'Reality Mom'

The Land of Jordan has done some serious growing & changing since the last time we've all been together.

The subject of this blog is now 11 & holy interesting roads we wind up on with this 11 year old.

As most of you know, JoJo is involved in theater. I realize I'm 100% biased because she's my kid but I honestly think she's quite good up on that stage.

I've been spending a great deal of time adjusting to this new world of having an 11 year old & I realized the other day that I am pretty much just a character in JoJo's 'show' aka known as her life.  I swore I nailed the audition of 'Coolest Mom' but when I recently read the script for this show.... I wasn't too thrilled to learn I'm not playing the part of 'Coolest Mom' any longer.  I'm now playing the part of 'Mom Who Thinks She's Cool But Can't Take a Hint'.

Let's set the scene for you: 'Coolest Mom' volunteers for each and every show JoJo is in. 'Coolest Mom' spends her time in the Green Room (room where the cast gets ready for the shows, make-up, wardrobe, rehearsing, etc) helping with whatever anyone needs. 'Coolest Mom' loves being there with the cast & JoJo. 'Coolest Mom' knows JoJo is thrilled she's there.  Oh wait a minute, that scene is from the previous script. Actually from all the previous scripts.

There's been some editing to the current script & we are now using the character: 'Mom Who Thinks She's Cool But Can't Take a Hint'. This new character walks over to where JoJo & some of the cast are sitting. 'Mom Who Thinks She's Cool But Can't Take a Hint' seems confused when JoJo & some of the cast immediately get up & move to another part of the Green Room. So 'Mom Who Thinks She's Cool But Can't Take a Hint' moves to the other part of the Green Room where JoJo & some of the cast are now sitting. And within 33 seconds JoJo & her cast peeps get up, move back to the first part of the Green Room they were in & 'Mom Who Thinks She's Cool But Can't Take a Hint' is baffled. This scene plays out 2 more times until 'Mom Who Thinks She's Cool But Can't Take a Hint' is removed from the show altogether and immediately replaced with: 'Reality Mom'.

'Reality Mom' is standing in the Green Room speechless & a bit unsettled. 'Reality Mom' has issues with accepting, you know......reality. 'Reality Mom' legit doesn't know what to do. She's never been here before. This is a new stage & she's super unsure of herself. 'Reality Mom' requests a meeting with the director. And by requesting a meeting, she means that she approached JoJo & her theater peeps & stated rather loudly: "What's the deal? I can't hang with you guys now that you're all 11 and too cool for me?" The script says at this point JoJo rolls her eyes & looks at her friends like "I have no idea who that lady is" so 'Reality Mom' who really should be called 'Denial Mom' walks away with defeat in her heart but is quickly filled with hope when JoJo comes up and gives her a hug & then returns to her theater peeps. 'Reality Mom' feels much better after the hug.

The script says 'Reality Mom' begins searching for a therapy group where she can attend weekly meetings to deal with the status/character change within the show. Stay tuned for therapy updates........thanks for visiting The Land of Jordan.

Off My List Jillian Michaels.......

Dear Jillian Michaels,

You used to be on my 'list'.  This list exists in many relationships.  It's the list consisting of famous people you're allowed to sleep with IF you ever get the chance & it can never be held against you by your significant other.  This list is an allowable item in a relationship b/c each party knows the chances of meeting someone famous on your list AND that famous person wanting to sleep with you are pretty much slim to none.

You used to be on my list Jillian Michaels.

You now reside on a new list for me......the new list is called "Biggest GAY Loser!"  How quickly you jumped from one list to the other.  Way to go Jillian Michaels.

You are a celebrity and you are gay!  You live in the public eye & you are gay!  You married a chick in the public eye b/c you are gay!  You adopted a child with your wife & you are gay!  Your wife then gave birth to a child & you are gay!  You are gay.  Say it with me:  "I, Jillian Michaels, am gay." 

Rather than embrace who you are & feel good about who you are you chose to say these words:  "Look, I wish I had some strapping football player husband, it would be such a dream to be 'normal' like that."

You should have your membership to our GAY club revoked.  I'm going to speak to someone about that after I finish spewing my disappointment of you all over this page!

Do you think your kids are going to feel proud of you living in a home where one of their moms is ashamed of who she is?  What kind of message is that sending?

And how about your wife?  How did it make her feel to hear those comments come out of your mouth?  Do you think she too wishes for the 'normal' & the strapping football player as a husband? 

Speaking of, what exactly is 'normal'?  Because in my daughter's world & the world of her friends, she is VERY 'normal' & she is WICKED proud of the fact that she has 2 moms!  (she now has 4 moms since we divorced)  This is a kid who marches up to every person in her life & says "I have 4 moms!"  There are no words to explain how proud I am of her & how I know she will live her life just as 'out' as I live mine b/c we are ALL 'normal' & we are ALL equal & we do not raise our children to view others as different, no matter what!

You have celebrity status to reach TONS of people be it gay or straight & you can use that status to let folks know you are proud & you believe in a world where we are all treated as equals. And that world, it's making huge changes on a daily basis for gay people.

Instead, you spoke in shame b/c you feel it might be easier walking through life if you had that strapping football player by your side?  Easier?  Are you kidding?  Pretending to be someone you're not, that right there is NOT easy.

For a woman with loads of muscles, you are VERY weak.

You're off my list.  You might not feel any disappointment in knowing this but I sure as hell do.

Duped By The Fit & The Bit......

I realize my blog is 99% about JoJo & this is the forum in which I like to share our lives with you.....however there are times in which things happen when JoJo is not with me & I have an uncontrollable need to share those things with you!

Now, as most of you know I've been cranky as all hell for the past many many months about the gaining of some unwelcome weight.  So I decided I needed a little assistance/push to help me evict said weight.

Enter the Fitbit.  A clever little bracelet that monitors the steps you take each day, every day, for as long as you let it.  It comes in colors & your information can be sent directly to your phone so if you have OCD like me, you can look every 3 seconds via the app to see just how many more steps you've taken in those 3 seconds since you last checked!

It does other things like track the intake of food you're consuming but you have to manually enter all that stuff in & truthfully my ADD beat out my OCD leaving me with zero interest in entering anything.

So the whole idea, or at least one of the ideas, is to make sure you're walking/stepping 10,000 steps a day.  Cool right?

After developing a crush on my Fitbit I had a remedial Fitbit question which I posed to Ash:  "If the Fitbit is a bracelet & it monitors my steps, how exactly is it monitoring my steps from my wrist?"  So we have this whole discussion on how people walk & how they probably swing their arms which makes us immediately stand up & start walking to see what we do w/our arms when we walk (sure enough, we swing them) & then we had to do the moving ONLY of the arms without walking to see if it tracked our ONLY swinging arms as steps.  I was a little bit fit to be tied!  (Get it?  I used Fitbit in that sentence but reversed it.  Get it?)

Truthfully I was pissed off.  What the F?  So you mean to tell me if I'm sitting at my desk & I reach to answer the phone but do not move my feet, it tracks that as a step??????   How about when I'm sitting eating a pint (yes, an ENTIRE pint, they are unit dose servings people) of Ben & Jerry's ice cream & each time I bring the spoon to my mouth it counts as a step?????  This is NOT good.  Not good at all.

The event which prompted the fit I had on my Fitbit was horseback riding. 

Setting the scene up for you:  beautiful day, temperature is perfect for the 60 minute trail ride we have ahead of us.  Chatting away w/the lead woman on the horse in front of me, all is well.  And somewhere within those 60 minutes of trail riding (close to 45 minutes into it), of which I am SITTING on top of a horse......not standing on the horses back, not jumping on the horses back, not doing leg lifts while on the horse, not running along side the horse......the not-so-clever Fitbit starts beeping that I have reached the 10,000 steps taken goal!!

ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?

Had I not been on a horse I would have ripped that stupid, wrist wearing, incorrect step counting, piece of crap beeping bracelet from my wrist & STOMPED the heck out of it prompting a TRUE 10,000 step/stomp obtained goal!

Next time I'm heading to the freezer for a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream I'll be sure to manually count how many steps it takes me to get there.

Patches And Their Placement......

This whole Girl Scout thing is pretty new & foreign to me.

I vaguely remember my Mom making me (yes, against my will) become a Girl Scout only to have the troop leader lady politely, through gritted teeth, tell my Mom that I was no longer welcome at any other meetings.  I can't be sure of what exactly happened to cause my immediate exit from the Girl Scouts but I'm sure it had to do with me refusing to wear something green & girlie & called a 'sash'. 

Fast forward a few years (no reason to add a number here...just fast forward) & I find myself back in the land of Girl Scouts. 

Last year JoJo was a Daisy.  She didn't start in the group right from the beginning of the school year so we were a bit late entering.  I was given the list of items I needed to purchase for JoJo from the Girl Scout store.  On my way there I had this awesome idea that I was going to purchase Girl Scout cookies as a surprise for JoJo but I was unaware that the Girl Scout store isn't the magical land of cookies I had dreamt it up to be in my mind.  There were no cookies to be had b/c it wasn't Girl Scout cookie season.  The very serious, very stern woman behind the register who has been a Girl Scout for 97 years did NOT find me funny in any way when I suggested that just maybe she had a box or two hidden in the back storeroom.

 

Anyway, I purchased all the items needed for JoJo to attend her Daisy meetings & headed home to tackle the patches & their placement.

 

I printed out the picture of the Daisy vest thingy so that I could make sure I placed the correct patches in their correct places.  My OCD kicked in big time & what should have taken me 20 minutes wound up taking me 2 hours b/c it had to be JUST right! 

Anyway, when all was said & done I was super stoked & proud of myself!  The vest thingy was done & it looked awesome!

 

Let's fast forward again shall we?  This time we are fast forwarding to JoJo's first Daisy meeting.  I walk in to pick her up & the troop leaders along with some of the moms start cracking up at me & busting on me.  Yeah, I was just as confused as you are......what could possibly be so funny?  I look around at all the other girl's vest things & they look very different from JoJo's & then I realize why:  they only have a few of the pedals ironed onto their vest thingy b/c they have not completed all the Daisy patch earning projects yet, hence only a few pedals on each vest.  And here comes JoJo, new kid on the block, all cool w/her swagger sporting A VEST THINGY FULL OF FRIGGIN PEDALS!!!!  JoJo's first meeting & I have her all patched up!  No wonder JoJo refused to wear the vest thingy after this.  But nobody kicked her out for that!

 

And that brings me up to now.  JoJo is beginning this year as a Brownie.  She's starting from the beginning so we are not the new kids on the block this year & we have the same instructions as everyone else so if there's "over patching" it's not my fault this time.

 

Head back to the non-cookie selling Girl Scout store to purchase yet another list of patches & pins & a new vest.

 

Last night I decided to tackle the new Brownie vest.

 

I once again had a picture in hand of the placement for patches & pins.  This whole Brownie thing is way easier than the Daisy thing b/c Brownies don't have pedals, it's a Brownie.  But what does that mean exactly?  Is it a brownie you eat?  There wasn't a brownie looking patch I had to buy.  Are they called Brownies b/c the vest is brown?  I have questions dammit!

Anyway, picture in hand, instructions from troop leader on what to transfer over from last year's Daisy vest thingy to this year's Brownie vest.  All good.  That is, until I reach into the pocket of the Daisy vest thingy & come across JoJo's '100+' patch for selling over a 100 boxes of those cookies last year & her cookie patch & another patch for doing something really good (can't be sure what she did that was really good but I'm sure it was really good!) 

 

And now I'm holding these patches in my hand & I say to Ash (Ashley, gf):  "what am I supposed to do with these?"  She tells me that they are supposed to go on JoJo's Daisy vest thingy.  Of course my response is:  "JoJo's not going to wear this anymore, she's graduated, she did that bridge thing, or in her case, she walked across wooden pallets nailed together to look like a bridge."

 

I go on to explain to Ash how back in the day when I was playing traveling soccer, we used to put ALL our patches on our jacket & show them off proudly so why can't I put all of JoJo's patches on her Brownie vest to show them off proudly???  The 2nd look of horror on Ash's face pretty much told me that I was not supposed to do this but I couldn't let it go.  So I went on to explain my reasoning:  proud mom, proud kid.  What if I just ironed them onto the back of the Brownie vest?  Again, another look of horror followed by "You can go right ahead & do that but just be prepared for this vest to remain hanging b/c JoJo won't wear it if you do that." 

 

I hate when she's right.

 

But I still feel strongly about the whole proud patch placement thing!

 

Maybe I should just put the patches on my winter vest b/c really when you break it down:  I'm the one who sold those '100+' boxes of cookies!

 

 

And We're Back.........

Yup, that's right!  We are back!!!!

It would take me a LONG time to fill you in on JoJo's life since our last post (many moons ago), but you will eventually tune me out AND my attention span will eventually tune YOU out! 

So let's just start this off w/some thoughts that have been jiggling around in my brain.

One thought or observation is this:  when did the tooth fairy gain Santa Claus status? 

I'm not kidding.  Have you not noticed this?

A few days before JoJo lost her 6th tooth we had this exact conversation:

J - "Mom!  When we get home I have to make a list for the tooth fairy!!"
Me - "A list?  A list of what?  A list of how many ways you can tell the tooth fairy you love her?"
J - (in the ultimate DUH tone) "No Mom.......a list of all the things I want the tooth fairy to bring for me."
Me - "What the (I caught myself before the bad word slipped & I'd be owing JoJo a dollar), what do you mean ALL the things you want?  The tooth fairy is not Santa Claus JoJo.  The tooth fairy doesn't operate off a list.  The tooth fairy flies into your room, grabs your tooth, leaves you cash & flies off to the next toothless kid's room."
J - "Well that's not very fair Mom.  My friends got presents from the tooth fairy when they lost their teeth."
Me - "Well then your friends were duped dude b/c they didn't get cash.  What's the market value of those toys they received?  That was not the tooth fairy who brought them presents, that was an imposter pretending to be the tooth fairy b/c the tooth fairy is this little tiny fairy w/out a sled or reindeer, how the heck would the tooth fairy carry a list of presents?"
J - "Maybe FedEx or UPS helps the tooth fairy?"

Even the tooth fairy uses a delivery service.