year forget the candy, just wipe out the Santa set up!

Hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving and hope you all have a fantastic rest of the holiday season!!!

The Land of Men?????

We here who live in The Land of Jordan would like to send out a quick update to all of you. The Land of Jordan has shifted a bit. The child who lives w/two mommies & spends majority of her time surrounded by a posse of lesbian women, well this child is now experiencing her first real 'MAN CRUSH'........OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

Enter "Mr. Tim", Jo-Jo's gymnastics teacher. Mr. Tim seems to rock Jordan's world! Mr. Tim is quite aware of the 'man power' he has over our little Jo-Jo. Mr. Tim speaks, she listens. Mr. Tim moves to another area of the room, she follows. Mr. Tim gives a command and the child who is famous for pretending she never hears MY commands suddenly grows gigantic listening ears which only allow Mr. Tim's voice to penetrate thru them, and the command is followed.

It's the oddest thing to sit back and watch your nearly 3 year old child be crushed out on someone. Jordan gets these big loving eyes when she's around him. She smiles uncontrollably. She is constantly making sure he's watching her and she totally wants his approval for her attempts at the forward roll!

Granted Mr. Tim is quite cute but he's no Penelope Cruz!

.....It appears, for now, our daughter is taking the 'straight' road. I think I'm okay w/it. I'm going to seek out a support group for lesbian moms w/straight kids so when the time comes for Jordan to confide in us that she is in fact straight.......we will know the right things to say to her. (kidding)

Do you think it's more intimidating for a teenage boy to come to the home of the girl he's interested in where a mom and dad reside or 2 moms and a posse answer the door? I think I'm onto something here....I feel a reality show in the making happening right now in my head! Stay tuned!!!!

On a completely different note: Jordan would like to know why there is a bug on her cousin's belly and why the bug is making her cousin feel sick. (Christianna has a 'stomach bug' today and is home sick). Try explaining that one to a nearly 3 year old!

That's all from the Land of Jordan for now.......

A Day In The Life of Jo-Jo

Anybody up for a little trip? Let's climb aboard and visit The Land of Jordan. This journey will give you complete access to the daily conversations I have w/Jordan. Shall we begin? A play-by-play of our day?

Mornings:

- 1st question upon waking: "Where Chase?" "Chasey sleeping too?" And no matter what my answer might be to these questions she always follows it up w/the ever-so-annoying "Why?"

- 2nd question: "You want to play w/me Mommy?" I mean that's just a silly question seeing how I'm always looking for someone to play w/me!!! What a perfect pair we make! I'm currently teaching Jordan how to return my ping pong serve!!!

- 3rd question: "Where we going?" Which I guess is to be expected seeing how I never ever stay home and we are always out and about doing something someplace somewhere.

Next we move onto discussing the animals of the world:

- 4th question: "Mommy, did you see that 'chipmonkey'?

- new observation: "Mommy, look at the 'chipmonkey', he left 'foot-A-prints'! It's as if I'm having a conversation w/a tiny Italian woman, "foot-A-prints".....very funny!!!

Now we enter the silly phase of the day:

- while staring at a picture of Hannah Montana, Jordan sneezes and says, "Mommy! I bless you'd on Hannah 'Nantana'...!"

- "I OKAY MOMMY" comes from a room nowhere near where I am in the house after a tremendous 'THUD' was heard.

- upon discovering something new: "What that all about Mommy?"

- after attempting to lasso Nina the cat w/the hula hoop: "Nina not very nice."

- realizing I have said something Jordan totally does not understand: "What you say Mommy?" which is the new version of "WHY" cause now I find myself explaining what I originally said in a totally different way only to be followed up w/the: "What you say now Mommy?"........

The car continues to be a fun and interesting place:

- we are constantly playing "I SPY" together, however Jordan's version of this is: "I spy MY little eye......"and then she chooses something so silly cute for me to find in the world. And God forbid I go out of turn...."No Mommy, it's my turn now."

- demanding to have and hold the navigation system b/c, well, she said to me: "I have to check my e-mail Mommy" and once she was finished checking her 'e-mail' she handed it back to me and insisted I check my e-mail too.

Nosey body:

- "Who that?" after I get off the phone.

New favorite food:

- coffee ice cream seems to be the new favorite ice cream flavor! And look out if she eats too much too fast........."Ouch Mommy.....'BURN FREEZE'........." (for brain freeze in case you didn't speak Jo-Jo)

- "I want that" as she's scoffing down my caesar salad.

Becoming incredibly aware of her sense of smell:

- "What that stinky smell?" when she passes gas!! How does she think we feel???

Those are just a few of the funny and interesting things we hear on a daily basis. The conversations are endless. From the minute she wakes up until she is passing out in her crib at night, Jordan talks non-stop!!! She even continues talking once we put her down for the night and sometimes those are the funniest things to hear thru the monitor.

One particular night we had gone to dinner w/Chase and the two of them wound up fighting about something. They are both so stubborn. She antagonized him and he pushed her. Long story short: she cried and he was told to apologize to her. Of course they were best buds w/in 3 seconds after the fight. But that night when she went to bed I heard her over the monitor: "Chase, it's not nice to hit. We don't hit Chase. Say you're sorry." and then she'd pretend to be Chase and I'd hear, "SORRY" in this silly voice. And she had this same conversation for nearly 30 minutes, "Chase, it's not nice to hit. We don't hit Chase. Say you're sorry."......"SORRY".......

Hope you enjoyed your journey today.

The Land of Jordan would like to thank everyone who donated and helped me reach my fund raising goal for The Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. The 39.2 mile walk is in 10 days.......I hope to make each of you super proud of me. But mostly I hope to be a part of stopping this horrific disease.

Until next time..............enjoy the change of season!!!

"Why Mommy?"

Welcome back to The Land of Jordan. Currently we are going by a whole new name: The Land of 'Why Mommy'?

Everything discussed in this land is immediately followed up w/one question: "Why Mommy?" And if we are really in a hurry we just get the "Why?" "Why?" "Why?"

It's so interesting to hear yourself answering the 'why' questions. Of course you know as you're nearing the end of your discussions w/your child you will be met w/the 'why' question so you attempt to prepare a 'why' answer even before you have finished the discussion. "Why Mommy?" And Mommy goes into some really rational detailed explanation as to why we call them seagulls and not eagles. "Why Mommy?" So Mommy tries a different angle explaining in more simple terms why there is not a baby in Chase's belly. "Why Mommy?" And Mommy feels her patience slipping away as she's attempting to quickly explain why we don't eat pine cones. "Why Mommy?" Now Mommy has been pushed over the 'why' cliff and realizes there is no rational, simple answer to any or all of these questions, nor will the 'why' questions ever go away until you freak out on your child and you hear yourself screaming EXACTLY what your parents screamed at you: "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" For some odd, strange, yet to be explained reason, the 'because I said so' answer seems to halt the 'why' questions. And all is good in the world until the next discussion starts which usually happens 30 seconds after your freak out moment.

Here's a list of a few things happening in Jordan's life:

- Jordan had camp for the first time this summer. Camp is really pre-school in a bathing suit.

- We have managed to get rid of the car paci! We accompanied Jo-Jo to the garbage can as she was encouraged to toss the ripped paci out.

- If you see a child hugging a tree in a neighborhood near you it's probably Jordan. Yep, she's a tree hugger. She can not pass up a tree w/out wrapping her body around it. What is that all about?

- If you happen to be at the Montville Park and smell something not so great, no worries. It's Jordan's diaper full of poop! This child poops every single time we go to that park. For real, not kidding, every single time we are there she poops. It's the 'Poop Park'. And I'm convinced the ice cream man waits for Jordan to poop, watches me take her to the back of our car, remove her shorts, begin the process of de-pooping and only then does he turns on that ice cream music which must be laced w/acid or some mind tripping drug b/c every kid is now losing their mind (including mine who has yet to get a new diaper on and is trying to get out of the car w/out clothes on) as he's pulling up to the curb.

- Have you ever noticed what happens to a group of 2 year olds when one of the moms opens a snack for their child? They become seagulls! It's as if they have supersonic listening skills and they hear the 'rip' of a Cheese-It bag from miles away and they all come running and start circling the mom who opened the snack. Of course it's even funnier when you give one kid a bag of snacks and all the other kids are circling the kid w/the snacks. The snack kid can't hand the snacks out fast enough to the 'seagulls' and by the time the snack kid does get to hand the snacks out the 'seagulls' are ready for more which means the snack kid never actually gets to eat any of the snacks b/c the snack kid is too busy being polite knowing that if the snack kid is not polite and does not share, the bag will be immediately ripped from the snack kid's hands by some polite policing mom!

- I had my first dance lesson from Jordan. We were rockin out in the kitchen just being silly and dancing to some booty shaking song when Jordan turns to me and says, "No Mommy. You got to put your knees together like this." So I put my knees together and ask, "Like this Jo-Jo?" And she says, "Yeah Mommy, now shake your booty" as she's doing her best booty shakin move so I join in and give it my best booty shakin move and I hear, "Oh good job Mommy!!!"

- Malu and I witnessed Jordan & Chase french kissing a few weeks ago. Needless to say we were a bit speechless and freaked out. Of course in a perfect world our reaction would have been a calm, "Okay you two, we don't do that, please stop" or something along those lines. But in our world, the reality world, our reaction was total silence at first and then, "OH MY GOD!" "WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?" "STOP DOING THAT!!!!!" And you know what happened next right? "Why Mommy?"

- Jordan told me and Mima the other day, "The moon has 2 mommies." How cute is that?

- Jordan is convinced she has a little sister. Her name is Nina. So now our cat has become the little sister.

- We were driving somewhere a few days ago and Jordan asked me if she could have something to which I replied no (for whatever reason) so she started to ask Mima the same question and I said, "Jo-Jo I already told you can't have that" and then Jordan said to me, "I talking to Mima Mommy......." which really meant, "Don't care what you said Mommy b/c I have a work around plan for this."

- Finally had Jo-Jo officially weighed at the pediatrician's office. Our little girl is 22.8 pounds. Lauren, the mom of Jo-Jo's friend likes to describe Jordan as "air" or "like you're lifting a piece of popcorn" which I think is super funny and quite true.

- "I do myself" seems to be heard quite a bit in our house. I'm hoping tomorrow night when it's bath time Jordan gives me the "I do myself" line.

- Mommy jumped out of a plane a few weeks ago (sky diving w/Goobie & Jenn) and Jordan can't seem to figure out why I would jump out of a small plane and not a big plane...? This is one of the 'why' conversations we have nearly everyday. She also wants to know, "Mommy? You got a boo-boo when you jump out of plane?" and doesn't seem satisfied that I did not get a boo-boo from the jump. "Why Mommy? Why did you not get boo-boo?" I think she wants me to have a boo-boo.......

Wrapping it up from The Land of Jordan. Enjoy the rest of your summer!