The Land of Bossy

Christina once gave me a book titled "How to Outwit Squirrels" which I read from cover to cover b/c I was determined to stop the squirrels from getting into our bird feeders.  In the end, I was the one who was outwitted and the squirrels won.  I find myself once again being outwitted but this time it's by Jordan and I can't for the life of me find the "How to Outwit Your Two Year Old" book!!!

Jordan seems to have graduated with honors from the 'Torture Your Mother' school.  My Mom told me Jordan is a little mini version of me which was not so great to hear b/c I put my parents thru hell!

This sweet little quiet child has turned into a demanding bossy impatient loud mouth!!  And she knows when she has pushed my buttons and when I'm at the point of losing my mind.  How does she know this you ask?  This daughter of mine will give you the most FAKE smile she can muster up right at the moment you are about to flip your lid and it's hilarious!  I try very, very hard not to laugh but there are times when it just catches me off guard and I bust out laughing b/c she has totally played me and I am totally defeated and SHE IS TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Just this week she has decided to add a fake hug into the mix along w/the fake smile.  Where does she come up w/this stuff?

And b/c of this new area of the 2's that we are currently visiting I have been forced to take on a few part time jobs.  For example:

 - SHORT ORDER COOK:  "I want 'sumpin' else" when the meal option is just not that appealing any longer.

 - JULIE, CRUISE SHIP DIRECTOR:  "Where we going" is the question each and every morning, which basically means "How are you going to entertain me today?"

 - ADMIN. ASSISTANT:  "I want to call Bubby & Pop-Pop.  Mommy, you call Bubby?"

 - DJ:  "I no like this song Mommy.  I want new song."

 - WENCH:  "Mommy you follow me!"

 - EVENT PLANNER:  "Mommy we have tea party now?"

Jordan's new thing is "I help you Mommy."  No matter what it is I am doing I get the "I help you Mommy."  So this week have had help making the coffee(I think we put 1/2 the bag into one pot), sweeping the floors(of course the wet Cheerios got mushed into the floors as the sweeping was happening), loading the laundry into the machines(I had to convince Jordan that Nina the cat was really not interested in going into the washer machine), dragging the garbage cans back down the driveway after garbage day but this was quickly followed up with:  "Too heavy Mommy.  That too heavy.  You do."  Funny thing is, when I let Jordan know it's time to put her toys away she decides helping just isn't all that interesting.  So she is selectively helping me.  Once again, played by the two year old!

Onto other things...........................

I took Jordan to her first ever movie!!!!!!  We went to go see Disney's "EARTH" and what a cool time we had.  Of course her boyfriend Chase was there too.  It was like Jordan and Chase were on their first date but their mommies were there w/them.  I'm not sure what was more exciting to them:  the movie or the bag of popcorn they devoured.  But what was really funny was this:  I sit Jordan in her own seat and b/c she weighs next to nothing the seat just snapped back up so all you could see was her head and her feet b/c she was sandwiched in that seat!!!  I had to sit w/my hand on her chair for the entire time we were there.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms out there!  Hope you enjoy your day.  

Conversations (and tantrums) With Jordan

Hello from The Land of Jordan!  A land where one single child can test and break your sanity before you even have a chance to realize you're losing your mind.  That same single child can then reel you back in w/her kisses and hugs and make you second guess your sanity break.

Jordan has become quite the vocal entertainer lately.  I spend much of my day having conversations w/Jordan which I just realized today are pretty much conversations of me repeating CORRECTLY what she was trying to say.  

For example, Jordan's new thing is to run into the room shouting, "HERE MY AM!!!"  Which really means, "here I am".

And then we have the new fascination w/airplanes.  It took 30 flights but she's finally interested in the whole airplane/airport experience.  Every single day she says to me, "Mommy, airport day?"  Which is always followed up with:  "I ON PLANE MORROW!!"  Meaning, "I'm going on a plane tomorrow".  Once she realizes we are not going on a plane and we are certainly not going anywhere near the airport she decides:  "BUBBY POP-POP PLANE MORROW!!"  I love how Bubby AND Pop-Pop are not two separate people but just one person:  Bubby Pop-Pop.

We also have another new topic we seem to discuss on a daily basis:  "I ON CATION WITH JAKEY?"  This is always posed as a question.  So I have to tell Jordan that yes, she will go on vacation w/Jakey again but just not today.  And this leads us into the pool discussion.  She then wants to know:  "I POOL DAY?"  To which I seem to always be letting my child down by replying:  "No honey, today is not a pool day b/c we seem to be living in Alaska now and the weather is just never warm enough for a pool day, can I interest you in some ice fishing?"

I like how my two year old tries to use some type of psychology on me when she doesn't want to do something, like, go to school:  "NO SCHOOL DAY MOMMY" as if I just might buy into that and say, "Oh okay, you're right Jordan, there's no school today."

Oh and we also have the "NO HOME" and 2 seconds later the "YES HOME"  tantrum on most days.  This usually happens when she's wicked tired and just can't get it together.  And this is the one 'conversation' that puts me over the edge.  She'll say, "no home" so I follow it up with, "okay no home" and then she'll flip out and scream, "YES HOME" so I'll try and calm her and I say, "okay yes home" and then she loses her mind screaming, "NOOOOOO HOOOOME" and now I'm losing my mind and the two of us look like idiots b/c she's screaming and I'm attempting to tell her that she's confusing the &*@% out of me.  UGH!  This scene always ends w/me tossing my child (kidding) into the car seat and instantly stopping the meltdown by sticking the paci into her mouth.  And suddenly the world is silent and I'm left sweating.

When Jordan notices something new she now says, "HEY WHAT THAT?"  She seemed to be interested in the cell phone towers for about a week, "hey what that" and then we moved onto people in wheelchairs "hey what that" and this week our interests are ambulances or police cars or anything w/lights and sirens "hey what that?".

Jordan doesn't like you to do things that someone else has been doing for her.  Like each night Mima reads this one specific book to Jordan before bed.  If Mima is out of town on business and I pick that book up to read it to Jordan she tells me:  "NO MIMA DO THAT" which basically means:  do not even think about reading that book to me you stupid woman, that is Mima's job dumb ass!  The other day I said something to her and she promptly turned around and said, "NO AMY DO THAT" which meant I was not allowed to say this specific thing b/c Amy is the one who has always said this therefore nobody else is allowed to say it.

We are no longer listening to the "NAH NAH NAH" (Pink's 'SO WHAT') song in the car, thank God.  But we are now obsessed with this Sesame Street CD.  I have noticed lately when I go to the post office or the dry cleaners I find myself singing, "Oh these are the people in your neighborhood.....the people that you meet each day" which meant it was time for a change.  So now Jordan and I are taking turns w/our music.  We get in the car and she asks, "Jordan's song?" so I play a song off the CD and once that ends she asks, "Mommy's song?" so I flip to the radio and we listen to one song on the radio and once that song ends she asks, "Jordan's song?" and we're back to the CD.  I feel like a deejay driving a wagon.

For quite awhile, anytime we walked into a supermarket (be it Whole Foods or one of those 'other' places) Jordan would say, "MIMA'S WORK" which is very cute b/c she was putting it together.  But that has since changed.  Now I hear "MIMA'S WORK" every day as we drive past the BMW dealer b/c Mima has been having some tire issues and we seem to be either dropping Mima off there or picking Mima up there a lot.  So Mima now works for BMW and is currently offering some really good lease options for those of you who might be interested.

The Land of Jordan wishes everyone a Happy Passover and a Happy Easter.

A Few Random Things.......

It's been quite awhile since my last Land Of Jordan update which isn't such a bad thing b/c now I have lots to catch you all up on.

Where to start?  Let's see:

 - Jordan (and The Posse) just returned from their Dominican Republic trip.  Jordan has now been on 28 planes.  You would think after 28 flights this child would understand that you must wait for the plane to be in the air AND for the captain to give the okay for us to pull out the DVD player.  But that doesn't seem to be the case.  I have come to realize that Jordan now associates flying w/getting to watch endless amounts of videos and she doesn't seem to care that the captain has not given the 'it is now okay to use portable electronic devices' speech.  I think for Jordan's next flight I'm going to ask if she can ride up front w/the pilots.  Let them deal w/it.

 - Jordan started pre-school, or what I like to refer to as:  pre, pre, pre-school b/c I mean come on, she's 2.  Can we really say this is school?  What I can say is this:  it is 2 hours twice a week that I leave my daughter w/someone else and this amazing feeling of pre, pre, pre-child comes over me b/c I am what I like to refer to as:  FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!  Let's take today for instance.  I dropped Jordan off, well, she was actually pulled off my body b/c she was crying and clinging and not wanting to be left there b/c she told me:  "no school day mommy".  (I was told she stopped crying after 3 minutes and did great for the rest of the class)  Let's get back to me shall we?  So I decide to spend my 2 hours running a few errands.  I'm driving in the car w/the radio CRANKED and I'm singing at the top of my lungs and drumming the heck out of the steering wheel when I realize how much of a dork I am b/c this is all happening in a wagon!!!!  UGH!  There were a few times I found myself glancing in the rearview mirror at the empty car seat and having a slight moment of panic wondering why Jordan was not in it!

 - Speaking of listening to the radio in the car:  Jordan has now decided that the ONLY song we can EVER listen to in the car is a song by PINK called "SO WHAT".  It's a pretty cool song....that is until you've listened to it over and over and over and over again.  She calls it the "Nah Nah Nah song mommy" and God forbid I let another track from the CD play......."NO MOMMY - NAH NAH NAH SONG MOMMY!!!!!!!!"  Kinda funny and strange at the same time to hear our 2 year old singing, "So, so what?  I am a rock star.  I've got my rock moves, and I don't need you tonight.  And you're a tool so, so what?"  Jordan saying "you're a tool" is so funny b/c it makes me wonder, is she thinking this person is a hammer?  Or a screw driver?  Maybe a wrench?

 - Oh, I have to go back to the school thing for a minute.  So at the school they do not allow the moms to hang out in the hallways by the classrooms b/c they don't want the kids to see us.  Of course I totally get that knowing how if Jordan saw me out there she'd start crying again and demand they let her out of the room.  Today, a few us moms are hanging out in the 'cafe' doing what moms do best:  talk.  All of a sudden one of the moms lets out a gasp!  So I turn around and another mom turns around to see what's up and as we are looking thru the floor to ceiling glass window we see OUR kids walking in the hallway w/their teachers.  And this is where it gets so super funny:  within a split second, the other mom and I literally JUMP out of our chairs and DIVE behind not only the table but behind one of the other moms sitting there!!!!! And here were are on the floor of this 'cafe', crouched down, pretending that if we don't look up maybe, just maybe we could pass ourselves off as either chairs or tables or just random pieces of furniture.....?!!!!  Oh and the mom that we are hiding behind?  She's still in her chair but has taken the entire top 1/2 of her body and positioned it UNDER the table!!!!!!  Seriously, the more I think about the reaction we had the more I laugh at this.  We never spoke about an action plan if the kids came walking by, we just acted and acted exactly the same!!  

 - Christina and I continue to be amazed at how Jordan can flip her "paci" (pacifier) in her mouth w/out using her hands.  (no paci comments please, she will eventually be weened off this thing.  If you feel it necessary to make a paci comment we will come back at you w/what my Aunt Evie and my mom like to say:  "you've never seen anyone walk down the aisle w/a pacifier in their mouth have you?")  Anyway, I like to put it in her mouth upside down just to watch her spin it in her mouth until it's in the correct position.  Of course both Christina and I have tried to do this and have failed miserably.  I feel that by failing the paci spin move we are ruining our lesbian reputation!!!  And speaking of the paci, I am blown away by how that little thing can stop meltdowns in a matter of seconds.  Jordan can be screaming, crying, having a total fit about something - but the second that paci enters her mouth the world stands still!  She just stops.  Instantly.  Lately, as I watch and listen to Christina rant on about something, I find myself wondering if I take that little paci and just plop it in her mouth will she just stop? Instantly?  Oh man, I could be onto something here.

That's your Land Of Jordan update for now.  More to come soon!!!

Two's And The Terrible

I finally figured out why everyone calls it "the terrible two's"!  I know you think it's b/c your child has hit the age where they can make choices and decisions and somewhat verbalize what they are feeling or thinking, good or bad.  You could not be more WRONG!  It has absolutely NOTHING to do w/that.  The 'terrible two's' are about two specific things:  SPLIT PERSONALITIES!  As in TWO very different personalities.  And that's what makes it so terrible.

In this corner, weighing in at 20.44 pounds, we have:  Jo-Jo.  The fun loving, easy going, sweet talking little girl.

And in this corner we have, also weighing in at 20.44 pounds:  No-Jo.  The not so fun loving, not so easy going, not such a sweet talker little girl.

Jo-Jo is known for her hugs and giggles and kisses.

No-Jo is famous for her body slamming to the ground, legs kicking, screaming cries of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jo-Jo likes to sit down w/us at dinner and eat what we are eating.

No-Jo enjoys spitting out what we have served for dinner.

Jo-Jo likes to brush her teeth.

No-Jo finds brushing her teeth a waste of time and would much rather brush Nina's (our cat) teeth.

These are just a few of the differences we experience while spending time w/these two personalities.   Thank God they don't call it "The Threatening Three's" b/c I don't think we have any room for another personality!

Onto other things:  Jordan started school this week!!!!  This basically means she goes to class 2 days a week for 2 hours without her Mommy.  Of course Jordan was great for her first day (a shortened session, 45 minutes to break them in) and Mommy (that would be me) also did great.  I had expected to cry but did not cry and I have to say I felt total disappointment in NOT crying.  I was all worked up knowing I was going to be sobbing in the hallway but the sobs never came.  Could it be b/c the teachers pushed the parents out of the room so quickly that I didn't even have time to register what was happening?  Could it be b/c I peaked thru the little skinny window in the door and witnessed Jordan being totally cool playing inside the room?  Or was it that I  could not wait to get to the cafeteria and actually be able to sit and eat something from start to finish?  

And for Jordan's 2nd day of school (today) she decided to wake up w/a nasty cough and runny nose which means we are now 1-1 when it comes to school.  Looks like she's taking after me so far in the school department!

Speaking of the whole school thing - the amount of paperwork you are required to fill out is craziness.  So many questions, all of which I did my very best to be super honest about:

1 - IS YOUR CHILD POTTY TRAINED - are you kidding?  of course she's not potty trained.  who has time for that?  feel free to take this job off my hands and potty train her for me, much appreciated!

2 - DOES YOUR CHILD LISTEN TO COMMANDS WELL - ummm, she's 2, what do you think?

3 - DOES YOUR CHILD SHARE - sure she does, if there are no other kids around.

4 - WHAT DO YOU HOPE YOUR CHILD LEARNS FROM THIS CLASS - how to fold laundry, clean up toys, make the bed, set up the DVR, oh and to tell N0-Jo she is not welcome here anymore!

It's funny how you find yourself trying to teach your child so many things every single day.  Like colors or letters or shapes.  Only thing is, I think Jordan is testing me.  For real!  I'll have a red crayon in my hand and ask, "Jordan what color is this crayon?" and she'll answer, "blue" and I'll say, "Not blue, it's red" and her response is what makes me think she's testing me:  "right, red!"

Or I will ask her "what's Mommy's name?" and she'll answer, "mommy" so I say, "yes, but it's also Stacey" and she says, "right, Stacey!"  Sometimes I feel psyched as if I just got the question right!

Jordan no longer finds the word 'no' all that appealing.  She seems rather attatched to "nope" these days.  "Want some fruit?"  "Nope."  "Want to take a nap?"  "Nope."  It used to be when she would answer 'no' I would follow it up w/a:  "no thank you" in an effort to train her into good manners but I'm finding it hard to follow up the 'nope' w/a:  "nope thank you", just doesn't seem to flow as well.

That's all from THE LAND OF JORDAN for now.

"Where Moon Go Mommy?"

Jo-Jo seems to have entered into the I-will-ask-you-the-same-3-questions-over-and-over-all-day-every-single-day phase of her life.  The first question:  "Where moon go Mommy?" is asked of us whether it's dark outside or light outside.  If it's light outside she's given the response of:  "Jo-Jo, the moon is sleeping b/c the sun is out now, it's light outside."  To which she then gives her much shorter version of our answer:  "Moon night-night."  If it's dark outside when she poses the moon question to us we either run outside to see if we can find the moon or we run from window to window in our house searching for the moon.  9 times out of 10 we have no idea where the friggin moon is and that brings us back to:  "Where moon go Mommy?"

The next question is:  "Where animals go Mommy?"  This question arose b/c we started feeding the squirrels and birds every day.  Of course the friggin squirrels and birds eat so damn fast and then disappear leaving Jo-Jo to wonder outloud:  "Where animals go Mommy?"  So, if it's morning I use:  "The animals are still sleeping" line.  If it's mid-morning I use:  "The animals are resting b/c they are full" line.  If it's the afternoon I use:  "The animals are napping" line.  If it's dark outside I go with:  "The animals are all back in their houses sleeping" line.  These usually work for all of 3 seconds and just as I turn my back on Jordan thinking she's good w/my answer I'm hit with:  "Where animals go Mommy?"

The 3rd question started right after the holidays when people started taking down their outside decorations.  Our neighbor Vinny up the block had one of those blow up polar bears on his lawn for like a month.  And every night we'd drive by it and Jordan would get all excited and say, "Polar bear Mommy!!" and we'd wave to the polar bear.  Then one night the polar bear wasn't there.  You know that Law & Order music/sound, the "duh-duh" sound?  Well I swear that happend in my car.  I was all kinds of tense, just waiting for it to sink in for J0-Jo and then I get the, "Where polar bear go Mommy?"  So I told Jordan the polar bear is in Vinny's garage until next year and now every single day when I'm asked 4,012 times:  "Where polar bear go Mommy" I throw it back to Jordan with:  "Who's garage is the polar bear in?"  And she says, "Vinny's garage" with a very cute smile.

Today Jordan woke up and the very first thing she said when I walked into her room was, "Where animals go Mommy?"  My God!  Are they like little robots?  Turn them back on in the morning and they start off right where they left off?  

We spend major amounts of time on these 3 questions.  I am asked all 3 of these questions at least 100 times while driving.  Thank God for buses and trucks and flags and signs b/c they create a diversion every once in awhile. 

Jordan has been spending a lot of time drawing/coloring/painting at the very cool art table she got from 'her man' Jake (and Jake's mommy Gina).  I felt compelled to supply her w/every art pencil/crayon/marker/paint out there.  No surprise that I'd purchase the washable markers.  So the other day Jordan wanted to use her markers.  Mima was sitting on the couch working on her laptop (translation:  lost in space) and I was busy doing either laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc.  So I say to Mima, "Can you please watch Jordan w/those markers?  Don't let her write on anything but the paper, okay?"  10 minutes later I'm walking back into the room where they both are, wondering why it's so quiet in there.  I see Mima sitting in the exact same position I left her in.  And then I see Jordan.  Jordan who has decided to save the planet and not use the paper given to her for drawing purposes.  And why should she when she is totally enjoying the feeling of coloring BOTH sides of BOTH hands with each and every marker?!!!!!!!!!!!  Her hands looked like a confetti explosion.  And what is Mima's excuse for not stopping the confetti explosion?  "What?  You said the markers are washable?"  Um, yeah, if you get like a little bit on your hands.  NOT WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE JORDAN'S SKIN!   I have to ask: are there still people out there wondering if I'm ever going to have another child?  I mean really!  Come on.

Jordan and I went to the mall the other day.  While I was waiting to return something Jo-Jo decided she wanted no part of being in the stroller.  So I took her out to let her wander around me.  Now I know there a bunch of you out there who have the kids who take off and run, never looking back.  That has never been Jordan.  She usually wanders a tiny bit away from me, always keeping eye contact and then immediately comes back.  Someone must have told Jordan how exciting it is to just run and run and not look back b/c that is exactly what she decided to do.  Of course I'm totally blown away by this as I'm sprinting thru the store chasing my child down.  At some point this chase becomes incredibly funny to Jordan who now thinks giggling will turn this into a fun sport w/Mommy.  That is until Mommy tackles her child.  Jordan proceeded to have a MEGA meltdown.  Keep in mind this is all new for both of us.  So I'm standing there taking in all this crying, screaming, fit throwing, body strewn across the floor scene.  Not really knowing what to do I look up at all the people in the store who naturally are looking at me and I yell VERY loudly, "WHO'S KID IS THIS?  DOES THIS KID BELONG TO ANYBODY HERE?"  Of course I thought it was funny.  The people in the store were so confused and so freaked b/c they were sure the kid was mine!!!!

Once I gather up Jordan in my arms and bring her back to the register I sit her down on the counter and begin to have one of those very serious Mommy talks w/her.  You know how it goes:  You get that very serious look in your eyes.  Your voice is low and steady.  You are filled w/concern yet determined to get the message across.  And then you realize you're talking to a 2 year old who is now mesmerized by the electronic signature pen used when you swipe your credit card.

That's all for now from THE LAND OF JORDAN.  Hope everyone is enjoying the start of 2009.

Question:  Where moon go?