Two's And The Terrible

I finally figured out why everyone calls it "the terrible two's"!  I know you think it's b/c your child has hit the age where they can make choices and decisions and somewhat verbalize what they are feeling or thinking, good or bad.  You could not be more WRONG!  It has absolutely NOTHING to do w/that.  The 'terrible two's' are about two specific things:  SPLIT PERSONALITIES!  As in TWO very different personalities.  And that's what makes it so terrible.

In this corner, weighing in at 20.44 pounds, we have:  Jo-Jo.  The fun loving, easy going, sweet talking little girl.

And in this corner we have, also weighing in at 20.44 pounds:  No-Jo.  The not so fun loving, not so easy going, not such a sweet talker little girl.

Jo-Jo is known for her hugs and giggles and kisses.

No-Jo is famous for her body slamming to the ground, legs kicking, screaming cries of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jo-Jo likes to sit down w/us at dinner and eat what we are eating.

No-Jo enjoys spitting out what we have served for dinner.

Jo-Jo likes to brush her teeth.

No-Jo finds brushing her teeth a waste of time and would much rather brush Nina's (our cat) teeth.

These are just a few of the differences we experience while spending time w/these two personalities.   Thank God they don't call it "The Threatening Three's" b/c I don't think we have any room for another personality!

Onto other things:  Jordan started school this week!!!!  This basically means she goes to class 2 days a week for 2 hours without her Mommy.  Of course Jordan was great for her first day (a shortened session, 45 minutes to break them in) and Mommy (that would be me) also did great.  I had expected to cry but did not cry and I have to say I felt total disappointment in NOT crying.  I was all worked up knowing I was going to be sobbing in the hallway but the sobs never came.  Could it be b/c the teachers pushed the parents out of the room so quickly that I didn't even have time to register what was happening?  Could it be b/c I peaked thru the little skinny window in the door and witnessed Jordan being totally cool playing inside the room?  Or was it that I  could not wait to get to the cafeteria and actually be able to sit and eat something from start to finish?  

And for Jordan's 2nd day of school (today) she decided to wake up w/a nasty cough and runny nose which means we are now 1-1 when it comes to school.  Looks like she's taking after me so far in the school department!

Speaking of the whole school thing - the amount of paperwork you are required to fill out is craziness.  So many questions, all of which I did my very best to be super honest about:

1 - IS YOUR CHILD POTTY TRAINED - are you kidding?  of course she's not potty trained.  who has time for that?  feel free to take this job off my hands and potty train her for me, much appreciated!

2 - DOES YOUR CHILD LISTEN TO COMMANDS WELL - ummm, she's 2, what do you think?

3 - DOES YOUR CHILD SHARE - sure she does, if there are no other kids around.

4 - WHAT DO YOU HOPE YOUR CHILD LEARNS FROM THIS CLASS - how to fold laundry, clean up toys, make the bed, set up the DVR, oh and to tell N0-Jo she is not welcome here anymore!

It's funny how you find yourself trying to teach your child so many things every single day.  Like colors or letters or shapes.  Only thing is, I think Jordan is testing me.  For real!  I'll have a red crayon in my hand and ask, "Jordan what color is this crayon?" and she'll answer, "blue" and I'll say, "Not blue, it's red" and her response is what makes me think she's testing me:  "right, red!"

Or I will ask her "what's Mommy's name?" and she'll answer, "mommy" so I say, "yes, but it's also Stacey" and she says, "right, Stacey!"  Sometimes I feel psyched as if I just got the question right!

Jordan no longer finds the word 'no' all that appealing.  She seems rather attatched to "nope" these days.  "Want some fruit?"  "Nope."  "Want to take a nap?"  "Nope."  It used to be when she would answer 'no' I would follow it up w/a:  "no thank you" in an effort to train her into good manners but I'm finding it hard to follow up the 'nope' w/a:  "nope thank you", just doesn't seem to flow as well.

That's all from THE LAND OF JORDAN for now.

"Where Moon Go Mommy?"

Jo-Jo seems to have entered into the I-will-ask-you-the-same-3-questions-over-and-over-all-day-every-single-day phase of her life.  The first question:  "Where moon go Mommy?" is asked of us whether it's dark outside or light outside.  If it's light outside she's given the response of:  "Jo-Jo, the moon is sleeping b/c the sun is out now, it's light outside."  To which she then gives her much shorter version of our answer:  "Moon night-night."  If it's dark outside when she poses the moon question to us we either run outside to see if we can find the moon or we run from window to window in our house searching for the moon.  9 times out of 10 we have no idea where the friggin moon is and that brings us back to:  "Where moon go Mommy?"

The next question is:  "Where animals go Mommy?"  This question arose b/c we started feeding the squirrels and birds every day.  Of course the friggin squirrels and birds eat so damn fast and then disappear leaving Jo-Jo to wonder outloud:  "Where animals go Mommy?"  So, if it's morning I use:  "The animals are still sleeping" line.  If it's mid-morning I use:  "The animals are resting b/c they are full" line.  If it's the afternoon I use:  "The animals are napping" line.  If it's dark outside I go with:  "The animals are all back in their houses sleeping" line.  These usually work for all of 3 seconds and just as I turn my back on Jordan thinking she's good w/my answer I'm hit with:  "Where animals go Mommy?"

The 3rd question started right after the holidays when people started taking down their outside decorations.  Our neighbor Vinny up the block had one of those blow up polar bears on his lawn for like a month.  And every night we'd drive by it and Jordan would get all excited and say, "Polar bear Mommy!!" and we'd wave to the polar bear.  Then one night the polar bear wasn't there.  You know that Law & Order music/sound, the "duh-duh" sound?  Well I swear that happend in my car.  I was all kinds of tense, just waiting for it to sink in for J0-Jo and then I get the, "Where polar bear go Mommy?"  So I told Jordan the polar bear is in Vinny's garage until next year and now every single day when I'm asked 4,012 times:  "Where polar bear go Mommy" I throw it back to Jordan with:  "Who's garage is the polar bear in?"  And she says, "Vinny's garage" with a very cute smile.

Today Jordan woke up and the very first thing she said when I walked into her room was, "Where animals go Mommy?"  My God!  Are they like little robots?  Turn them back on in the morning and they start off right where they left off?  

We spend major amounts of time on these 3 questions.  I am asked all 3 of these questions at least 100 times while driving.  Thank God for buses and trucks and flags and signs b/c they create a diversion every once in awhile. 

Jordan has been spending a lot of time drawing/coloring/painting at the very cool art table she got from 'her man' Jake (and Jake's mommy Gina).  I felt compelled to supply her w/every art pencil/crayon/marker/paint out there.  No surprise that I'd purchase the washable markers.  So the other day Jordan wanted to use her markers.  Mima was sitting on the couch working on her laptop (translation:  lost in space) and I was busy doing either laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc.  So I say to Mima, "Can you please watch Jordan w/those markers?  Don't let her write on anything but the paper, okay?"  10 minutes later I'm walking back into the room where they both are, wondering why it's so quiet in there.  I see Mima sitting in the exact same position I left her in.  And then I see Jordan.  Jordan who has decided to save the planet and not use the paper given to her for drawing purposes.  And why should she when she is totally enjoying the feeling of coloring BOTH sides of BOTH hands with each and every marker?!!!!!!!!!!!  Her hands looked like a confetti explosion.  And what is Mima's excuse for not stopping the confetti explosion?  "What?  You said the markers are washable?"  Um, yeah, if you get like a little bit on your hands.  NOT WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE JORDAN'S SKIN!   I have to ask: are there still people out there wondering if I'm ever going to have another child?  I mean really!  Come on.

Jordan and I went to the mall the other day.  While I was waiting to return something Jo-Jo decided she wanted no part of being in the stroller.  So I took her out to let her wander around me.  Now I know there a bunch of you out there who have the kids who take off and run, never looking back.  That has never been Jordan.  She usually wanders a tiny bit away from me, always keeping eye contact and then immediately comes back.  Someone must have told Jordan how exciting it is to just run and run and not look back b/c that is exactly what she decided to do.  Of course I'm totally blown away by this as I'm sprinting thru the store chasing my child down.  At some point this chase becomes incredibly funny to Jordan who now thinks giggling will turn this into a fun sport w/Mommy.  That is until Mommy tackles her child.  Jordan proceeded to have a MEGA meltdown.  Keep in mind this is all new for both of us.  So I'm standing there taking in all this crying, screaming, fit throwing, body strewn across the floor scene.  Not really knowing what to do I look up at all the people in the store who naturally are looking at me and I yell VERY loudly, "WHO'S KID IS THIS?  DOES THIS KID BELONG TO ANYBODY HERE?"  Of course I thought it was funny.  The people in the store were so confused and so freaked b/c they were sure the kid was mine!!!!

Once I gather up Jordan in my arms and bring her back to the register I sit her down on the counter and begin to have one of those very serious Mommy talks w/her.  You know how it goes:  You get that very serious look in your eyes.  Your voice is low and steady.  You are filled w/concern yet determined to get the message across.  And then you realize you're talking to a 2 year old who is now mesmerized by the electronic signature pen used when you swipe your credit card.

That's all for now from THE LAND OF JORDAN.  Hope everyone is enjoying the start of 2009.

Question:  Where moon go?

The Fascination Of Poop

Why do kids find poop to be so interesting?  Is it b/c they witness their parents scrunching up their noses while changing a poopy diaper?  Does that make them interested?  Or is it b/c on occasion we parents have been known to let out a rather loud, "WOAH, OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!" which could peak the interest of a child? 

Can't quite be sure what the reason is but Jordan is not only living in The Land of Jordan, she also resides in the Poop is Fascinating World.  Each time our child poops and we change the poopy diaper Jordan says, "See poop, see poop!"  And of course we (or at least I do this) show her the poop in her diaper.  Sometimes she continues the poop conversation and says, "big poop Mommy" to which I reply, "yes honey, that is a big poop, good job!"  And why is it I reward my child w/poopy praise?  I don't praise her each time she pees.  Yet I find myself telling her how proud I am that she pooped and we high five each other.  What is that all about?  Nobody high fives me when I poop.

And that brings me to the next poopy paragraph.  Jordan's interest in poop doesn't stop w/just her poop.  Nope, she's now showing intense interest in MY poop!  Now, for those of you who know me, really know me, you know that I have what we like to refer to as 'bashful bowels' which basically means:  I can't and won't poop in front of anyone, if anyone is remotely close to the bathroom I can't and won't poop and I won't poop in public places.  Yes, yes, yes, I know I have issues but this isn't about me.  

Of course having a child really changes things in your life, or at least in my life.  Pooping is one of those changes.  I have no issues pooping in front of Jordan.  And she has no issues following me into the bathroom to watch me poop.  Now this is where it gets bit weird........she now wants to see MY poop.  "See poop Mommy!"  And there we are, having a moment, looking at my poop!!  Nobody high fives me during this moment, it's a bit of a let down.

I have shared way too much during this blog...........onto other things!

Counting.  How is it that children know when a parent turns to them and says, "I'm going to count to three" that if that parent actually gets to the number three they are in big trouble?  I mean seriously, how do they know this?  I've not seen it written in any of the books or stories I read to Jordan.  I haven't heard any of the other kids telling each other, "Oh man, my mom got to the number three the other night and it was not pretty, you better not let your mom get to the number three."  Yet somehow they just know.  And did we think we'd be using this tactic on our child at the age of 2?  Well we are.  It's mostly used around the diaper change/pajama time.  Jordan loves to tell us "no diaper" when we say it's time for a diaper change and she takes off running in another direction thinking that we'll never catch her.  Same thing when it's time for pajamas.  Then Mima starts counting, "One"......."Two"......."Three" and Jordan comes running into her arms to avoid whatever consequences 'three' might hold.

Snow.  Again, for those of you who really know me you know that snow is one of my most favorite things in the world!  I love snow, wish for snow and if I wore pajamas to bed I'd wear them inside out just like every kid on the planet which pretty much guarantees snow!  So we finally got snow this year!  And a good amount of it.  I could not wait to get Jordan out there in it.  I was under the impression that if I loved snow then Jordan would love snow too.  Isn't that how this parent thing works?  Our first time out was at night.  She stood perfectly still, not sure what to make of the white fluffy stuff falling from the sky.  We lasted 10 minutes out there.  The next time was during the day and there was a lot of snow on the ground.  I was convinced this was the day she would discover how amazing snow is.  We lasted 10 minutes.  She was not overly happy about not being able to move her arms (b/c she was all bundled up) and not very happy about not being able to grasp anything b/c she can't get her tiny little thumb into the thumb section of the mittens so she can't grasp anything.  And when she fell she could not get up.  The third time was late afternoon, nearly dark out.  I took her sledding w/her cousins Andrew & Christianna.  I was sure this would seal the deal!  We lasted 20 minutes.  We went down the hill 3 times and after the third time she told me "no more".  I was so bummed but of course could not give up.  So I start throwing questions at her:  "are you hungry?", she answered no.  "Do you want to go home?", she answered no.  "Do you want to go sledding again?", she answered no.  So like any mature parent I told Jordan, "I don't think you know what you mean" and I put the two of us back on the sled and down the hill we went!!!  

The Land of Jordan has turned into The Land of Presents!  The month of December is present month in our house:  birthday, Chanukah and Christmas.

Speaking of Chanukah, we lit the candles last night for the first night of Chanukah and Jordan immediately blew them out!  So we light them again and this time I am pulling the Menorah away from Jordan who is insisting on blowing the candles out b/c isn't that we do w/candles?  For the last 3 weeks, each time we've lit a candle it's been to sing happy birthday and have her blow the candle out so she's looking at us like, "Hello?  What's w/you people?  Candles, make a wish, blow them out, get a gift!"  And here I am trying to explain to a 2 year old the difference b/een Chanukah candles and birthday candles.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

"Jo-Jo" Turns Two!!!!!!!

For those of you not in the know, 'Jo-Jo' is the name Jordan goes by these days.  It's not ever Jordan's turn, it's always "Jo-Jo's turn."  It's not ever Jordan's house, it's always "Jo-Jo's house."  It's not ever Jordan's car, it's always "Jo-Jo's car."  In fact it's all Jo-Jo's now that I think about it.  Christina and I own nothing and have nothing according to Jo-Jo b/c it's all hers!  

Jo-Jo is officially a 2 year old!!!!  So far (and I'm sure I'm going to regret putting this in writting) the two's are not so terrible.  Of course we've only been in the two's for a very short amount of time...........and I can hear everyone right now saying, "ohhhh, just you wait.....it's coming!"  But so far we are doing okay here in yet another unfamiliar stage of Jo-Jo's life.  

The area we do seem to be having major issues in would be the pediatrician visits.  For some reason Jordan is absolutely terrified of her pediatrician right now.  She seems somewhat okay w/the nurses but man, once her doctor walks into the room Jordan starts climbing up my body, crying, saying "no" over and over again, and refusing to make eye contact in hopes that this little trick will make the doctor walk out of the room b/c if eye contact is not made then there's no way the doctor sees Jordan right?  So mommy comes up w/a plan!  I had to take Jordan to the doctor this past week (she has a nasty cold) and this time I brought w/us, as a surprise to Jordan, her pretend doctor's kit!!  As we were waiting for the doctor to come into the room I pulled out the kit and Jordan seemed totally psyched about it.  We talked about how we're going to look in the doctor's ears and the doctor's eyes and we're going to listen to the doctor's chest and take the doctor's temperature too!  We seemed to be doing great at this point.  That is until time starts slipping by and we're stuck in the room waiting, and waiting and waiting for the doctor to come in.  I've always had issues w/the waiting for anything in life and now that Jordan is w/me I have even bigger issues w/the waiting b/c I don't think people in the world who do not have children understand YOU CAN NOT KEEP US LOCKED IN A SMALL ROOM FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME!!!!  Things are bound to happen.  

What things?  Well, let's just say those cute little labels on the cotton ball jar that say 'PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH, FOR STAFF ONLY'......yeah, I just turned the jar around a bit so I didn't actually see the label anymore and Jordan and I had a cotton ball throwing contest.  And the jar filled w/those tongue depressers?  Turned that jar around too!  It's sort of like Jordan's eye contact theory:  if you don't see it then it's not there, right?  We used the tongue depressers to play baseball w/the cotton balls.

And suddenly the door to our very tiny room opens, in walks the pediatrician who is greeted by me wearing the pretend stethoscope, the pretend blood pressure cuff, the pretend band aid, the pretend thermometer hanging out of my mouth, cotton balls in my ears, cotton balls on my head, tongue depressers attached to my fingers w/some rubber bands I managed to find in the drawers............and then Jordan climbing up my body, crying, saying "no" over and over again and refusing to make eye contact!

We are now entering the 3 word sentence phase!!!  It's so cool and really fun to hear Jordan put together sentences that actually make sense!  The other night we had, "Where moon go?" when the moon could not be located from any window in our house.  One of my favorites is, "Mommy sit here."  That one is very cute, boarding on bossy.  Then we have the sentences that get a bit mixed up.  Lately Jordan has decided that brushing her teeth is just not a priority so she tells us, "Teeth brush no!" thinking that's going to get her out of it.

We are still into pointing out each and every school bus we see while we're in the car, but now we are actually waving and saying, "HI BUS" to each one and then, "BYE BUS" when it passes us.  This is also applied to each and every truck we see while in the car, "HI TRUCK" and then it passes us, "BYE TRUCK".  We now look beyond the road and have discovered the: "SIGNS!!!"  Which is quickly followed up with, "MORE SIGNS!!!"  Can't leave out "FLAGS!!!" also followed up with, "MORE FLAGS!!!"  Have you ever noticed that car dealerships have the ultimate biggest flags?  Why is that?

I've mentioned in the past how Jordan is very affectionate and that has not changed a bit, if anything she's even more affectionate these days.  Her new thing is wanting to hold my hand which is awesome, but, she is not asking to hold my hand while we are walking or sitting or playing.  Nope, it's while I'm driving!  "HAND, HOLD, MOMMY!"  So instead of saying, "Jordan mommy is driving right now and I can't hold your hand b/c well you see I'm in the front seat and you're in the back seat", I don't say anything at all.  Instead I lean my entire body over towards the center console, reach my arm back in the most uncomfortable position imaginable, allow her to grab hold of my hand and we continue driving in this position until one of two things happens:  1 - my arm losses all blood circulation and falls off........or 2 - I am pulled over by the police b/c it appears as if no one is driving my car b/c I'm so sprawled over the center console.

I realize now why people decorate the outside of their houses for the holidays and it has nothing to do w/religion!  It's to make car rides at night way more fun for 2 year olds!  Jordan loves, loves, loves the holiday lights on all the homes.  The more we see the more she wants!  Sometimes I feel as if I'm on a reality show being timed to see if I can find the next house that has holiday lights up.  "More lights, more lights, more lights" is what we hear if we are passing houses which are not lit up.  Your child somehow takes over your car and you find yourself zooming thru neighborhoods searching for lit up houses and under your breath cursing out the folks who own the houses w/no lights!

And speaking of holidays - hope everyone out there has a great one!  

That's all from THE LAND OF JORDAN............

Let There Be No Doubt......Jordan is a JEW!!!!!!!!!

Today I decided to take Jordan to see Santa and to have her picture taken w/the jolly dude in the red suit.  Well that didn't quite go the way I had it planned out in my head.  Jordan took one look at this red suited, big bellied, white bearded guy and she FREAKED OUT!  She was terrified!  She was clinging to my body so tightly, arms wrapped completely around my neck, legs would have been completely wrapped around my body had it not been for those pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream I've been consuming..........

So I revert to what every mother on the planet does in a desperate time of need:  bribery!  "Jordan, he's a nice man and he's the guy who brings you presents!"  "Jordan, he has a present for you but you have to sit on his lap."  Meanwhile in her mind she's like, "Duh, I'm not falling for this b/c my mommies are the ones who bring me presents and all I have to do is go to the store w/them and not sit on some strangers lap!"  

I have scratch marks on both sides of my neck from attempting to pull her off me so I can place her onto Santa's lap.  The instant contact was made on the lap of the dude in the red suit, Jordan reached a whole new level of freak out so I immediately put a stop to the every-kid-gets-one-every-year Santa picture.  And all was good in the world once we were far enough away from the dude in the red suit.

Ahhhh Chanukah, calm, candles, latkas, 8 nights of presents, no need for dead trees in the living room, no scary red suited men.

Jordan is beginning to recognize certain places or areas when we are in the car now.  Like when we're heading towards or near our dry cleaners she starts spewing from the backseat:  "APPAPOP, APPAPOP" which sounds like 'apple pop' but really means 'LOLLIPOP' b/c the wonderful folks at our dry cleaners give Jordan a lollipop each every time we go there.  So I find myself avoiding the "APPAPOP" roads on the days we do not have to pick anything up at the dry cleaners.  She also recognizes the Y where we take our Parent/Toddler class which I've been calling 'school', so when we pull into the parking lot she starts saying "FAN" which really means 'Fran' who is Jordan's teacher.

Hanging out w/mostly heterosexual moms and their kids has had some affect on Jordan.  I wasn't aware that she was being affected by this until the two of us were shopping in Bed Bath & Beyond and Jordan started yelling at the top of her lungs, "DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY"..........now that made for an interesting moment.

Jordan is madly in love w/our cat Nina.  Nina, not so much w/Jordan.  I bought 'snacks' for Nina and put them in 'the snack' cabinet which is full of Jordan's snacks and Jordan can go in there at any time and pull out what she wants.  These days it seems she is only interested in Nina's snacks, not to eat, but to insist that we feed these snacks to Nina a minimum of 7 times a day.  Jordan, using her 2 word sentences will come up to me w/the Nina snacks in her hand and say, "NINA EAT" so we go upstairs to where Nina is sleeping (and pretty much living during Jordan's awake hours) and we feed her a few snacks.  I'm thinking this might work out for Jordan, Nina will most likely start associating good snacks w/Jordan and then start to love Jordan.......that is until Nina came downstairs after a full day of "NINA EAT" and Nina proceeded to puke at my feet.  

Speaking of 2 word sentences..........they are awesome and they are amazing!  Most of Jordan's 2 word sentences start w/"MOMMY" but I am soooooooo good w/that!  In fact I'm in love w/it!  "MOMMY COME."  "MOMMY MORE."  "MOMMY TENT." (meaning come and play in the tent w/me)

That's it from the Land Of Jordan for now, hope everyone has an amazing Thanksgiving!