The Mind of a 3 Year Old

I realize it's been a long time since my last Land of Jordan post but really who has time to post a blog when your 3 year old talks 24/7?

Jordan's vocabulary is expanding and exploding! I also now know what I sound like b/c so many of these new words in her vocabulary are words I apparently overuse!!

For example: "actually" is now used many times throughout the day. "Actually Mom, that not a Scarlet Macaw, that a pigeon." "Actually Mom, I don't need to go w/you to the store, I going to stay here and play." "Actually Mom, I not yet a big girl so I don't have to poop on the potty, only pee."

Then there was this one: "Mom!! A bug just FREAKED me out!"

Or this one: "That so totally awesome Mom!"

And I like how she flips the rules around and uses them on me. How many times a day do I repeat: "say thank you", "say please", "good manners Jo-Jo"....? The other day Jordan handed me something and I said, "thank you" not expecting any kind of response from her but sure enough she had something to add: "good manners Mommy!" How friggin funny is that?

I am constantly saying, "You can play for a little bit and then we have to......." so the other day Jordan goes into her playroom, turns around and says, "Mom? Can I play for a BIG bit?"

We are heading to NC soon, staying at Bubby & Pop-Pop's. So Jordan says, "Mom? I want to sleep there a lot of nights, not a little nights, but a lot of nights."

We've noticed lately that we have a very bossy little girl on our hands. When playing w/her she tells you exactly where you need to be, what you need to do & how you need to do it and don't even think about adding your little spin to it b/c I'm telling you, she is bossy! In fact I say it to her often, "You are bossy Jo-Jo!" So one day she was being incredibly bossy and I said to her, "Jordan, you are very demanding." She stops what she's doing, looks right at me and says, "No I not Mommy, I bossy!!" How do you keep a straight face w/that?

Jordan and I were heading to meet up w/her friends and their families one day. I was telling her who was going to be there. When I said the name Jack, she asked who he was so I explained that Jack is Drew's (her buddy) older brother. She's quiet for a minute and says, "Who's my brother?" so I explain how she doesn't have one. She's quiet for a few more minutes and then says, "Can we go and buy a brother?"

For some reason Jordan and her friends seem to be crazed about playing "Mommy & Daddy". This happens more often than not. One day Jordan and I are in the car heading who knows where and she says, "You the Mommy & I the Daddy". So I go along w/it and I ask her what we should do next as Mommy & Daddy and she says, "You make dinner and I sit." Where the heck did that come from????? She lives w/2 mommies and the one mommy she is w/majority of the time does NOT cook and also never sits still........how did she get that scenario in her head????

We spend a great deal of time dancing in our kitchen to some seriously cool hip hop tunes. Currently on the top of Jo-Jo's playlist is "Imma Be" by The Black Eyed Peas....so she comes up to me the other day and says, "Let's rock it out Mom!" I swear, I love when stuff like that comes out of her!!! So funny!

Jordan is now anti-plastic utensils. "No Mom, I want the GLASS spoon." Glass? She thinks our silverware is glass!

Can't be sure how or when she discovered antennas, but she seems to have a bit of an obsession w/antennas on cars and is so concerned that our car does not have an antenna that she can see.

When she's playing dress-up and holds a wand, don't think about calling it a wand b/c clearly it's not a wand. Nope, it's a "magic spelling"!!

If you hand her a food item which has a bite taken out of it she will demand, "I want a REAL one", which means she wants a new one that does not have any bites or pieces missing.

There was an addition to Jordan's class, her name is Rebecca. Rebecca came to Jordan's class late in the 'semester' and she happened to arrive while Jordan's buddy Luke (also in the class) was away on vacation in Florida. Luke arrives home, everyone goes to school. So I ask Jordan later that day, "How's the new girl Rebecca? Are you being nice to her? Are you asking her to play w/you?" and Jordan responds, "Mom, she gonna go home now cause Luke is back." HA! She thought Rebecca was the replacement kid while Luke was away!!! Holy mind of a 3 year old!!!!!

We are now into rhyming.....so as a family we are required to come up w/good rhymes, like: "Look at that cat, he's wearing a hat" and then as a family we all cheer and give a loud yell of "thumbs up, thumbs up, good one, good one!" Most of Jordan's rhyming is questionable, but every once in awhile she gets it right and she gets the family cheer of "thumbs up!" Then it's Mima's turn.......is it b/c she grew up in a house where English and Spanish were so mixed together ALL words are questionable? Well Mima's rhymes are not quite rhymes....she starts off strong: "Look at that cat............. he's driving a truck"........WHAT??? Mima's rhymes are met w/a loud "thumbs down, thumbs down" and Jordan's face is all scrunched up as if there's a terrible stink in the room while she's doing "thumbs down, thumbs down!"

Speaking of stink.....oh my God, if there is even the slightest yucky smell in the air, Jordan is so freaked out! "What's that yucky smell?" as she's holding her nose and nearly having a melt down! And look out if you take her into a public bathroom (yes, she is now peeing in public bathrooms) and someone has stunk up the place......Jordan will VERY LOUDLY point out the obvious not only to me but to everyone else in the bathroom, "What's that yucky smell? Mommy, it too yucky, it too yucky! Mommy! No Mommy, it too yucky!!!" And I can forget about getting her to pee b/c she's bolting for the door to escape the 'it too yucky' smell!!!

Oh, and God forbid she spills something on her shirt or pants! There is no turning back from a spill! Even if it's the tiniest littlest drop of water, "I WET, I WET, I WET!!!"

But she has no problem shoving her finger way up her nose to dig out the boogy that's taken up residence in a nostril. Most times I don't even realize she's doing this b/c we're in the car, then from the back seat I get the: "Here Mom" and lame stupid Mommy just sticks her hand back w/out looking, assuming she's going to be handed an unidentifiable-been sittin in her car seat for 9 weeks-snack that never made it into Jo-Jo's mouth. Not so lucky.....my hand makes contact w/the boogy which used to reside in my daughter's nostril! Not just any boogy......the slimiest, grossest, drippiest, blech-yuck-barf-green boogy! And THIS doesn't freak her out?

That folks is all I've got right now from The Land of Jordan. Spring has arrived which means we are back to every night is bath night due to large amounts of sun tan lotion being applied to little people's bodies! Enjoy the weather!!!

New Olympic Event: Training for the Potty!!!!

For those of us who live in The Land of Jordan (me, Christina & Jo-Jo), potty training has not been top priority for us. In fact I've been known to say that Jordan can stay in diapers until she's 7 years old b/c I despise public restrooms and the thought of having my child's tush anywhere near those toilets wigs me out beyond words.

Many of you are aware that Jordan really has had zero interest in doing the whole peeing on the potty thing, unless of course she's at school. At school she's all about making a good impression on her teachers by dropping her pants/diaper and attempting to 'go' on the potty. At home it's a whole different story. At home she tells us, "But I don't want to sit on the potty at home, I only sit on the potty at school."

And then The Land of Jordan flew to Mexico for a vacation. And on that vacation something amazing happened: Jordan ONLY wanted to pee on the potty! HUH???? Yep, we felt the same way! She was quite clear how she would not be peeing in her diapers any longer and that she needed to pee on the potty "just like Addy" (her little buddy) and how she had to go back to school b/c she had to tell Gail (her teacher) that she's peeing on the potty. This conversation happened 5-6 times per day. Of course after each successful potty pee we did a crazy, silly, YIPEE-YOU-DID-THE-PEE dance. And Mommy could be found muttering on about how she was so happy J0-Jo decided to have this break-thru pee experience in Mexico b/c she was sure she had not packed enough diapers!

And then The Land of Jordan flew back to NJ. Where automatic flushing toilets exist. Where said toilets decide to airplane-vacuum-suck anything in the stall at random times which nearly included sucking my child's tush off. After peeling a 1/2 naked still had not peed Jo-Jo from my arms b/c she was so freaked out by the random flushing toilet she informs me: "Mommy, I only want to pee on the potty at school and in Mexico."

Somehow we manage to overcome our "only at school and in Mexico" demand and we now have Jordan peeing on the potty full time at home, and at school. (oh yeah, and in Mexico too)

And then I take her to FAO Schwarz today w/her buddy Chase. What could possibly ruin an amazing day in one of the largest toy stores in the world???? The pee break.

The pee break nearly sent me over the edge into an institution. Sympathetic grins and smiles from various women in the bathroom while the pee break took place did not make me feel any better.

Here's how it all played out: Took Jordan into the public bathroom, she's already freaked out b/c she thinks it's one of those automatic possessed flushing toilets. Luckily this time it is not an automatic one. So I have to show her how Mommy is not afraid and how Mommy can pee and it's all good. (let go of the visual please)......Now it's Jo-Jo's turn. Pants down, pull-up down, 14 of those stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers in place, Jordan safely planted on stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers, and no pee along w/meltdown #1 happens. Off comes Jordan along w/9 of the stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers. The other 5 fell into the toilet! Reasoning thru meltdown #1 not going over so well. Attempt #2: back on the toilet except now Jordan has decided that if stays stiff and not bendable then she won't have to take this pee break. Now it's Mommy's turn for a bit of a meltdown. More reasoning and another plant the child to pee attempt. No luck again. No more reasoning, now it's just plain pissed off Mommy insisting she pee. (in case you've lost count or track.....Jordan is winning) I even tried to hold her up thinking she could pee like that, and at the same time thinking about how if she actually did pee like that she would surely pee directly onto me! Trying now to calm down. No more pissed off Mommy, now it's semi-defeated Mommy begging Jordan to pee.

OH MY GOD, losing my mind!!!!! So, the pull up comes up, I tell her to pee in that, she does and that's that. HA! You think that's that. Oh but wait, there's so much more. Since we are now wearing pull-ups we have to remove our pants to replace the pull-up, not like diapers where you could leave the pants on and replace the diaper w/a new one while the child is still standing. So, off come the boots (which are a pain in the ass to begin with), off comes the old pull-up, on goes the one and only back-up pull-up in Mommy's bag. And in the process I am quite sure Mommy was not being super soft and delicate while putting the new pull-up on b/c SHE RIPPED THE FRIGGIN PULL-UP APART and now it's unwearable. I say again: OH MY GOD, losing my mind!!!

Now Jordan is crying b/c the pull-up is 'broken', I'm having a rambling conversation w/her about peeing and how there's nothing to be afraid of, her boots are off, her pants are off, 2 pull-ups are on the floor, numerous stupid useless wax papery toilet seat covers are on the floor, I'm sweating, women outside our stall are giggling.....I'm beginning to think peeing only in Mexico and only in school is not such a bad idea.

Luckily I still had diapers in my bag.

So if over the next few years you're wondering why you haven't seen Jordan (or her Mommy & Mima for that matter)......we have moved to Mexico until Jordan turns 7 and is no longer afraid of public possessed toilets.

And that is all from The Land of Jordan!

Life According To A 3 Year Old......

The Land of Jordan celebrated turning 3 recently! In fact, we are still celebrating. For all of you out there who share a December birthday.....holy month of presents! And look out if you come from a family who shares Hannukah & Xmas! Present overload!!!! And as if that's not enough, Jordan can't seem to wrap her head around why folks have taken down their Xmas lights when there's still snow on the ground: "but Mom, it's still Xmas cause that's why there's snow on the ground"....

We had our first (and hopefully last) visit to the ER in the month of December. To make a long story somewhat short, Jordan had a high fever and Mommy freaked cause Jordan was shaking uncontrollably and Mima was 2 hours away, so a 911 call took place and many uniformed individuals showed up at our house. We were driven to the hospital in an ambulance and the uniformed guy riding in the back w/us told the driver there was no need for the sirens/lights...that is until I insisted there was a major need for sirens/lights cause how often do I get to ride in an ambulance and blow past traffic? I mean come on, really? Give up a chance for sirens/lights? So we got the full on ambulance experience! (had Jordan not been lying on top of me during the ride I might have asked if I could drive the ambulance!!)

I am beginning to realize that Jordan is paying close attention to what is being said even when I think she's not paying attention. Case and point: Jo-Jo and I went to order Chinese food. We always share sweet & sour chicken together. I take one of those menus w/9,012 different Chinese items to choose from, grab a golf pencil being held in place by a plastic container filled w/rice, circle my sweet & sour chicken and we patiently wait for our food. Woman calls out my order when it's ready, "SWEET & SOUR PORK!" I go up to the counter (Jordan is off to the side playing w/something) and I explain quietly there's no way I ordered pork, I don't even really like pork. And then she shows me my menu where I circled sweet & sour pork.........UGH! So rather than wait for the correct food item to be prepared I decide I can pull this one off on Jordan. I pay for my pork (yuck) and we leave. As we're heading for the car little miss big ears says, "Mom, is that pork?" And in my head I'm going, "Are you kidding me? She heard all that? What the heck?" So I tell her it's chicken and it's gonna be so good when we get home. Well little miss big ears proceeds to GRILL ME the ENTIRE way home about what's in the bag!! "Mom, is it really chicken? I don't like pork. Is it pork? Did that lady say pork? Mom, is it really chicken? What's that smell Mom? It smells different." Now I'm freaking out internally cause she's just about past the hunger feed time window and I'm reaching my hunger feed time window and if this pork can't pass as chicken I'm screwed! So we get home, I talk up the 'chicken' and how it's gonna be so good and so much fun eating it together (mind you it smells TOTALLY different than when we get the chicken) and I plate the whole thing w/rice and she skeptically takes a fork full....sweat is dripping down my face......my mind is racing as to what the heck I'm gonna make for her if this doesn't go over well.....and then she says, "Yummy Mommy!! This is the best chicken I ever ate!!!" SCORE!!!!!!!!

Took Jordan (and her 2 cousins) ice skating a few weeks ago. I was so excited to do this w/her!! What a lame brain idea that was. Sounds great in theory...that is if you're child actually doesn't mind wearing 17 layers of clothing and being placed in a shoe w/a razor blade on the bottom. But I managed to get her out on the ice and of course she loved that part of it b/c what could be so bad about being held up by your arms by your Mom while she pushes you around and you're just hanging out as if you're in a parade and everyone is there to watch you? Twice around and I honestly thought I would never stand up straight again, my back was killing me!!!! Of course twice around was enough for Jo-Jo who then wanted off the ice immediately and out of the razor blade shoes only to venture out in search of "schnacks"....(snacks). The folks who built the ice rink: brilliant, gifted people. Why you ask? Because who else thinks to put an arcade/ski ball/air hockey room in an ice rink facility? Genius! So after paying nearly $60 to get us all in, spending MAYBE 30 minutes on the ice, paying another $25 for lunch.....I then find myself buying friggin tokens for the kids to play ski ball! Jordan will not be ice skating any time in the near future!

A few funny moments in The Land of Jordan:

- We had the baby sitter here Saturday for Jo-Jo b/c we were going out. Jordan asked, "Where are you going Mommy?" so I told her we're going to cousin Nancy's house and Jordan then asked, "Are you going to have a play date there?"

- Had the TV on the other day, women's basketball game was on, Jordan and I are working on a puzzle and a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial comes on which IMMEDIATELY catches Jordan's attention. The commercial ends w/a picture of a Reece's PB cup and Jordan says, "WOW WOW WOW WOW Mommy, that looks totally yummy!"

- Jordan informed me the other day that when she gets bigger and goes to the bigger kids school that I can go there too b/c I'll be bigger too, but, there won't be any treadmills there. (basically this means Jordan thinks all stay-at-home moms spend all their time on treadmills while the kids are in school)

- We seem to have a bit of curiousness about Heaven. It first started w/me talking about my cat Marco who died way before Jordan was born. She likes to hear all about Marco and wants to know "why Marco died out". And now we're discussing Heaven b/c my Dad died. So Jordan says, "Mom, Poppi and Marco are in the clouds?" and I tell her they are up there in the clouds in Heaven and she says, "Are they on an airplane?"

A few Mommy observations:

- You know you're spending too much time at one particular place when you're child yells out from the back seat of the car: "There's Target!"

- You know you're so super screwed when the usual bribe of "there will be no Olivia (her favorite show) if you don't....." is met w/your 3 year old not being phased in the least by the bribe! This has happened at least 4 times so far and each time I'm stumped, freaked, clueless and dumbfounded! She outsmarted me! She doesn't care if she misses Olivia!

- You know your child has a future w/the transportation authority when you are asked every single day in the car, "How you get down there Mommy?" and Mommy goes into the "you have to take the exit ramp" discussion.

- You know you're a total geek and total Mom when you realize you're rockin out in the car w/your child to Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies" performed by Alvin & The Chipmunks!

That would be all for now from The Land of Jordan. Stay tuned for Jordan's next update when she returns from her trip to Mexico! (Jordan decided she did not have to clear it w/her 2 mommies before inviting her teacher Linda to Mexico w/us. Oh and that same teacher got an invite via Jo-Jo to come over and play Disney Bingo at our house!)

Stay warm....stay safe!

Santa Is Still Scary When You Are 3.

I know the Santa picture looks as if Jordan is enjoying herself but trust me, that smile happened once during a long meltdown period and there is a story behind that.........but first let me say hello and welcome back to The Land of Jordan! Today Jordan turned 3!!! Incredibly hard for me to wrap my head around 3 years zipping by. I love how folks would say to you before you gave birth, "Don't you worry, you won't remember much of the actual birth as time goes on..." Did these people become addicted to crack and that's why they don't remember? Because I remember every single detail of every single second before, during and after Jordan was born. Hence living by the "ONE AND DONE" motto!

But this isn't about me is it? It's about Jordan and the amazing 3 year old she has become.

It's about how Jordan answers "sure" when asked a yes or no question.

Or it's about how Jordan answers "sure not" when asked a yes or no question. "Sure not." How funny is that?

It's about how we try to crack each other up and how one day I must have really cracked her up because after she was done laughing she said, "good one Mom!" Now THAT was funny!

It's about "Mom, when I get older" and then she goes on and on about how she's going to draw a bigger picture b/c when you are older you can do that.

It's about "Mom, when YOU get older" and then she goes on and on about how I can go to her school and be in her classroom when I get older.

It's all about the fear she and all her little friends have of: 'THE MAN'....... "The man said you're not allowed to take the clothes off the mannequins!!" Or "The man said you have to stay in your seats!" Or "The man said the mall is closing even though it's only 11am and sunny outside.......the man said!" The ultimate power this 'MAN' has........

Oh and it's also about her, "I just have an idea" moments! Those are hilarious! "I just have an idea Mom. You hide right here. And I go and count. And I find you and you don't say BOO cause I just have an idea I will get scared."

It's also about when I ask her to read a book to me! One time she started 'reading' a book to me and she got to what I imagine was 'the good part' and instead of just telling me what happens next she says, "Mom...wait for it......wait for it......." and then proceeds to tell me! Now THAT was super funny!!!

It's also about how she is expanding her vocabulary to include words I overuse. When asked how her ice cream is she replies, "Totally yummy Mom."

Those are just a few of the awesome (another word I overuse often) things Jordan is doing lately. But let's move on, let's get to the Santa story. Why must there be a story w/Santa? Why can't it just be we had a picture taken w/Santa and all is good? Nope, no such luck.

Yes, I will readily admit I bribed my child to get her picture taken w/Santa. Listen, I knew way ahead of time that the big dude in the red suit was going to be just as scary this year as he was last year. So what's a Jewish mother to do? Bribe! Clearly guilting her into it was not going to work.

Here I am thinking I am so going to win this one! I am way smarter than a 3 year old. There is no way she's going to give me a hard time about this Santa guy. Afterall, we spent nearly 45 minutes beforehand talking about it. The deal was this: she could pick out candy from the candy kiosk and eat some before the Santa picture. And right after the Santa picture she could continue her candy eating b/c she will have done such a great job w/the Santa picture.

So, here we go: candy has been purchased. Jelly beans happened to be the candy of choice. Jelly beans were being consumed as we waited in the Santa picture taking line, all the while still going over and over our 'plan' of attack: go up, don't sit on his lap cause you don't want to, stand next to him, offer him a jelly bean, smile for the picture, and off we go for more cavity eating crap! All good. I am feeling confident, even if the 3 kids who were in front of us screamed their heads off as they were handed to the big dude in the red suit, I was still holding onto our 'plan'!

And we are up! Jelly beans for Santa are in the palm of my hand. Jordan turns the corner and sees Santa. THE CHILD LOSSES HER MIND!!!!!!!!! She crawled up my body and is now screaming crying in my arms, jelly beans are melting in my hand, I'm holding her jacket/the bag of jelly beans/and holding Jordan and now I'm sweating as if I just came out of a sauna! So I plead, I beg, I attempt to place her on Santa's bench, I attempt to place her standing next to Santa. It's as if Jordan dipped her hands in Super Glue and can not remove herself from my body. So now I sit next to Santa w/Jordan clinging to me and not facing the camera. Somehow I am able to distract Jordan w/the melting jelly beans in the palm of my hand that we have for Santa. As I'm distracting her I'm placing her on his lap and backing away from them, all the while I am screaming at the picture taking dude to just snap and don't stop snapping no matter what! And I'm still backing up and Jordan is flipping out crying and Mommy is still backing away.........and here's 'the good part' of the story.....but as Jordan likes to say: "wait for it, wait for it.........."

Mommy backed up into the lighting equipment! Mommy tripped. Mommy dumped jelly beans. Mommy caught lighting equipment as it was nearly crashing down. And what did Jordan do? LAUGHED AND SMILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the camera dude who was so rudely instructed by me to keep snapping and don't stop actually caught the one moment where Jordan smiled!

Note to self: next year forget the candy, just wipe out the Santa set up!

Hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving and hope you all have a fantastic rest of the holiday season!!!

The Land of Men?????

We here who live in The Land of Jordan would like to send out a quick update to all of you. The Land of Jordan has shifted a bit. The child who lives w/two mommies & spends majority of her time surrounded by a posse of lesbian women, well this child is now experiencing her first real 'MAN CRUSH'........OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

Enter "Mr. Tim", Jo-Jo's gymnastics teacher. Mr. Tim seems to rock Jordan's world! Mr. Tim is quite aware of the 'man power' he has over our little Jo-Jo. Mr. Tim speaks, she listens. Mr. Tim moves to another area of the room, she follows. Mr. Tim gives a command and the child who is famous for pretending she never hears MY commands suddenly grows gigantic listening ears which only allow Mr. Tim's voice to penetrate thru them, and the command is followed.

It's the oddest thing to sit back and watch your nearly 3 year old child be crushed out on someone. Jordan gets these big loving eyes when she's around him. She smiles uncontrollably. She is constantly making sure he's watching her and she totally wants his approval for her attempts at the forward roll!

Granted Mr. Tim is quite cute but he's no Penelope Cruz!

.....It appears, for now, our daughter is taking the 'straight' road. I think I'm okay w/it. I'm going to seek out a support group for lesbian moms w/straight kids so when the time comes for Jordan to confide in us that she is in fact straight.......we will know the right things to say to her. (kidding)

Do you think it's more intimidating for a teenage boy to come to the home of the girl he's interested in where a mom and dad reside or 2 moms and a posse answer the door? I think I'm onto something here....I feel a reality show in the making happening right now in my head! Stay tuned!!!!

On a completely different note: Jordan would like to know why there is a bug on her cousin's belly and why the bug is making her cousin feel sick. (Christianna has a 'stomach bug' today and is home sick). Try explaining that one to a nearly 3 year old!

That's all from the Land of Jordan for now.......